Parody

Parody "Network news anchors tackle war coverage." óNews item The Today Show Transcript April 1, 2003 COURIC: Matt, I notice weíre only using F-14s and F-16s in this war. Isnít it time we...

...LAUER: Yes, you see, as one military briefer told me in private, they sneak up disguised as tow trucks, and theyíre so close we canít use our cloaking devices . . . COURIC: Thank you...
...Yes, thereís a lot of talk here in Quitter about the M-1/A-1 Bradley Fighting Apache Vehicle . . . COURIC: You mean we have a vehicle named after a steak sauce...
...COURIC: No, Iím talking about military equipment, Matt...
...Iím using 64 on my nose, but a 16 on my cheeks and the top of my head because I canít get the sunblock through my hair stubble...
...But like I was saying, one of the big surprises for the U.S...
...We just had retired Air Force Admiral Tubby McFaul, and he said we were totally unprepared for the Iraqi RPMs and their ack-ack . . . LAUER: Gesundheit, Katie...
...military is the ease with which the Iraqis have been able to take us out with friendly fire and Triple As...
...I mean, isnít everything falling apart . . . a quagmire . . . Vietnam...
...I mean, Iíve heard that 80 percent of Iraqis are Sunni Muslims, which is a form of sun worship, but the ruling elite are mostly Shiitake . . . LAUER: Exactly, Katie, like the mushrooms...
...COURIC: Doodah...
...That was Matt Lauer in Dooha, Cuttairr...
...LAUER: Doah...
...Isnít it time we pulled out some of the higher numbers...
...COURIC: Triple As...
...LAUER: No, itís Doha, Gutter...
...Thereís been a lot of rethinking...
...Something in the mid-twenties, perhaps, maybe even an F-30 or two...
...Many of the people Iíve spoken to here in Guitar are using 32 or even 64...
...LAUER: Yes, and itís a big problem because as you know cows are sacred in Muslim culture...
...But as I was saying, many people here in Kotter are upset because the Apache name seems insensitive to Native Americans . . . COURIC: Isnít that one of the reasons the Iraqi people hate us, because weíre insensitive to their culture...
...Stay with us...
...LAUER: Absolutely, Katie...
...I mean Doha . . . COURIC: And weíll be right back with National Geographicís Peter Arnett and his favorite recipes using low-fat hummus...

Vol. 8 • April 2003 • No. 29


 
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