My Life in the Reserves, or 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation'
Baller, William
My Life in the Reserves, or 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation' by William Baller Whenever I watch Army Reserve ads on television, I see handsome, square-jawed 'young people checking their gear...
...Again I was wrong...
...But we didn't mind...
...I worried a bit when almost half of our vehicles broke down at some point during the trip to Camp Drum...
...But where were its escorts, the Dirty Dozen...
...The extra food-enough for 200 men-always conveniently vanished...
...If the Russians ever decide to sue us, the Army Reserve stands ready...
...In an effort to induce more people into the reserve system-which, according to President Carter, is 500,000 below strength-New York City, for one, began encouraging police and firemen to enlist...
...News and World Report recently advocated attracting more soldiers to the reserves by "increasing pay to a high enough level that recruits would be lined up waiting to join.?' The magazine did not mention anything about cracking down on training or improving discipline and morale, but, growing reflective, it did point out, that "the cost would be extremely high...
...He was dressed, not in the customary fatigues, but in a jogging warm-up suit...
...The reserve unit to which I was attached was scheduled to do much of its meetingand, rumor had it, regular bivouacing-in Tobyhanna...
...He spent the next hours trying fruitlessly to get a note from any doctor, dentist, or psychiatrist...
...He'd gotten tired after no relief and fallen asleep at the wheel...
...That disastrous trip set the tone for the rest of my service in the reserves, although the particular problem of lost trucks was not repeated...
...It's much too easy to steal...
...State employees were offered "trial" stints as National Guardsmen...
...Now, they tell me, much of its clout has slipped away, into the section charged with procuring dancers and other equipment for the annual summer camp party...
...Why hadn't they radioed, or even telephoned...
...Tobyhanna is a pleasant nook in Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains, where newlyweds pay large sums to relax in heart-shaped tubs and coo to each other about the scenery...
...Using their help, he contructed a payroll system that met regulation, but was so complex no one else in the unit could understand it...
...If, in a protracted conventional war, reservists were called up for eventual shipment to the lines, their training would have to begin from scratch, as if they were fuzz-faced recruits...
...Later on, New York State officials bred their own version of this abuse-but made it respectable by legitimizing it...
...Whenever his excessive liberties were called into question, he would retaliate by being unavailable to process the payroll...
...Unfortunately, they wouldn't let us have tanks for Baja...
...In salaries, for instance...
...They were officially paid their regular state salaries as well as Guard pay during these "trials...
...Throwing the reserves into a fight is out of the question, and the Pentagon knows it...
...In some categories of money-wasting, the Reserve surpasses even the regular Army...
...It didn't exactly make the unit seem like a coiled spring...
...Bilko Hogan & Klink Attys...
...I doubt that many of my comrades, who get lost on the Thruway, could be pressed into service analyzing telemetry from spy satellites...
...What's the point...
...Based on my experiences, I don't find it at all difficult to imagine other units being compelled to form their own Legal Sections just to deal with the flow of paperwork emanating from the first one...
...This would save the taxpayer huge sums and detract from our national defense not one bit, since all today's "prepared" reserves would have to take Army basic training before fighting anyway...
...But I really started to worry when they found the Dirty Dozen...
...But of this number, no more than 50 of us ever actually ate lunch...
...When I was a member from 1971 to 1977, things were somewhat less dynamic...
...But why go through the listless fiction of their "training...
...The level of training is so low, the lacuna so profound, that a reservist is no more prepared to join combat than any passerby plucked randomly from the street...
...Several of us brought this up with command, but nothing, to my knowledge, was ever done about it...
...A Removable Feast Despite the drive to economize by cutting out luxuries like bullets, there is plenty of money around...
...It reminded me of an old description of the aftermath of Humpty Dumpty's fall...
...He failed at every turn...
...The most common bivouac dodge is to find a doctor willing to certify you unfit to endure a hike in the woods...
...The warriors would juggle their city schedules so they were assigned to work on weekends they knew their units would be called to drill...
...Daily pay increases with rank and service...
