Coming Soon: The Licensed Lobbyist

...Following the model of public defenders and public hospitals, the American League of Lobbyists should consider promoting government-funded lobbying clinics, where the poor can go for second-class representation...

...The one who posed for Playboy wearing a garter belt, a scarf, and a briefcase...

...One way to dispel that cynical myth is togive the lobbyist a personal stake in the policies he advocates...

...And if you and the wife aren’t busy next week, we’d like to fly you to Palm Springs, allexpenses paid, to fill you in on some new tax shelters...

...And yet the politicians-the real beneficiaries of this hard work-not only get these services free, they expect to be rewarded with campaign donations, honoraria, and fact-finding trips-just for listening...

...ALL (it is onlycoincidental that theacronym is also the name of a detergent) has set out to convince a benighted public that lobbying is not a sleazy, backroom effort to corrupt the lawmaking process, but an indispensable and wholly honorable attempt to ensure that Congress operates in the public interest...

...Lobbyists can avoid serious risk the waydoctorsand lawyers do, by raising their fees and buying malpractice insurance...

...They would prefer a little more spontaneous, amateurinvolvement in national affairs, and a lot fewer paid experts prowling Capitol Hill like salesmen with sample cases...

...However much the lobbyist feels entitled to the public’s esteem, society persists in regarding him as a creature with the appetite of a termite and the credibility of a mafioso...

...Whatever the cause, lobbyistsarestartingto sound as if they’ve all been visiting a therapist of the “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” school...

...Good questions...

...Lobbyists are far behind the times, and if they’re going to catch up, they can’t be dawdling...

...Nothing cheapens the image of lobbying so much as the fact that anyformer underassistant to the deputy director of the Bureau of Bicycles or any third-echelon Reagan campaign gofer can become a lobbyist simply by calling himself one...

...Idealistic young lobbyists would serve an apprenticeship in these clinics, reimbursed through the new federal Lobby Stamp Program...

...ALL‘S second convention will be held in November...

...The league would administer a stringent peer review to make sure the prospective lobbyist would lend distinction to the profession, and could afford the hefty licensing fee...

...It’s time lobbyists demand that members of Congress pay for services rendered...

...Sounds risky, you say...

...Making this transition won’t be as difficult as you might think, since lobbyists are no strangers to charitable work...

...He doesn’t even need a client...

...dead...

...This is exactly the way lobbyists work...

...But do we let any Bozo off the street hang out a shingle or walk into a hospital and wield a scalpel...

...As a small first step, the league might consider borrowing an idea from the National Association of Realtors, which has registered the word “Realtor” as a trademark of their organization...

...That hardly seems the way to put the word “1obbyist”on a par with, say, “Fulbright Scholar...

...This is a trend ALL will want to encourage and nurture...

...But eventually, lobbyists will be even more respected for this...

...That’s why, if anything, Walker’s speech didn’t go far enough...

...No matter how many times lobbyists insist they are serving the public interest, they have a tough time shaking the suspicion that, in reality, most will rent their persuasive powers to any unprincipled corporate interest that can pay the price...

...But suppose every piece of legislation had a short clause appended naming the lobbyists who promoted it and giving the public automatic standing to sue them for any harm that resulted...

...At the same time, theleaguemight undertakeapublic relations campaign aimed at getting lawmakers to resist importuning from quacks who lack proper credentials...

...Lobbyists prescribe legislative remedies, but they are not held accountable for them...

...Ask any doctor just out of residency about this...

...After taking notes on six hours of numbingly insignificant committee hearings, the aspirant would be required to race through a series of five political fund-raising parties without spilling shrimp sauce on his tie or keelingoverdrunk, thenfinishupwith the all-important oral event...

...Here it is: Young medical students quickly learn that general practice is not the route to prestige, which explains why we have a national glut of neurosurgeons and cardiologists and a short supply of general practitioners...

...Of course, some spoilsports may protest that making lobbying more “professional” is exactly what the government does not need...

...Matt Freeman...

