Casual
HAYES, STEPHEN F.
Casual WHAT A WAIST The khaki pants at Harold's clothiers were a steal at $20. That they had been marked down from $100 made them irresistible, even though the 38-inch waist was two inches bigger...
...It's a lot more masculine than yoga," was his flaccid attempt at a defense...
...Not enough to diet or exercise, but it bothered me...
...But there is the problem of my knees...
...We had become what I'd always mocked: the mismatched couple...
...My Fat Pants," I explained to my wife, who knows well my Oprah-like fluctuations...
...My anonymous friend has taken to wearing a pedometer...
...I tried Atkins, the Zone, the government-approved high-carb, low-fat plan...
...He remains anonymous...
...I don't recommend this...
...I looked at Dave just as he slumped in his chair, defeated...
...I never want to get to the point where my best defense is: It's a lot moire masculine than yoga...
...Things are different now...
...But I must admit their new "lifestyles" seem to be working...
...As long as you wear pants that say "36" on the inside tag, you technically have a 36-inch waist...
...But I have trouble staying on any diet...
...I still can't imagine participating in such activities...
...Dave's wife told us how Dave had avoided that problem...
...This purchase was a very bad idea...
...But I suppose now that I've written a full-page magazine piece about pedometers, pilates, and pants sizes, I can't have too much pride about anything...
...A year ago, he talked about his boxing workouts...
...My wife is always in good shape, and soon we were getting quizzical stares in public places...
...The reasoning was simple...
...That they had been marked down from $100 made them irresistible, even though the 38-inch waist was two inches bigger than I was wearing at the time...
...Friend: "I'm depressed...
...he played high school football and wrestled varsity for three years...
...Pilates pants...
...2, Dave was a strapping young man...
...I bought the bigger size and gained weight until it fit, so I'd buy the smaller size and lose weight until it fit...
...At 6 ft...
...Eventually I was desperate enough to go on a diet...
...So now I'm considering exercise...
...What is pilates...
...Then, pasta and garlic bread for lunch...
...he informed me last week with evident pride...
...That's what all of my pants are...
...So I came up with a brilliant plan...
...Some of my friends have already accepted this...
...And it would be nice to retire my Fat Pants...
...I had never needed pants any bigger than 36—the upper reaches of acceptable post-collegiate girth for a formerly athletic guy...
...What are pilates pants...
...What is she doing with him...
...In short, nothing manly...
...After two years, I've collected nine pairs of unworn size 36s...
...Friend: "What do you mean, what was it...
...I started buying new 36s...
...Lately, I've taken to switching with each meal—bacon, sausage, eggs, and cheese for breakfast...
...Our wives were complaining about men who work out in revealing short shorts...
...Me: "What was it before...
...This doesn't work...
...My tailor just told me my waist is 37 inches...
...This same friend, when I called to ask permission to use his name, first tried to convince me that the numbers were 35 and 36...
...I spent an hour on the heavy bag," he would say, "and then jumped rope for 20 minutes...
...This, at least, according to an exchange I had with a friend not long ago...
...Anonymous has walked off 15 lbs., and Dave is slowly getting himself back to wrasslin' form...
...I was at dinner recently with my college roommate—we'll call him "Dave"—and our wives...
...For dinner, a big steak—no potatoes—and a Michelob Ultra...
...I wouldn't budge...
...My doctors tell me not to subject my knees to pounding or twisting of any kind—no more beach volleyball, no more soccer, no more hockey...
...Not by dieting or exercising, but by continuing to wear my increasingly uncomfortable 36s...
...This bothered me...
...Silly as he sounds, talking openly about your girly exercise regime is probably wiser than keeping it a secret...
...It's a 36...
...Friend: "He's wrong...
...It's not even lunch and I've already taken 8,500 steps...
...David just bought a new pair of pilates pants," she said, and continued talking...
...His secret was out...
...Coming off of my sixth knee surgery, it took me just three months until my Fat Pants fit and another three months before they were too tight...
...I fought the change with everything I had...
...But once you buy the bigger size, you've already conceded you will need them...
...STEPHEN F. HAYES...
...Dave explained that pilates is a new, hip fitness regimen that "involves stretching and breathing" exercises...
...Me: "But your tailor just measured you at 37...
...There were real-world consequences...
Vol. 9 • January 2004 • No. 19