...During my six months of regular service, for example, I was amazed at how much food was simply discarded, to insure that the food budget would never be slashed...
...It had quietly fallen to the back of the line...
...I had to think that, for instance, on a summer morning in 1971, when the New York State Police finally found our missing truckload of rifles...
...It was sitting on the shoulder of the Thruway...
...The only thing in the truck was dozens of rifles-lying unguarded, where anybody could have picked them up...
...It's the time when alcohol and drugs are hardest to obtain...
...And you can't get a tank going fast enough...
...yet if during morn-' ing "drills" we did nothing else, it was insisted that each of us sign one (or several) copies of the lunch register, which determined how many rations were issued...
...Our enemies will more probably try to attack us through some means less final than thermonuclear destruction-like, say, the court system...
...Naturally, lots of folks signed up, tempted by the extra cash and the automatic out when the trial expired...
...So from that summer on, we rode to camp in air-conditioned chartered buses, unencumbered by guns or anything else heavy...
...When I left the reserves, the Legal Section's power was growing stronger...
...You may be wondering, what about target practice...
...Under a training-less reserve, volunteers would simply sign up and stay on a call list for a reasonable period, like the present six years...
...Initially I assumed there might be some trainingrelated labor connected with the assignment...
...The rest, in the manner of vacationers, ate off-base at restaurants...
...Therefore," the King concludes, "it's clear I need more horses and more men...
...Now-committed to two weeks of "summer camp" and a weekend a month of training for the next six years-I began to get apprehensive about the reserve operation...
...Ammunition is expensive, and we all know that in these inflationary times, even the Army must cut back...
...In the absence of war, nothing more would happen...
...A far more accessible sport was Baja, using what few vehicles functioned...
...I'd only recently finished the thenrequired six months' initial training in the "regular" Army, which frowned on leaving truckloads of weapons on public highways...
...The King goes to his council and explains that all of his horses and all of his men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again...
...Baja Ha Ha Camp itself began slowly...
...For the remainder of the two weeks, I expected strenuous drills...
...In this age of nuclear megadeath, an all-out international conflict seems unlikely...
...But it's hardly the Army Reserve I remember...
...I worried still more when, despite our baby-elephantwalk line, several trucks got lost...
...Thus weekend warriors often develop a number oftemporary ailments from which they later enjoy remarkable recoveries-aided, no doubt, by miracle drugs available only during weekday business hours...
...Desperate, he went to the one person capable of leading him to sanctuary...
...Talking to my friends still in our "second line of defense," and learning its condition is little different from when I was discharged, I often wonder, "Just what is this$3-billion-a-year operation for...
...If that sounds basic, it's still more philosophical than the thought that ran through my head constantly when I was actually on reserve maneuvers: "Who's kidding who...
...Marches...
...This may seem bewildering to a populace so entranced with camping trips and talking to God under the stars, but it's highly practical...
...Reserve registration should continue, but all the frivolous "summer camps" and "weekend warrior" exercises should be terminated...
...To induce people to sign, reservists would be paid an initial bonus and perhaps a yearly fee...
...Nothing so obsesses a reservist as getting out of bivouac, which is a couple of days of marching around and sleeping in fieldpack tents...
...Oddly enough, shooting skill with deadly automatic weapons like the M-16 seems to deteriorate even with just one short year of no practice...
...Yet when the cops found the truck, the Dirty Dozen were long gone...
...He almost convinced the First Sergeant that his presence would doom whatever slim chance the unit had of completing its exercise successfully...
...That may not sound to you like a very productive way to allocate our military resources...
...Aside, then, from giving the Pentagon and state governors an extra little empire to preside oVtfr, do the reserves offer anything...
...neither, for that matter, will the regular Army...
...The annual day of target practice is to confirm their proficiency, or "qualify...
...In the highest military tradition, our failings worked to our benefit...
...You are not assigned remedial target practice if you fail to qualify...
...At least I tried to make something of this "work," unlike most of those assigned to Cannibalization...
...But wouldn't the reservists be of use to reinforce Army divisions bogged down in a conventional war somewhere...