...Next, the league should begina campaign tosee that no one lobbies without a license...

...He is also entitled to a fair trial and basic health care...

...The National Rifle Association and the American Association of Retired Persons can give seminars on winning through intimidation...

...Walker’s vision did not stop there...

...Maybe it’s the invigorating atmosphere of Reagan’s Washington, or maybe the number of lobbyists, estimated at 15,000, finally has hit a sort ofcritical mass...

...Any serious profession expects its members to keep up with the latest trends in case law or medicine...

...In that finale, the prospect would be judged on his poise as he attempted to convince a panel of politicians that cruelty to animals should be tax deductible...

...Exactly...

...Those who could hid behind a law degree...

...Lobbyists can learn from this...

...A draft ofthecode is now circulating and will be debated at the league’s November convention...

...I admit this has not yet won real estate salesmen universal esteem, but it has served a purpose...

...With their mastery of the legislative process, lobbyists should have no great difficulty getting Congress to pass a law limiting access to Capitol Hill sanctuaries-the committee rooms, the offices, and the lobbies from which lobbyists take their name-to those who are ALL-certified...

...People in practically every other vocation in America, from mortuary scientists to massage therapists, already proudly display the trappings of professional status...

...3) CONTINUING EDUCATION...

...At most, it gets you a chance to get in and present your case...

...What about the poor schlemiel who can’t afford to hire a lobbyist...

...And according to Paul Taylor of n e Washington Post, one textile firm involved in an antitrust bill hired a Pennsylvania Republican party official, William A. Meehan, solely to lobby a single wavering senator-Arlen Specter, a Republican from Pennsylvania of course...

...As thingsstand, lobbyists are on that awkward plateau shared by chiropractors and sex therapists, who believe in their own worth yet still are surrounded by agnostics...

...Still, the code promises to serve its purpose...

...By channeling some of this selfless energy into causes the public will recognize as worthy, lobbyists also will have an answer to those wise-ass critics who suggest they are selfish and overpaid...

...The others resorted to titles like “legislative representative,” “public policy advocate,” “government relations specialist,” “consultant,” and similar euphemisms that have served the lobbying trade the way “escort service” serves an older profession...

...In ALL‘s eyes, the lobbyist’s role falls somewhere between that of defense attorney and civics teacher...

...Thereare now lobbyists who specialize in taxes, lobbyists who specialize in mass mail, lobbyists who specialize in bureaucrats, Thereare lobbyists (like former Carter aide Anne Wexler) who specialize in “coalitionbuilding,” which consists mainly of assembling teams of other specialists...

...ALL‘s most ambitious attempt to buff some luster into the tarnished image of lobbying is its effort to create a code of ethics...

...True, some of the group’s activities make you wonder how seriously the members take their task-like the T-shirts they pass out to their luncheon speakers emblazoned with the slogan “Lobbyists Do It With Persuasion...

...Some recent lobbying teams-such as those battling this year over antitrust and copyright amendments-resemble subcontractors massed at a construction site...

...Burlison’s ad was a lingering symptom of an age-old tendency among lobbyists to slinkaround their profession...

...Walker launched the ethics code proposal last year in a speech to the league’s first convention...

...Politicians will say, as medical patients and legal clients have learned, “Anybody who charges this much must be a real pro...

...Fortunately, the signs are that this tendency gradually is being brought under control through a branch of lobbying known as “constituency mobilization...

...California Senator Alan Cranston (himself a former lobbyist) recently told an ALL gathering that “lobbyists are in fact an extension of our congressional staffs, providing information and ideas that arevital to the molding of legislation...

...A doctor who prescribes the wrong drug or a lawyer who lets an innocent man go to prison is subject to at least a serious loss of face, if not civil charges of malfeasance...

...Imagine the satisfaction a chemical company lobbyist no doubt will feel when he returns from a day of trying to roll back the hazardous waste dumping laws, looks up at his wall, and sees his pledge to “Endeavor at all times to place the public’s interest above all others, giving loyalty to the highest ethical principles and to the nation, above loyalty to employer, client, or personal interest...

