All Suited Up and Nowhere to Go
LABASH, MATT
All Suited Up and Nowhere to Go The joys of Kuwait City in wartime BY MATT LABASH Kuwait City MONDAY, MARCH 17—Despite the steady hand and nerves of steel I am exhibiting while filing this...
...An Air Force captain tells me he sees the mandatory teetotaling as a "fitness opportunity...
...A hotel employee rang for a previously requested wake-up call...
...I ask them if they have a staff photographer...
...We have a shortwave radio, a solar battery charger, and alligator clip/jumper cables, in case our laptops run out of juice and a Marine is kind enough to let us charge up off his Humvee battery...
...We bought canteens with nuclear/bio/chemical nozzles, in case we get thirsty in the middle of a sarin attack...
...I rush over to the press center in the hotel and am shocked and awed to find nobody present...
...That, and the phone call I received after the first Scud alarm sounded...
...One newsweekly correspondent suggested sneaking in your amber spirits of choice in a Listerine bottle, and your clear spirits in an Aquafina bottle...
...My Sketch Express snap will have to do...
...It's just as well...
...TUESDAY, MARCH 18—Flying into Kuwait City, one gets the impression one might be headed the wrong way...
...The only soul I encounter in the lobby outside the press center is a Japanese reporter for the Asahi Shimbun newspaper...
...The public affairs officers are dedicated soldiers all, but, lest we forget, they are also government employees...
...Hello, Bush," he greets me, pronouncing "Bush" as "Boooosh...
...THURSDAY, MARCH 20—The United States fires nearly 40 Tomahawk missiles at Baghdad shortly after 4 a.m...
...It turns out to be a needless alarm, one of nine over the next two days, though at least four Scuds do end up getting fired into Kuwait...
...Americans—apparently, we all look the same...
...Maybe," I second, impressed both by his competitive spirit and his conviction that the obliteration of mankind makes for an excellent career opportunity...
...Her brother, after failing to produce the proper identification, was taken into custody and beaten bloody by Iraqi officials before being released...
...All Suited Up and Nowhere to Go The joys of Kuwait City in wartime BY MATT LABASH Kuwait City MONDAY, MARCH 17—Despite the steady hand and nerves of steel I am exhibiting while filing this dispatch from a British Airways cabin, there is nothing easy about shipping off to a war zone...
...As if fresh arrivals are not gambling enough by their very presence, they are encouraged to experience the "Power of Instant Winning" in Kuwait's scratch-off lotto game...
...The customs officials don't seem quite as pressed to in-process newcomers, who they reason will be here for awhile, on account of most airlines' canceling flights...
...Now, as we have reached a cruising altitude of 37,000 feet, somewhere between London and Kuwait City, on what we're told is the last flight in before they stop running civilian routes in anticipation of war, a strange peace has set in...
...Brits are thick on the ground here, walking around with the proprietary vim they often exhibit when visiting a former colony that they believe has gone to seed...
...he says...
...Or there were, until my managing editor gave me a smack, and told me to pull myself together...
...But our bosses argued that everybody was embedding—we'd be better off doing a variety of stories by staying unattached and remaining mobile...
...A suicide bomber might still have a go at our hotel, but if so, its going to be hell on his suspension...
...Kuwait is a country of first-world amenities and third-world efficiency...
...Or are you getting ready for war...
...Nor because I have the chance to possibly document the brave feats of our men and women in uniform, to take a ringside seat for the ultimate spectacle, to witness man in all his glory and depravity...
...I ask him where he's from in Japan...
...Sure, Saddam has gassed the Kurds, invaded Kuwait, and flouted U.N...
...Most of the journalists here are like me—the really good ones are already there...
...While nearly 700 journalists have embedded with troops, an additional 1,500 or so have elected to stay "unilateral," as it is designated in bold red print on our press passes...
...The loudspeakers blast a pan-flute Muzak-y version of "Say You, Say Me...
...Alcohol restrictions aside, stories such as this—in no short supply—are the most sobering reminders of the stakes in this conflict...
