How To Be As Funny As Art Buchwald
Levine, Art
HOW TO BE AS FUNNY AS ART BUCWALD by Art Levine How do you becomea famous American humorist? To help us answer this question, we’re proud to present an exclusive excerpt from the...
...I sent him pieces I thought he’d use-such as a new federal loan program to subsidize teenagers’ phone bills and the Army’s effort to recruit more women by giving them charge accounts at Bloomingdale’s - but he kept rejecting them as not up to par...
...Many ofthesespace-killingbits of dialogue have since become hardy components of my own humor factory...
...For many years, of course, our country’s greatest humorists-among them, Buddy Hackett-have used funny names to punch up their work...
...In a column on the student shortage, an advertising executive, Mr...
...Iasked...
...I decided to approach him for advice...
...in my swank Georgetown home...
...By now, I’d read enough great writing to realize that I wanted Art Buchwald to be my mentor...
...What’s your your secret...
...I’m proud to say that few people noticed the difference...
...But Buchwald was the true,master of this technique...
...It will make them feel better, because thev know their president cares about them...
...For awhile, in fact, things looked good...
...he said...
...At breakfast I glance through the newspaper for possible story ideas and tear out a few articles tostuffinmy shirt pocket...
...President, that wasgreat...
...with just one edition of 7’he Washington Post, 1 created a week‘s worth of column ideas...
...1 started panhandling...
...Then he spent the next 600 words or so padding out the idea...
...Finally, I caught his attention when he wasleavingJean Louis,afancy French restaurant...
...I needn’t have worried...
...To help us answer this question, we’re proud to present an exclusive excerpt from the thirdvolumeof Art LRvineS best-selling autobiographical trilogy, Born Funny, published in 1995...
...It was on The New York Times bestseller list for three months...
...We’re filming a public service announcement to help President Reagan’s poor public image concerning the poor,” Hypocrite answered me...
...Now hear this...
...Thanks to the marvels of computer science, I can now take any news story, and by feeding it directly into my home computer come up with an uproariously funny column-every time...
...Gee, thanks, Mr...
...One resident...
...It took me a few careful readings to realize that this unusual metaphor was actually a sharp satiric thrust at Carter’s vacillation and incompetence...
...We hope to keep student inrerest with such games as Math-Man and Historoids, ” says one official, Millicent Atari...
...It seems to be bottoming out,’ he yelled up...
...I was so poor, I had to do all mywindow shopping at Woolworth’s...
...As [entered the room, [saw Ronald Reagan dressed up like Santa Claus, giving out bags of money to poor people...
...Nothing seemed to work-not even a visit to the little-known Department of Humor in Washington...
...tasked...
...It certainly seemed easy enough to think up premises for humor columns...
...Buchwald was wearing a loud plaid sports coat, smoking a cigar, and cracking jokes...
...I’m holding on to a price indicator that shows we are on very solid footing.’ “ ‘Thank God...
...WhatS going on here?’ I asked...
...After all, no one, not even a comic genius like Art Buchwald, can reasonably be expected to be hilarious three times a week...
...Finally, I hit the jackpot...
...Video Games Disrupt Schooling, Parents Say” The New York City school system announces that it’s converting allschools into video arcades...
...I’ll never forget you for this...
...You’ve got to learn a few basic tricks if you want to survive as a humorist-and from the looks of things, you’d better learn them fast...
...As I continued to read thiscolumn, I wondered whether Ruchwald would run out of cliches and obvious metaphors before itended...
...But seriously, having just arrived in Washington from my hometown of Brooklyn, my head was full of big dreams about being a great humorist-just like my boyhood idols, Shecky Greene and Joey Bishop...
...Do you think that will work...
...I took as my premise, as Buchwald always did, something that was widely publicized and an obvious target...
...I was skeptical until I spoke to one of Reagan’s advisers...
...I was able to sell political satires to important, mass-market publications like The Washington Monthly and Foreign Affairs...
...Over the years, 1 anonymously contributed dozens of columns...
...Here’s what I’ll do for you-I’ll give you a free copy of my latest book, LaidBackin Washington with Art Buchwald...
...Yet evenat my best, itwasnevereasycomingup with gag ideas...
...When /tried my hand at it I ran out of steam after the first few paragraphs because 1 couldn’t come up with any more material...
...Buchwald not only paced himself brilliantly, but knew how to leave ’em laughing...
...Not so with Buchwald...
...He wasalwayscoming out of some dinner party or restaurant surrounded by admirers...
...But his columns were everything he promised, and more...
...Buchwald, I don’t understand it,” I wailed, falling to my knees in front of him...
...I’m not sure, but I’d like to stay on course.’ “ ‘If you don’t know where we’regoing, how can we help you stay on course...