...Imagine that your lawyer hasjust spentan hour straightening out your income tax...

...An absurd scenario...

...And increasingly, you will find it in lobbying...

...These continuing education courses will provide an opportunity for veterans to pass along their skills, for an appropriate fee...

...While Kaus may be exaggerating in saying that “there’s no shame anymore,” the fact is, lobbyists don’t cringe like they used to...

...After a few brusque letters from the association, reporters have learned that “Realtor,” like “Xerox,”is not a word to be used casually...

...Nevertheless, enough high-profile practitioners of the tradetax lobbyist Charls Walker, superlawyer Tom Boggs, Republican insider William Timmons, and others-have lent their prestige to the enterprise tojustify viewing it as a vanguard...

...And that’s where the American League of Lobbyists comes in...

...Look at the “steering committee” of any congressman seeking reelection, and you will find this hardy band of volunteers consists mainly of the very lobbyists who practice their art before his committees...

...Licensing lobbyists would mean not just ‘peer review’ but more specialization: ‘Personally I don’t do Democrats, but we have an excellent Moynihan man in our firm...

...4) WEED OUT THE GENERALISTS...

...Not so, but he evidently preferred to risk a little dignity rather than advertise more explicitly what he does-he lobbies...

...As they grope for a new measure of self-respect, it’s only natural that lobbyistsstart thinking about winning over the rest oftheworld...

...Rhetoric-rehabilitation courses will remind them of essential vocabulary-“incentives”(never “tax breaks”), “revitalization” (not “bailout”)and rehearse them in such time-honored statements as, “Shucks, nobody buys a congressman for a $5,000 campaign contribution...

...Consult a former Member by appointment...

...1) THE CLOSED SHOP...

...A lobbyist will spend a grueling lunch hour sharing his research with some ungrateful congressman or committee counsel and then top it off by buying the lunch...

...You will find the same tendency in law, education, and journalism...

...Sure, any American is entitled to petition his elected representatives for redress of grievances, as the Constitution so quaintly puts it...

...As Robert M. Kaus observed recently in Harper’s, many of Washington’s successful lobbyists-Robert Gray, Charles Black, Tom Korologos-aren’t shy about boasting of their prowess...

...She said she was a lobbyist, the newspapers said she was a lobbyist...

...At ALL‘S new Institute for Advanced Policy Stimulus, lobbyists who have grown a little rusty in the techniques of persuasion can brush up on their skills, master new tactics, and acquire an impressive array of certificates for their office walls...

...Never mind that she had one measly client (the short-lived Committee for Equitable Crop Insurance) and handled only one bill (unsuccessfully, at that...

...When a congressman hears a lobbyist say, “I wouldn’t be proposing this if I didn’t sincerely believe it was in the best interest of the nation,” he often assumes this is code for, “I’ve got it all figured out how you can dress this turkey up asa high-sounding reform in case some constituent asks about it...

...2) NOBLESSE OBLIGE...

...Of course not...

...The consumer who found his hamburger laced with rat droppings could sue not only the butcher who sold it to him but the lobbyist who succeededingutting the packing plant inspection laws...

...They have devised several imposing hurdles to make sure chores that easily could be handled by a nurse or paralegal are reserved for the annointed...

...6) NO MORE FREE LUNCH...

...Heconjured up for the league a future in which lobbyists will study their craft in school, be accredited by their peers, and-in the manner of the American Medical Association or the American Bar Associationeven discipline themselves...

...A suitable aptitude test for would-be lobbyists might be constructed likea triathlon...

...The ABAand AMAwouldnever stand for it...

...Ultimately, the leaguemaywant toget a handle on the proliferation of “grass-roots’’ lobbying...

...There is no vow renouncing the practice of priming the pumps of Congress with millions in campaign cash, no interdiction against trading on one’s friendships and connections, and no promise of public disclosure...

...Doesn’t the average citizen have a right to influence his congressman...