...Their commitment was so tenuous it was difficult to persuade-or, more aptly, coerce-them into performing even the most elementary assignments...
...Instead, I found myself assigned to Cannibalization-dismantling old vehicles to salvage parts...
...He staffed it with people of such strategic significance that it would be against the nation's interests to jeopardize them with bivouacs...
...Nowhere to be seen...
...Battlefields would pose a somewhat greater navigational challenge than the Thruway...
...Besides this means of awarding yourself a bonus, there were other ways a reservist could make more than met the eye...
...As a result they got reserve pay plus their regular salariesand often overtime...
...There is merit to having a pool of volunteers committed to presenting themselves if called...
...Pay varies with different units, but many reservists are paid about $2,000 to join, $450 a month for initial training (now cut back from six months to a minimum of four), and $30 on up per weekend tour...
...Nevertheless, the lawyers keep on writing opinions about the regulations, drawing up procedures, and probably drafting proposals for new, even-more-complicated rules...
...He was the PFC in charge of assigning sections...
...Baja involved running the largest vehicles you could find down the camp's bumpy, unpaved roads at breakneck speeds...
...If some two-bit Third World strongman ever challenges us to a duel to the death at Baja, it'll be a milk run...
...This is not princely, but then again it's not bad, considering that you do no work for the money and the meals are on the house...
...The staterun National Guard, almost identical in purpose and organization to the Pentagonrun Reserve, has a similar salary structure...
...That took care of that...
...The unit's record with equipment was so poor, command decided it was unsafe to entrust us with any...
...Because no one was assigned to take their places, progress on Cannibalization came to a sleepy halt...
...A Pentagon spokesman told me the M-16 is "like riding a bicycle...
...Occasionally-because the weapons are ill-cleaned and cared-for, and the reservists have forgotten the details of operating them-summer soldiers are injured by the misfires of their own guns...
...This arrangement was especially patriotic as it developed at a time ~hen New York City was going through one of its stiffest rounds of budget cuts and layoffs...
...At a drill prior to a deployment to the Poco nos, one of the outfit's lawyers put in an infrequent appearance...
...It's good to know that our fighting forces are backed by a reserve of combat-ready actors...
...The rest just blasted away in the general direction of the targets, trying to use up their rounds so they could leave...
...It wasn't till hours later, when we reached camp, that the truck was missed...
...My Life in the Reserves, or 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation' by William Baller Whenever I watch Army Reserve ads on television, I see handsome, square-jawed 'young people checking their gear before they jump from a plane or blast a tank...
...So, after going to the colossal expense of assembling and equipping reserve troops, the Pentagon saves money by waiving target practice...
...When it was announced that one section would be left behind on all Tobyhanna expeditions my unit rallied into a rare show of solidarity-every single one of us tried to sign up for that section...
...How often do reservists shoot...
...Tanks require practice to drive...
...Reservists have to go when called...
...Neverthless, we looked on trips to Tobyhanna with trembling dread...
...Bivouac is one of the very few actual tasks a reservist is ever asked to do...
...As it developed, though, the arrangement subtracted more from the city than it added to the country...
...Then, feigning ignorance, they would apply for "military leave" to fulfill their "obligation...
...Officers-many of them ROTC grads in their mid-twenties-make about $3,000 a year for Reserve work...
...A quick sound-off confirmed our commander's worst suspicions- the vehicle was in the hands of the Dirty Dozen, a band of veteran reservists so named for their less-than-exemplary acquaintance with traditional military values...
...After all, they would be agreeing to surrender their freedom immediately when needed, and for this they would deserve to be compensated...
...It's the only time-camped out on a flat, open space-he probably can't sneak away...
...You just pick it up and you remember...
...This requires a touch of subtlety, for you don't want the doctor to portray you as such a wheezing wreckage that you'd have to be tossed out of the reserves altogether...
...He created the Legal Section, and instructed it to analyze Army regulations...
...I worried more when a personnel carrier veered off the road and smashed into a wall of rock...
...This seemed laudible...
...For me, that hardly seemed like regulation...