...But they offer me a McArabia meal—a grilled chicken sandwich on Arabic flatbread—no small consolation...
...Standing in line, I ask the gentleman in front of me if he too is a journalist...
...The best contact, he says, has likely gone to prison...
...I came equipped with nearly all of these, though my mug shot seems to have disappeared when the airport immigration officials possibly lost it under a stack of paper...
...She was around during the Iraqi invasion of 1990...
...military's psy-ops experts...
...He is crashed on an overstuffed couch, nonchalantly smoking a Marlboro Medium, and he says that the only people he has seen since war kicked off are the janitors and night watchmen...
...As a colleague and I itch to make it to the Thrifty desk before they run out of Mitsubishi Pajeros (the four-wheel-drive vehicle of choice for those planning on making a run to the border, in what journalists are already calling "the 51st state"), we watch an anorexic cat cross the baggage return terminal...
...Ziploc sandwich bag...
...Much of our day, consequently, unfolds in working out logistics...
...Now, he must pay...
...Mister Matt," she said, "Are you sleeping...
...After depositing us around 11 p.m., they told us they were taking an empty plane on a midnight run back to London, so as not to have to spend a night in Kuwait City...
...With my colleague Steve Hayes, I've been outfitted with fleeces and Gore-tex, tight thermal shirts and dry-wick underwear—in case we get close to a firefight and wet ourselves...
...Desperate to obtain a regulation-size photo, I go to the McDonald's upstairs, where all the employees have passport-size photos on their nametags...
...We are awakened by a siren that sounds like a fire engine trucking through our sitting room...
...The Hilton boasts a Starbucks and a Pizza Express...
...There is the authentic local cuisine (Toblerone chocolate and barbecue Pringles) and recreation (a video arcade, where Kuwaiti children play "House of the Dead 2...
...But she'll probably be in Iraq after the Americans conquer it," he says, defeated...
...The airport retailers offer George of the Jungle DVDs, and cosmetics by Christian Dior and Estee Lauder...
...All of this is set off by immigration officials in mismatching uniforms and billowy pants, who seem to misplace our passports for hours at a time, and who are hellbent on delivering us through customs well after our rental car agents have called it a night...
...A sign for the restroom says "Gents toilet"—as if a relic from Kuwait's days as a British protectorate...
...You might get embedded with a unit of high-speed, hooah ground-pounders, or you could be in store for a lot of quotes along the lines of, "We've received the best training and have the best equipment"—the military equivalent of the professional athlete's "We just need to focus" post-game locker room interview...
...It's not my place to question our military strategy, but the "shock and awe" campaign turns out, in its initial stages, to feel more like a cough and spit, so both Hayes and I retire for mid-morning naps...
...As I slip on my mask, I motion for Hayes to tighten it...
...A British journalist tells me a robust black market existed for weeks, but recently, "it seems to have gone to ground...
...The 1st Cav was Robert Duvall's unit in Apocalypse Now—though in this conflict, they are late-deployers who will likely be used for postwar stabilization...
...Then there are the bags...
...The airport aisles are choked with people in a hurry to go somewhere else...
...He just repeats "Ronald Booooosh," confusing U.S...
...and Kuwaiti checkpoints by driving off-road in possible minefields, he risks becoming a victim of friendly fire as much as getting finished off by Iraqi guns...
...Cruise missiles or Celine Dion—it's hard to say which is more deadly...
...This is war— but there's no need to start work before 8 a.m...
...To get both a Kuwaiti press pass and a U.S...
...resolutions, but closing Starbucks...
...We feel pretty ineffectual, watching it on television like commoners, so I make busywork by hopping on a Radio Shack shortwave radio, hoping to catch American broadcasts to the Iraqis, warning them of impending destruction...
...I read in a guidebook that Kuwaitis have a good sense of humor, and Abdullah is no exception...
...All I get, however, is Muslim calls to prayer and the warbling of Celine Dion, the latter of which could be a diabolical trick sponsored by the U.S...
