Parody
Parody From Phil Donahue to the New York Times's Chris Hedges, this year's controversial commencement speakers have been greeted with jeers, catcalls, and stony silence. —News item ...So I...
...Oh, God, there they are...
...Ten, nine, eight, seven—wait, which button is it...
...Wow, this Viagra stuff is amazing...
...Man, there really is nothing like family on a big day...
...Wait, you mean now we have to pay for chlamydia treatments ourselves...
...My mortarboard was made in China, my gown was assembled in Mexico from Malaysian nylon, I'm surrounded by hundreds of new, willing inductees into the international corporate hegemony listening to some rich, white male advise us on how to maximize our oppression and it JUST MAKES ME WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEONE...
...I thought Jay Leno would be funnier than this...
...I start at his company next week...
...OK, there's Dad and his new wife...
...And...over there are Mom and her live-in TaeBo coach...and there's Alison and her partner, next to Wayne and his court-appointed monitor...
...Oh, this one, yeah—six, five...
...The…board…of… re…regents… here…hereby… con…confers… up…on...
...Did he just say "cheesemakers...
...News item ...So I finally get there for the interview, and the guy has on, like, this whole suit thing and is, like, "An hour and a half late—that's not a habit, is it...
...Now how am I supposed to get out of here in a hurry...
...So it'll all be paid off about when it's time to write tuition checks for my own kids...
...Five years of non-stop meth, and I'm still sharp as the day I got here at...at...uh, wait, where is this again...
...Now if I can just figure out how to keep my 300 gigabytes of bootleg MP3s and group-sex MPEGs on the university server...
...But we ended up talking about the paper I did on the Kama Sutra, and he invited me away for the weekend...
...He says I'm, like, a "service-sector natural...
...Let's see: $145,000 in loans plus $130,000 in interest, then $16,000 at 19.5 percent on my VISA and $11,000 on my car...
...I KNEW that mayonnaise had turned...
...I hear the New York Times is hiring...
...Like paying $26,000 a year for six years just buys ’em a ticket to show up whenever they want...
Vol. 8 • June 2003 • No. 37