...This did not sit well with the authorities, who ordered the offenders away from the trucks...
...The man in question was not a highranking officer, prominent politician, or well-connected businessman...
...They decided to expedite the process by throwing rocks through the trucks' windows...
...Now where do you suppose it went...
...My six years of service convinced me that the level of training is so low, the care of equipment so laughable, the lacuna so profound, that a reservist is no more prepared to join combat than any passerby plucked randomly from the street...
...Its driver was the only man available qualified to operate the carrier...
...Semper Fraudeles Everyone knows the reserves won't be of any use during an all-out nuclear war...
...Since all the non-bivouac sections were filled, this young visionary-who orchestrated the unit's business from a bagel stand in Bayside, Queens-hit upon a bold stroke...
...And because the rock-throwers were given no new assignment, they spent the remaining days of camp sunning themselves along the Black River, a bucolic creek that winds through the grounds...
...But let's face it...
...You don't have to practice all the time...
...In my experience, only a handful of the reservists were sharp enough to pass the target practice (or qualify...
...They became so proficient in their knowledge of Army regulations that, in addition to never bivouacing again, they began to counsel others on how to avoid this duty...
...They'd hiked there when the truck broke down...
...The main thing that's going through his head is avoiding bivouac...
...No, they wouldn't, at least no more than any reasonably healthy, non-certifiable person...
...Thus the reserve would continue to serve the function of persuading people to join the military of their own free will, but stop wasting billions going through the motions of "training...
...Their "preparation" and "readiness," which cost the taxpayers $3 billion a year, would mean utterly nothing...
...In a war, drawing on them eliminates the time and confusion that would otherwise be required to draft pure civilians...
...you may be one of the antiquated minority who think soldiers should know how to shoot and follow orders...
...No one went after them...
...Why did they leave their weapons in the truck...
...When I left the Reserve, I was a low-ranked sergeant making $80 per weekend...
...The object was to generate as much dust as possible, and the kind of sudden dips associated with roller coasters...
...When the rare shooting does take place, Reserve duty's carefree mood can turn grim...
...I assure you, it wasn't discarded...
...As it turns out, their sole value is procedural...
...After showing up the first couple of days and pawing through records in a lethargic fog, all but a few of my comrades simply stopped reporting...
...But in the lax environment of the Reserve camp, there's no need to throw the food away...
...Closed-order formations and parade rest...
...They were a few miles from their abandoned truck in one of the Adirondacks' resort hotels...
...Naturally, all the unit's lawyers joined it immediately...
...Even during an extended "limited" nuclear contest, which the Pentagon insists is possible, the reserves will be useless...
...One sergeant who valued his peace of mind, for example, became a payroll specialist at the Legal Section's advice...
...All roll calls and inspections were held in abeyance until the Dirty Dozen could be rounded up...
...Reservists, during their initial stints of "regular Army," are supposed to become proficient on standard-issue weapons like the M-I and M-16 rifles...
...Out of Bivouac Few visions of reform pass through the reservist's head as he bounces along in a deuce-and-a-half, headed for another two weeks of a "summer camp" far less disciplined than the volleyball-and-hayride affairs we usually associate with the term...
...Exactly once a year...
...My job was to sort through garbled inventory sheets and collate them into some unspecified forma job I attempted with almost no supervision...
...This surprises headquarters...
...My unit was provided with food enough for its 250 members...
...A couple of men were assigned to actually dismantle the trucks, which required some physical effort...
...Nobody in our Army Reserve caravanheaded from Fort Totten, Queens, to upstate Camp Drum for my first reServe "summer camp"-had noticed when the truck pulled off the road...
...Well, we spent almost no time actually firing weapons, or even holding them...
...We Subpoena at Dawn...
...It was hard enough," one said, "to carry our golf clubs and scuba gear all the way here...
...He created a new section...
...Hadn't thought of it...
...Informed that he must come on the next bivouac and no excuses would be tolerated, he was driven to a flurry of action...
...For respite from this nervous pace, there was the annual camp tennis tournament, held at a nearby resort...
Vol. 12 • June 1980 • No. 4
