Have You Got What it Takes to Write for the Washington Monthly?
Have You Got What it Takes to Write for the Washington Monthly? Have you ever dreamt of being a rich and famous writer? Have you ever thought how much fun it would be to be your own boss,...
...Unique Philosophy Now that you’ve learned the basic concepts behind a Monthlv piece, it’s time to enter the confusing world of the ma ga z i ne ’s “ p o 1 it i ca 1 p h i 1 o S o p h y , ” Actually, “political philosophy” is a polite euphemism for the grab bag of unusual ideas, half-baked schemes, and petty prejudices that is referred to as “The Gospel...
...That’s right...
...Let’s say your article is on oil prices...
...Too good to be true...
...Many contented writers have said that there’s no surprise quite like seeing a manuscript of theirs end up as an article in The Washingron Monthlj...
...Often they find themselves espousing ideas they never even heard of, let alone agree with...
...The Gospel I I I I I I I . The federal bureaucracy is filled with too many lazy and incompetent I people, over-protected by a tenure system...
...Not at all...
...2. Which of these articles could not get published in The Washington Monthly...
...How would the Monthly handle this sensitive topic...
...And don’t worry about how you can make your story fit into the political philosophy of the magazine...
...In fact, people always say, “How do you folks at the Monrhiv keep coming up with those new story ideas all the time...
...What these people don’t know is that we don’t really come up with new ideas, but different Mia.iis to sa.i’ the same thing over and over again...
...He ends with a ringing denunciation of government bureaucracy...
...Dozens of world-famous celebrities now earn fistfuls of dollars each day since they mastered the techniques of writing for The Washington Monthly...
...TIONS...
...It may seem hard at first to mention True Davis in an article about the Peace Corps, but once you get used to it, it becomes so easy, you won’t even notice you’re doing it...
...All the rest I are bad for America...
...Well, it doesn’t have to be that way, because I’m going to introduce you to the opportunity of a lifetimewriting for ;he Washington Monthly magazine...
...He was riding in an open-air Mercedes-Benz, with a beautiful blonde at his side...
...Well, I’ve given you everything you need to make it in theglamorous world of Monrh/j- journalism...
...After shooting down a few harmless liberals, you can go on to denounce anything from food stamps to free swim classes...
...Send that manuscript in anyway...
...Convince yourself that it really is a sensible idea, that yours will be the definitive article on the topic (until next year...
...But if you’re like most people you’ve probably told yourself, “I don’t have a chance...
...Yes, it’s true...
...Here’s a quick quiz designed to see how much you’ve mastered: I . Most liberals think a nuclear war would be a disaster...
...No matter how trivial or dull your ideas may seem, we’re ready to print them...
...My own life has been equally transformed since I learned the easy-to-follow method of writing for The Washington Monthly...
...What we need, in these times, is a rebirth of...
...We recommend no more than a few paragraphs of original material in every article...
...1 only work two hours a day, nine months a year...
...D.C...
...1 can’t write for beans, I’m dull as d i s h w a t e r , I hate researching, and I don’t have any strongly held political opinions...
...President...
...If so, he’ll run it on the cover of the magazine, mention it in his column a few times, and find ways t o d o variations on the same theme...
...Go into lengthy descriptions of the car, the highways, whatever comes to mind--your reader is sure to be fascinated...
...Are you willing to take the risk...
...They act mostly in their selfI interest and charge too much money...
...Every few days I would crawl to my mailbox only to find yet another rejection letter...
...Since you want to avoid that kind of foirlish mistake, here are the major elements of the Gospel, in capsulized and easy-to-remember form...
...Some writers never learn this, so they never cut it with the magazine...
...But that’s just part of the excitement that comes from being a Washington Month...
...One problem in this tricky field is keeping a close watch on the prevailing liberal mood, so you can oppose it...
...How come you earn more money than black folk singers who appear with you...
...Have you ever thought how much fun it would be to be your own boss, travel to exotic vacation spots, and hobnob with the international jet set...
...writers know more than the Gospel itself-they know some of the sure-fire story ideas that grow out of it...
...gospel gospel gospel, etc...
...And all you have to remember about him is that he repi*esents everything that is evil about Washington...
...As a special favor, we’ll do it without even telling you...
...The civil service needs a healthy dose of politics to make it responsive...
...Well, at the Monthly, nojob’s too tough for one of our skilled writers...
...I’m never going to get any lucky breaks...