...In short, Walker proclaimed that ALL‘scharge is to raise lobbying to “the status of a full profession”the kind of status that generates public envy, respectful treatment in the press, and, of course, enough income to recommend estate planning as a serious avocation...

...One block from Hill...

...Within a few years, an individual citizen who approaches his representative on his own will be viewed with the same shock and scorn as a defendant who approaches the bench without counsel, or a patient who proposes to remove his own appendix...

...I have some suggestions...

...They have gone from feeling abashed to feeling misunderstood...

...Remember Paula Parkinson, the greeneyed blond who shared a golfing cottage with several members of Congress and then made a cottage industry out of the story...

...Lobbyists can also catch up with modern direct-mail techniques that enable them to inundate Congress with support letters from constituents who haven’t the faintest idea what they’re advocating, (During its fight against new cigarette taxes this year, the Tobacco Institute managed to produce letters from people who were uciuul...

...Therefore, what she didwhich included videotaping herself in the sack with a congressman, she claimed-must have been lobbying...

...No problem...

...At a reasonable fee...

...The tendency of citizens to write to congressmen in their own words is a demeaning end run around the lobbying profession...

...Surely this is a modest proposal in a society where most hairdressers must be formally credentialed...

...This gives a subtle but significant boost to the stature of these professions...

...Joe H. Galis is a lobbyist duly registered with the Clerk of the House to lobby on “prisoner rights, prison reform, and prison law libraries,” Galis is an inmate at the Avon Park Correctional Institution in Florida...

...Lobby groups ghost-write letters for thousands of constituents topassalongto their elected representatives, or offer a toll-free number ordinary folks can call to have a telegram sent to Congress on their behalf...

...For that matter, he doesn’t really need to come to Washington...

...But that is nostalgia talking...

...This last prospect has already been enshrined in the tenth commandment of the draft ethics code, wherein the lobbyist promises to “preserve the public’s trust [sic] and safeguard the lobbying profession by promptly and fully reporting all violations of these principles to the designated officials of the American League of Lobbyists...

...But anyone who spends much time these days around lobbyists has noticed a dramaticchangein self-image...

...You may well ask, might not this present a rather messy conflict with the Constitution...

...But fortunately the legal and medical professions already have programs lobbyists can emulate...

...The draft isa little vague, striving for an inspirational tone rather than an itemized list of proscribed behavior...

...Bill Keller isa reporter with the Washington bureau of the Dallas Times Herald...

...At this point, our keynote speaker will want a chance to point proudly to something lobbyists are beginning to do right...

...Barriers that in a mere business might be called “restraint of trade” here are called “professional standards...

...This is one of the distinguishing features of a profession...

...The first few times a lobbyist presents a congressman with his bill or insists that a committee staff director pay his own greens fee, there will be some sore feelings...

...Just think how impressed a client will be when his lobbyist tells him, “Personally, Idon’tdo Democrats, but we’ve got an excellent Moynihan man in our firm...

...Think how the league’s image will be enhanced if its members spend a day each month lobbying for child nutrition programs or tougher drunk driving laws...

...At the end of the session, he shakes your hand and says, “By the way, my firm would like to show itsappreciation by making your next mortgage payment for you...

...5) GET RID OF NOeFAULT LOBBYING...

...The more rigorous the route to the lobbying profession, by the way, the more lobbyists will feel justified in charging exorbitant sums for their services...

...Just as young pitchers pay Gaylord Perry for tips on discreet spitballing, young lobbyists might fork over plenty to hear tax lawyer Ernie Christian of Patton, Boggs and Blow explain how he helped persuade Congress to enact the tax-swapping device called Safe Harlior Leasing...

...If this year’s keynote speaker looks closely at the accomplishments of other highstatus professions, he should be able to propose even bolder steps toward a prestigious future for lobbyists...

...The ad may have left some readerswith the impression Burlison was peddling himself as a bargain-basement divorce lawyer...

...Paula Parkinson, the lobbyist...

...Lobbyists might also adopt the lawyers’ concept of pro bono work, donating some of their time to lobbying on behalf of the less fortunate among us...