Inflated Job Descriptions

Reed, Leonard

Inflated Job Descriptions by Leonard Reed He was new in government, this Young Executive, and they didn’t do here like they did in Georgia. So, when the woman who sat outside his cubbyhole,...

...50 wpm.’ That’s what it comes down to in fundamentals...
...Look,” he said...
...You mean,” Murgentroyd asked, “that she is ‘responsible for the logistical support of the entire section...
...M. to jump out of bed in alarm...
...This painful discovery was made when an executive named Bubblekopf wrote a job description that attributed to a subordinate the functions he was supposed to perform, leaving Bubblekopf with no discernible role in life...
...Now, see here,” Murgentroyd interrupted impatiently...
...Nobody gets a grade raise by typing...
...Murgentroyd is the man who knows how to write a job description that will get a sure-fire raise...
...Young Executive looked blank...
...I have no time for fundamentals...
...There came to be few Indians but many, many Chiefs...
...Leonard Reed is a writer who aftergraduate studies in public adminatration worked in the civil and foreign services for 24 years...
...What does this young lady do?,, “Well, suh,” said Young Executive, “If I were putting a help wanted ad in the paper, I’d .say, ‘Typist...
...I’m a busy man...
...Don’t tell me, don’t tell me,” Young Executive almost shouted...
...And, with his elbow, Murgentroyd nudged his wife and said, “Look what I begat...
...But if, in his search for new titles, Murgentroyd’s imagination occasionally flagged, his vision of Nirvana renewed him...
...A cloud darkened Murgentroyd’s face...
...I do believe that he’s going to make it,” he murmured...
...Supervisors unselfishly used the Inflated Job Description to upgrade their subordinates, and if, as a result, their own jobs had to be upgraded to maintain a proper level above their minions, well, such is fate...
...A rose by another name would smell sweeter...
...Good, good,” said Murgentroyd, rubbing his hands...
...She ‘prepares requisitions and specifications for duplicating work and forwards same to De part m e n t a1 Re production Branch.’ Then they tell her when it’s ready and she picks it up...
...There’s got to be a way...
...A rose by...
...Still, Murgentroyd did not rest, but invented the M.Q.A., or Murgentroyd’s Quadrennial Adjustment...
...Bernard chasing a Sherpa up Mt...
...Does she have to make judgments, like, say, whether to start typing before or after she puts paper in the machine...
...When everyone else’s imagination has failed to come up with the phrases that will turn a file clerk into the bulwark of the Republic, the call goes out for “Murky” or “Creep” Murgentroyd...
...And each four years, the commission says that for such work, those inside the government are ill-rewarded compared with the heathens outside, and that many additioial dollars must be directed their way...
...Poor Bubblekopf, therefore, had to be made a Special Projects Officer (another Murgentroydian coup) and was never again heard of...
...So, when the woman who sat outside his cubbyhole, occasionally pecking at the typewriter, said she wanted a promotion from Grade 4 to Grade 5, he asked a more seasoned colleague how to go about it...
...A little while later, Murgentroyd nodded slowly at the departing back of Young Executive...
...Wrong...
...Everest...
...If I wanted to say that she yanks correspondence from the file, I’d say...
...This meant that aside from whatever new jobs might be created by periodic “reorganizations” (a device hit upon by a pre-historic precursor of Murgentroyd), the only way for a civil servant to get a promotion was to wait for his supervisor to retire or be trampled to death in the 5 p.m...
...Murgentroyd is a man of many parts-and one part of him is in every government agency and bureau, if not on every corridor and every floor...
...You don’t know what a job description is...
...That’s practically un-American,” muttered Murgentroyd to himself...
...I think all she does is...
...Ex act ly , ” said Murgentroyd approvingly...
...rush for the exits...
...Murgentroyd is the Johnny Appleseed of grade creep...
...He was sitting in bed, preparatory to going to work and, as he peered into the recesses of his navel, a phrase kept running through his head, teasingly: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...
...She ‘performs a variety of administrative duties which entail fiscal responsibilities...
...I’ve got it...
...Job description...
...To be sure, the nobler titles that were being born had to be supported by appropriate terminology in the job description...
...Ever after, it was to be a model of American dynamism...
...Maintains liaison on work in progress and negotiates with personnel of Reproduction Branch on production schedule.’ ” “I’m beginning to get it,’’ Young Executive said excitedly...
...I guess she runs down to Supplies and gets some more...
...Quickly, executives discovered that having a gaggle of special assistants added greatly to the ambience of their office...
...Just write a new job description for her...
...No problem,” said his colleague...
...The Murgentroyd era marked the end of the federal bureaucracy as a static behemoth...
...Grade creep is the phenomenon by which the average of all grades in any government agency gets higher with each succeeding year...
...Long, long ago, Murgentroyd made the discovery that launched his career and made him one of the great behind-the-scenes powers in the federal bureaucracy...
...Gradually, secretaries were to disappear and reemerge metamorphosized in “administrative assistants...
...The scientific basis of the phenomenon that developed was Murgentroyd’s Law, which states that lateral energy (i.e., the service government agencies are supposed to perform) can be converted into vertical energy (i.e., upward mobility for the staff...
...It’s unfortunate that no historian was on hand to record the moment, for with that flash of insight, Murgentroyd was about to ignite one of the social revolutions of our timethe elimination of menial work...
...It was noted, for example, that the Vertical Vehicle Controller in the South Wing of the State Department Building “expedites and facilitates the convocation of international experts dealing with a wide range of matters of extreme urgency and delicacy...
...he suddenly yelled, causing Mrs...
...Since that time, care has always been taken to qualify a subordinate’s functions by adding the phrase, “under the direct supervision of [me] .” And so the grade structure took off like a mean (if somewhat dislocated) St...
...At that moment was born Murgentroyd’s masterpiece, the Inflated Job Description...
...Of course, the Inflated Job Description had to be used with intelligence and sophistication...
...Nope, never got the hang of it-she gives it to the Xerox maintenance man...
...Let’s see, now,” said Murgentroyd...
...A report by the General Accounting Office indicates that as many as 40 per cent of federal jobs are overclassified, some by as much as two or three grade levels...
...Special assistants became more in demand 9 , than wall-to-wall carpeting...
...Young Executive nodded...
...Upgrading the entire salary structure of the United States government was a Herculean task, even for a Murgentroyd...
...You’d say she ‘performs research with respect to substantive matters under consideration by her supervisor.’ And, surely, she must go for the paychecks and collect money for the coffee pot...
...Now, on the other hand, if she were to ‘establish work-flow priorities’ . . . , “Well, I don’t know...
...and how about Xeroxing...
...Who, you ask, is Murgentroyd...
...Each four years, a commission of leading citizens comes together to ponder the words that describe the labors of the Chiefs...
...the colleague asked incredulously...
...The largest part of grade creep is achieved by civil servants who get their subordinates raises by overstating their duties and responsibilities...
...Listen, friend, you had better go see Murgentroyd...
...What happens,” Murgentroyd demanded, “when she runs out of paper...
...The latter nickname was bestowed not in disrespect but in recognition of his finest achievement: grade creep...
...said Young Executive slowly, as he noted on his pad: “Establishes workflow priorities...
...Federal agencies, he observed, had a static quality brought about because so few people, once ensconced in a government job, ever leave...
...The lowly job of “elevator man” gave way to the more dignified profession of “Vertical Vehicle Controller...
...Well, I suppose...
...He invented the “Special Assistant,” and in one stroke found a title commanding respect and a grade increase for 133,241 civil servants whose functions no one had been able to fathom...

Vol. 9 • April 1977 • No. 2


 
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