...As you can see, nobody’s perfect, and it’s the Month1v:s job as the scourge of liberal hypocrisy to point that out...
...Did you decide on, say, “The Case For Child Abuse...
...I know you’ll come up with something...
...I can practically write Washington Month/,\> articles in my sleep-and so will you, once you learn the easy steps of writing for this prestigious magazine...
...Some of these ideas may contradict themselves, but who cares...
...Here’s a sample of the way some top Washington Monthly writers might approach this all-important issue: “Busting Our Mental Blocks on H it ler ”-Co n t ri bu t ing edit or To m Bethell argues that the sins of Adolf Hitler have been wildly exaggerated by the liberal media over the years, especially by The New York Times and The Washington Post...
...Just when I was at the end of my rope, I happened to spot an old friend on the street...
...I can’t take it,” they say...
...Now it’s up to you...
...Big government needs to be I reduced and’waste eliminated...
...Maybe even throw in a few paragraphs from earlier Month/)* articles...
...Why, with its usual array of fresh insights and provocative arguments, of course...
...Well, imagjne the fun you’ll have writing new articles on the same hardy subjects...
...Take whatever you think he holds dear and tell him that he’s wrong...
...I 2. People should take risks and become entrepreneurs...
...Let’s take the underlying approach to the articles first...
...Now comes the hard part: How do you pretend that your article isn’t leading up to the same Gospel conclusions your readers have read dozens of times before...
...Once you learn these basics, you can grind out articles month after month, just like the real professionals do...
...How come you always hdg the spotlight at every demonstration...
...I sent in manuscripts on every liberal subject I could think of, from nuclear disarmament to teenage unemployment to the United Nations, but nothing seemed to click...
...But you have to be careful, or you may end up arguing aposition held by a majority of your readers...
...Take a look at some earlier articles the magazine has run...
...For example, how would you go about attacking someone like Pete Seeger or Mahatma Gandhi...
...Your job is simple enough: rip him to shreds and portray him (or her) as a petty egomaniac without any scruples at all...
...That’s good advice to keep in mind as you hunt for “liberal hypocrisy” stories...
...The Monthly’s approach to the Third Reich should give you insights about the magazine-and how you can fit in...
...You sound like the kind of writer the Monrh1.v is always looking for...
...One day, for example, a young investigative reporter named Seymour H. came to Peters with some story about a massacre in a Vietnamese town...
...It should also clue you into another basic element of Monthly writing: attacks on liberal hypocrisy...
...You see, other magazines make it too easy for their readers by telling them at the very beginning of an article what it’s about...
...So-and-so is the kind of legislator True Davis would have loved...
...If you can drag in this name, you can’t go wrong...
...Three Steps to Success Learning to write for the Monthly can be divided into several broad categories: mastering the concepts behind all Monthly stories, memorizing the political philosophy of the magazine (known in-house as “The Gospel’?, and learning the unique structure common to Washington Monthly pieces...
...One way to do this is to open with a long anecdote that has little to do with the topic at hand...
...At one point, I was so desperate for material I read everything Norman Cousins ever wrote...
...Let’s take Nazi Germany...
...Peters took one look at the hapless writer’s manuscript and said, “What’s the point...
...What to do...
...The Gospel is, in fact, a list of ideas made up over the years by the magazine’s idiosyncratic editor, Charles Peters, who demands that at least some of them appear in every article the magazine runs...
...But now, a word of caution: don’t forget, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there among the iconoclasts...
...So take a look at the following list and decide if you want to be this year’s author on: Trident Submarines West Virginia Politics The Washington Post The Postal Service The Peace Corps The CIA and the Failure of Intelligence The Imperial Press Foreign Service Officers Law Schools A. Ernest Fitzgerald Reading that list was a lot of fun, wasn’t it...
...Taking apart Seeger, for instance, would be a piece of cake...
...Hopefully you’ll be made of sterner stuff...
...In other words, we are practically indistinguishable from National Review, except that our readership is made up of average, white, educated liberals...
...He was wearing a floorlength fur coat and had a great tan...
...What's your secret...
...6. Coal miners have a tough life...
...Explain...
...He explains how a Harvard-educated elite and the American class system helped Hitler in his rise to power and led to the invasion of Czechoslovakia...
...It’s admittedly a bitter pill to swallow, but the magazine does have its standards...
...There are class differences in I 8. Lawyers and doctors are up to no good...
...We have already run several articles on this subject this year...
...Once you get the hang of it, it’s simple...
