Casual
HAYES, STEPHEN F.
Casual Down and Out in Vegas Somehow, my ability to pay for a cab back to McCarran International airport depended entirely on the Philadelphia Eagles' beating the Jacksonville Jaguars by more than...
...Better luck next time...
...The Luxor didn't have a registration for any Hayes, other than "Rocky" Hayes...
...But that would have been a $100 line, right...
...Well, because I had had this "feeling...
...I was surprised to see that someone who knew how to beat the odds had a well-feathered mullet and was wearing a NASCAR T-shirt and jeans...
...Carrie, too, was out \of cash...
...Black...
...Casual Down and Out in Vegas Somehow, my ability to pay for a cab back to McCarran International airport depended entirely on the Philadelphia Eagles' beating the Jacksonville Jaguars by more than three points...
...I suppose I'd expected someone who looked like Wayne Newton or Danny DeVito...
...It's tempting to say I'll never return to Vegas...
...Late Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on the ticket that would pay me $18.31 if the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Jacksonville Jaguars by at least a field goal...
...I should probably point out that my $10 on the game was almost certainly the lowest amount wagered by any of the three hundred people in the room...
...Only one problem with that...
...I just have this feeling...
...Yeah, it was either that time or the next one," he explained to a friend who, judging from the $500 he then laid on the table, was buying this line...
...On this day, however, I was a huge Eagles fan, cheering louder than anyone in the Luxor sports book when they did well, and cursing their every failure...
...Stephen f. Hayes...
...And next time I'll win...
...I meandered over to an empty blackjack table—carefully chosen for its lucky location...
...The only time I won was when I put $20 down on the Wisconsin-Penn State game...
...No doubt...
...Rocky had cancelled...
...I got a message on my cell phone from an editorial assistant, wondering if "Rocky Hayes" was (a) my brother or (b) my Vegas persona...
...I guarantee it...
...And so the whole weekend went...
...I'm not sure exactly how my winnings had dwindled to that paltry sum...
...I stopped, turned around, and fired back...
...By the end of the game, they had become my least favorite NFL team...
...I'm telling you, there's a pattern," he insisted, eyeballing the lighted board showing four reds in a row...
...My first such encounter came on Friday afternoon at the Monte Carlo, when I happened upon The Roulette Expert...
...He was not discouraged when the ball settled comfortably on a red number...
...At any time, in any casino, you're likely to run into someone who thinks he has the place figured out...
...Wow, that was fast," he uttered with a smirk...
...Told you...
...But I might have known how things would end up when I went to check into my hotel...
...I had correctly picked Penn State, but being a Wisconsin native, I'd really wanted the Badgers to win...
...F I've never liked the Eagles, and I'm usually happy when they lose...
...I tried craps, horse racing, football parlays—all with the same result...
...The Eagles lost...
...Four minutes after I sat down, my dealer, Frank, said his first words to me...
...The wedding was splendid, so at least that part of the weekend went well...
...Can you wire money on a Sun-day?—Carrie found $20 in her purse and we were off to the airport...
...But, after calling my bank's automated teller line, I realized there was no way to get more money (except by an Eagles victory...
...Red...
...But even that was only half a victory...
...Finally, the fifth time, the ball landed on black...
...See," he said with obvious pride...
...Okay, I made that last part up...
...Why not...
...Four more times, The Expert promised a black winner only to have the ball land on red...
...The weekend wasn't supposed to end this way...
...Which was a shame, because I had this feeling that if only I could get my hands on some dollars—just enough to hit the slot machines for a few min-utes—I'd walk away a winner...
...So when The Weekly Standard | tried to fax an edited copy of last week's piece, it went to Rocky...
...After we spent several minutes seeking answers to highly embarrassing questions—Do cabs take credit cards...
...I'll be there again and soon...
...This should've been a sign...
...At least I don't have to wear a glittery vest on my job, jackass...
...But I know better...
...Having allotted myself $100 to gamble with for the day, I realized within two minutes that going one-on-one with a dealer means you win or lose at a faster pace than is the case with a table full of players...
...Black," said The Expert...
...In any case, I listened intently as he instructed his friends, who, unlike The Expert, were laying down several hundred dollars with each spin of the wheel...
...I was in Las Vegas with my girlfriend, Carrie, for her cousin's wedding...
...I left that scene feeling vastly superior to these poor fools who had clearly abandoned any ability to reason they had brought with them...
...In terms of actual cash, though, I had precisely $1.08...
...Genius, I know...
Vol. 8 • October 2002 • No. 6