...Excuse me sir,” 1 would plead, “can you lend meadollarso Ican buyaused copy of Bennett Cerfs Treasury of’ America’s Favorite Jokes?“ Then I realized there was already someone in Washington doing what I wanted to do-Art Buchwald...
...Sex, Drugs Probed on Capitol Hill” Outbreak of congressional virtue stuns Washington...
...Buchwald peppered the economist with such questions as “How do you know‘?’’ and “Where is it coming from?’ By using this question-and-answer format, Buchwald freed himself from such tasks as creating the transition sentences or imaginative scenes that I naively thought were needed...
...It’s a great way to winextra laughs...
...The latest indicators,’ he shouted...
...Buchwald,” I said...
...Even the ratscarried guns-that’s how tough the neighborhood was...
...Then, when Buchwald retired in 1990, Ijust tookoverthe column...
...Then I’m off to the bank to cash my check from last night’s lecture...
...After awhile, the time between gag ideas stretched to six months and finally a year...
...The recession hits Palm Springs...
...But why are you showing President Reagan as Santa Clausgivingout money topoorpeople...
...Wegossip about politics, real estate, and how much we miss the Redskins...
...I lived in a tiny attic room in a boarding house, and, boy, the cockroaches there were so tough they hired an exterminator to poison me...
...To see how the program isgoing...
...Though my days now are filled with delivering lectures or attending autograph parties for my latest book, f i e Yuk Stops Here, making it to the top of the humor heap was no picnic...
...After arriving at my downtown office, I pick up one of the articles I ripped from the paper that morning and knock off my column in 15 minutes...
...In a piece called “Put on Your Lifejackets,” Buchwald compared the country under President Carter to a boat called Ship of State: “The captain [Jimmy Carter] said, ‘Let’s drift until 1 talk to the crew.’ The captain grabbed the speaker...
...Because we’re trying IO show everybody what a generous man the president is...
...Here’s what was published: The Poor’s Best Friend President Reagan is developing a reputation as someone who doesn’t care about the poor...
...Well,” said Mr...
...Archibald Moneybags, threatens to leap from his eighth floor condominium...
...I called the column “Let’s Make a Deal,” and portrayed the new secretary of state as a game-show host...
...What a fool I’d been, waiting for the Muse when all the material I needed was coming to me every morning in the newspaper...
...Sometimes at lunch one of the officials I’ve satirized comes up to say hello...
...Now the Buchwald humor columntruly is an institution that will live forever...
...But recently I found a way to stop worrying about The Bomb-the Comedy Bomb that is...
...In bed next to me is my sexy, blond wife, also a published author...
...But producing an entire column based on a single gag concept was another matter...
...The column is now more popular than ever, syndicated in almost every major newspaper except The New York Times, where Flora Lewis now holds down the “humor” beat...
...I’m forever grateful to him for teaching me such handyshortcuts to laughter...
...How do I do that?’ “1 don’t understand...
...When they told me they had no extra gags to lend me, I left the office despondent...
...This is your captain speaking...
...I asked...
...But how did he do it...
...It was as if there were a drummer’s rim shot being sounded at the end of the column: “A voice came from the dark: ‘I just hit a slight depression.’ “ ‘Are we in a depression...
...Buchwald also showed me how to use the ancient technique of metaphor to amuse readers...
...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.’ “ ‘Where is it coming from...
...Families cut back by selling their extra Rolls Royces and firing servants...
...My friend was standing at the side filming the action with a camera...
...I still chuckle at these classic quotations drawn from his columns: “How do you know?“ “Explain how that works...
...Our motto is going to be: If you give our economic program a chance, every day will be like Christmas...
...Read that, along with my recent newspaper clips, and you’ll find everything you need to know...
...I’d go to my local cafe and sit with other impoverished artists for hours, nursing a beer, waiting for the Muse to strike...
...Ivisitedmy friend I. M. Hypocrite at the Department of Human Suffering uormerly the Department of Health and Human Services...
...He also created funny metaphors from common figuresofspeech and well-worn, overused cliches...
...When I first started out as a freelance humor writer, it was hardgettingpublished...
...The first thing I noticed was the brilliant way he conceived a premise-and telegraphed it to his readers in the first two paragraphs...
...I used all of Buchwald’s techniques to write the column, and, to my delight, he ran it without any changes...
...Long gone are those early days when trying to be funny made me miserable...
...No, I thought I had stepped on a place that was bottoming out and I didn’t see the hole...
...We’re both Jewish, we’re both funny, and we’re both named Art...
...I hoped to write a few columns for him, learn from his critiques, and, perhaps, see my articles published, even if they ran under his by-line...
...Hypocrite with a grin, “we’ll let them eat cake.’ The rest is history...
...It was a long wait: I came up with a funny idea onlyeverythree months or so...
...Well, if you don’t like the book, remember who wrote it-Russell Baker,” he quipped...