...We believe in keeping the reader in suspense...
...If not-keep reading, you may still be able to catch up with the rest of the class...
...1 never even touch a typewriter, but dictate my articles to my Swedish secretary, Helga, while counting the luxury cars that fill my driveway...
...Veteran Month!,, writers know there are ways to ease the discomfort of repeating a hackneyed Gospel conclusion...
...I 7. In our hypocritical society, people’s credentials are more important I than how they perform or what they do...
...After learning how to write for your magazine, I earned $45,000 a year writing speeches for a US...
...The books I write are smash bestsellers, and / travel all around the world...
...Now, as a special bonus for being so attentive, I’m going to let you in on a secret about writing for this magazine that has never b+re been revealed...
...Sounds great, doesn’t it...
...Not us...
...It can’t be done,” you say, “Those men are saints...
...Let’s take another look...
...It’s at this point that many would-be Monthlv writers crack...
...I’m pals with every celebrity from John Dean to Bill Russell...
...I 4. The government should provide free medical care and a guaranteed I 5. Railroads should be the country’s leading form of transportation...
...That kind of mixup could be awfully embarrassing...
...Here’s how it works: Suppose you want to do a profile on some famous and admired liberal, some leader with a lifetime of important achievements...
...If I have to come out for a national railroad system once more, I’ll die...
...For example, if you”re writing about a congressman, you might say, “Rep...
...Highlights of the piece include his witty, scathing attacks on Anne Frank and Eli Weisel...
...See...
...You might start by recalling the first car your father gave you, and how you used to drive it all a r o u n d town...
...Scratch a liberal,” we say at the Monthly, “and you’ll find a hypocrite...
...What’s the point...
...But don’t just take my word for it...
...a) “How the Federal Civil Service System Screwed the Average West Virginia Coalminer ” b) “Pimps: the Last Entrepreneurs” c) “Cheryl Tiegs”Beauty Tips for Federal Executives” d) “How to Save Iran: Call in The Big Bills” Some Tips on Style Now, you’re almost ready to write your own piece...
...What position should a Washington Monthlv writer take...
...As a would-be writer, all you have to do is submit a manuscript on any of these subjects, and if your entry is received before other manuscripts on the same topic, yours will be sure to run as the annual entry in the field...
...It was only a short time until I, too, learned the secrets of successful writing for this great magazine...
...Pretty soon you’ll be halfway through the article and the reader still won’t know what the piece is about...
...That’s right, kick him in the shins with a totally off-the-wall concept...
...But first, you have to learn a few rudiments of structuring a Month/.v article...
...I 3. To run properly, the government needs accurate and fearless I intelligence and internal reporting...
...If not, that may be because our society hasn’t provided the kind of supportin our political system, our schools, and in our culture-that’s necessary to encourage that sort of risk-taking...
...Peters also gives the family high marks for altruism and patriotism, qualities he finds sorely lacking in today’s society...
...Your readers probably think the Nazi regime was the most evil, vile tragedy in world history, without a shred of redeeming social value...
...Do you remember “The Case For Corporate Bribery,” “The Case Againsr Day Care,” or “Let the Aliens In...
...Pick a few from the list and turn them into Washington Monthly articles: jogging child abuse Idi Amin necrophilia Judaism nutrition Well, time’s up...
...If so, you show definite potential as a Monthly writer...
...For practice, here are some highly publicized topics and deeply held beliefs...
...Military cover-up...
...See how easy it is...
...Ultimately, the real irony may be that the values that made this country great blah blah blah...
...Amazing...
...We’re open to a n y o n e , r e g a r d l e s s of experience or talent...
...Just grab any paper or magazine and begin making up your own iconoclastic story ideas...
...Only a few years before, he was a skinny college student with a beatup Volkswagen...
...All articles should be written with this type of reader in mind...
...The UMW, UAW, and the union that I protects people who empty bedpans are the only useful unions...
...That’s just the kind of wacky idea Peters might take a shine to...
...What could be simpler...
...And now, it’s your chance to cash in on the trade secrets insiders have known for years...
...It's so easy, anybody can do it...
...Could 1 get published in your magazine?’’ Our answer is: Welcome aboard...
...How Many Jews Did You Kill in the War, Daddy...
...Our top-notch editors will be glad to add an introduction, a conclusion, and loads of thoughrprovoking opinions without troubling you with the dreary task of doing it yourself...
...Can’t 1 please come to an original conclusion...
...At first glance, he looks unassailable: a victim of Cold War blacklisting, a lovable human being, a selfless activist, who gives both his time and money to a wide variety of noble causes...
...But successful Month...
...Here are some unsolicited testimonials from successful graduates of The Washington Monthly School of Formula Writing: “Before I took your course I was just another Rhodes Scholar and Harvard Crimson editor...
...In the face of government paperwork and the seductions of playitsafe manufacturing, this plucky family nonetheless invented new bombs and weapons to aid their country in its time of need...
...We all had a good laugh afterwards...
...All you have to do is find some commonly accepted belief, and then turn it on its head, arguing any p o s i t i o n t h a t is p e r v e r s e a n d iconoclastic...
...All that’s required is that you read this homestudy course (reading time: 10 minutes) and beeagerto make your dreams come true...
...There is a magic name that guarantees your article will be published no matter how badly done...
...He ends with a ringingdenunciation of government bureaucracy...
...For example, do you think the civil service could be improved if all bureaucrats were forbidden to ride carsto work...
...Writing for The Washington Monthly," he said with a smile...
...At this point, you may have to relent, and provide some new information...
...Repeat yourself...
...The magazine bills itself as “the liberal magazine that challenges liberal orthodoxy...
...At the Monthly, we say, “Hey, not so fast...
...1’11 have to work at a dull 9-to-5 job for the rest of my life...
...Everybody and his uncle is always trying to surprise the liberal reader, so the Monthly has to stay one step ahead of the competition...
...That was easy enough, wasn’t it...
...We do it all the time...
...But be sparing...
...Dear Sir," a typical letter would begin, "we regret to inform you that we cannot use your article on Negro welfare mothers...
...In this sensitive first-person account, James Fallows apologizes for causing World War 11...
...We’ve gone from a nation of vigorous entrepreneurs to a nation of timid bureaucrats, each obsessed with preserving his security in the miasma of special-interest politics...
...And don’t worry that you’ve never heard of True Davisneither has an,ivne else...
...Once I was just another liberal freelance writer, eating out of tins of dog food while waiting for letters of acceptance for my articles...
...Here’s the name that makes every manuscript a winner: T,-ue Duvis...
...I can’t thank you enough...
...Just picture him: he’s just come home from work, he’s tired, and he’s wading through a pile of liberal magazines...
...and promptly threw him out of the office...
...Dead civilians...
...I own a townhouse in Georgetown and a summer place in Martha’s Vineyard...
...Since the Gospel is periodically revised and updated to include any stray ideas that catch his fancy, .)’our idea, no matter how crazy it may seem to you, has a chance to become part of the Gospel...
...But a closer look shows just how many tough questions you can ask...
...These mysterious “tricks of the trade,” once a secret shared only by a privileged few, have made superstars out of people just like yourself-and now they can be yours ABSOLUTELY FREE, to use in the privacy of your own home...
...Sire,” someskeptics may say, “but how can 1 become a Washington Month/,,?w riter...
...and unless it contains enough Gospel, it will never be transformed into that special s o m e t h i n g known a s a Washingion Monihli2 article...
...Your best bet is to stick to widely held assumptions...
...If this doesn’t work for you, if you still Can’t face this onerous task, don’t despair...
...Our advice: stall for time...
...What Liberals Can Learn From the K r u p p Fa m i 1y”- E d it or C h a r 1 e s Peters hails the entrepreneurial spirit of Germany’s leading munitions makers...
...Some samples: Okay, Mr...
...Note to editor: Can’t think of an ending...
...Now, I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming...
...They may not be obvious from the above concepts, but these additional article topics are so interesting and exciting that the editors love to run them again and again...
...Then, before you know it, you’ll be writing a Gospel conclusion just like so many fine writers before you have done...
...Mass murder...
...Taylor 6. Acapulco, Mexico That's just a small sample of the letters that pour into our offices each year...
...At this point, it’s time to take stock of what you’ve learned...
...We’ll be glad to write the conclusion for you...
...James F. Washington, “I’m the ‘highest-paid ghost-writer in the Western Hemisphere, and it’s all because of you...
...is Peters’ query after reading every manuscript...
...You only have a brief moment to catch his attention before your article is thrown into the trash along with Commonweal...
...Hey Jim," I said, "you look great...
...Liberal Folk Hero, how come you waited until now to protest against nuclear power (especially when tHe Monthly noted its dangers as early as 1969...
Vol. 10 • February 1979 • No. 11