...He was in a deep pit, and I leaned over the edge and yelled down to him, ‘What do you see...
...The interview format, of course, allowed him to use plenty of dialogue filler...
...He took a long drag on his cigar...
...It is an act of faith with them that, if the people would just have patience, Ronald Reagan’s economic plans will work...
...So in one column he interviewed “Vladamir Cluck,” the purported inventor of the junk telephone call...
...In this case, it was President Reagan’s image problems with the poor...
...But what if thqv’re still hungry and miserable...
...As usual, Buchwald wasted no time setting up the premise: “All the president’s men keep saying the recession will bottom out very soon...
...Sure it will,”H.vpocritesaid...
...For example, in a column on A1 Haig’s business prospects after leaving office, he named the literary agent who immediately telephones Haig to offer him a book deal “Fast Fingers Dundy...
...It’s like this, kid...
...Looking over hiscolumns I realized he either (a) exaggerated wildly or (b) stood a news event on its head...
...Mr...
...His book and recent columns were filled with other equally valuable pointers...
...Political Consultants: New Kingmakers Work Their Magic" King Arthur, worried that Sir Lancelot’s popularity is rising, orders Merlin to invent the first political commercial...
...How do you know...
...You’re my kind of Hebe,”he quipped, and we all had a good laugh...
...Secretaries and pages report they haven’t been propositioned in over two months, threaten to quit...
...He turned to thepresident andshouted, “Cut...
...He’d written 20 books, 5,000 newspaper columns, and he appeared in 550 newspapers throughout the world...
...Reagan issuch agreat actor, he can,foolanybodv...
...I saw all of these techniques at work in his ribtickling article on the economy, “A Light at the End of the Recession...
...I screamed fearfully...
...Honeybee, made a presentation to the board of Desperate Tech University...
...Best of all, each piece of dialogue allowed him to start a new paragraph, bringing himever closer to the magic 600-word mark or its equivalent in column inches...
...A s I sit here on the beach at Martha’s Vineyard, I often pause to reflect on my life as America’s most adored humorist...
...What other commercials do you have planned?’ ‘‘ We’re going to have Nancy and Ronald donate all their china and designer clothes to an orphanage...
...We’ll film the next spot in a.few minutes...
...One of his favorite devices, I noticed, involved the Expert with the Funny Name...
...But I thinkhe’d be proud...
...We are headed into rocky waters and I want all congressional chief petty officers topside immediately.’ “A surly band of CPOs cam‘e topside...
...Art Levine is a contributingeditor of The Washington Monthly...
...He wasn’t easy to reach...
...The next stop is a glamorous French restaurant to meet my friends Ben Bradlee Jr...
...I can’tsteerthisship alone.’ “‘Where are we heading, Captain...
...Of course, people sometimes ask me, “Art, have you ever worried about burning out, waking up one morning unable to come up withanything more than just another funny name...
...I sometimes wonder what my beloved mentor would have thought about all this...
...Buchwald often went one step further, creating an imaginary expert with afunny name and then “interviewing” him about a particular topic...
...That’s what I like about my job-it’s indoors, and there’s no heavy lifting...
...I was unshaven, dressed in bluejeans,anda bit shaky from hunger...
...Being a world-famous columnist is so much fun I sometimes can’t believe that what I do is real1y“work...
...At lunch the next day I was flattered when the secretary himself came over and asked me to autograph his copy...
...Sometimes Buchwald topped even that by attaching the expert to an imaginary agency or business that also had a funny name...
...I madealist, with the real headlines in one column and the column ideas in the other: “Out of Work in Flint, Mich...
...Just the other day, for example, I did a column making fun of the administration’s decision to ship nuclear weapons and ten prominent American Jews to Libya in exchange for a year’s worth of free oil...
...So the administration is launching a counteroffensive to spruce up the president’s image...
...No recession is worth the loss of a Republican economist.’ ” Inspired by Buchwald, I began thumbing through my Sunday paper...
...and Edward Bennett Williams 111 for lunch...
...Gentlemen, I need your help...
...Sometimes I even got paid for them...
...But how did he think up his hilarious gag ideas...
...It wasamaideneffort, but promising...
...I’m OK now...
...Looking closely at “The Light at the End of the Recession,” it suddenly dawned on me...
...I’d be lying if I said 1 haven’t...
...But how will all this actuallv help the poor who are being hurt by the president’s economic program...
...I hadn’t read him regularly since Nixon resigned, but then I started lookingat what he did with new appreciation...
...Three timesa week, he wrote an uproariously funny column that everyone loved...
...one of them wanted to know...
...Yet you’re a rich and famous humorist, and . I can’t even pay my rent...
...Here’s my typical day: I get up around 10 a.m...
Vol. 14 • October 1982 • No. 8