...Which is why many of us have decided to watch the war kick off like the rest of America: by watching CNN...
...I will fully embrace the 1st Cav's fighting spirit just as soon as I check into my hotel room and get ahold of the room service menu...
...That too, is largely my editors' fault...
...I'm just trying to find a way to get to Iraq...
...Hiroshima," he says...
...There are ways around prohibition, of course...
...Shortly after exiting the metal detector, I encounter Abdullah, a security specialist...
...Consequently, he adds, "I haven't had a drink since Friday...
...Others didn't fare so well...
...There is a military saying that states "mask in nine," meaning you are supposed to be wearing your gas mask within nine seconds of becoming aware of a threat...
...It's the full war correspondent's rig: lots of extraneous pouches, zippers, and mesh—everything but the Peter Arnett rake-over...
...We have small bags and big bags: bike messenger pouches, huge backpacks, three-day assault packs, and rolling duffles the size of small coffins...
...For a while, the American and British public affairs officers were running one and two-day stingers out to the field, where you could have the best of both worlds: documenting the military experience, and then coming back to the hotel after a few days to enjoy their world-class mocktails (my favorite: "The Tenderberry: A subtle blend of strawberries, grenadine, double cream, crushed ice, ginger ale and ground ginger...
...News colleague has dubbed "McArabia...
...After we receive the all-clear signal, I make my way over to the hotel, and find that the Starbucks has closed early...
...Walking through the mall, looking for a photo kiosk, I get a full blast of Kuwaiti culture...
...Additionally, Kuwaiti Army security makes drivers exit their vehicles and step into a trailer, where both we and our bags go through a metal detector...
...On CNN, an embedded reporter brings us the latest from his host unit: They've received the best training, and have the best equipment...
...press pass, one must provide a host of documentation: from visas to passports to a letter of introduction from your boss, to a mug shot...
...But considering our place is decorated/littered in the bachelor-pad baroque style—our gas masks and chem suits have to be dug out from under several layers of scattered clothes and discarded food containers...
...She's in Kuwait City, I correct him...
...Remaining mobile...
...He does so, and pulls one of the straps clean off (an MSA Millennium brand gas mask—in a deserved piece of free publicity...
...We have body armor and Kevlar vests...
...One of us could have accepted a permanent embedding assignment with the Army's 1st Cavalry Division...
...There are the tearful goodbyes, the intimations of doom, the begging and pleading not to go...
...There are many reasons for such a decision—self-preservation, cowardice—but one of the most oft-cited excuses for remaining solo is that when you embed, you are totally dependent, journalistically, on the same subject...
...Wednesday, march 19—Not to belabor the point, but among journalists, the booze quandary comes up in every fourth conversation...
...As I make my way back to the Hilton, I am stopped by security after navigating a series of speed bumps, sand moguls, and elevated metal plates...
...He saunters up, hops onto the conveyor belt, and disappears through the rubber fringe, beneath a sign that warns, "Please don't sit or stand on the conveyor...
...The Iraqis brought him back home, and as his family received him, hugging him in the doorway, the Iraqis pulled him aside and shot him in the head—right in front of his family...
...I set off for "Kuwait Magic"—a nearby strip mall that is indeed magical, coming complete with faux mosaic tile, faux rocks, and all manner of cartoon Arabian decor that stops just short of an animated grinning genie...
...If North Korea fires off a nuke, maybe I'll win...
...Instead of a regulation-size passport photo, they snap an 8x10 printout that makes me look like a cross between one of the dimmer Gotti brothers and a Serbian war criminal...
...They shut down the whole northern third of Kuwait, meaning that if a unilateral wants to jump the border on the off chance he can circumnavigate U.S...
...Due to host nation sensitivities, I'm not saying whether I followed his counsel...
...They don't...
...The closest thing to command and journalism central in Kuwait City is the Hilton Resort, a five-star abode that abuts the Persian Gulf, and an ideal Americanized refuge in what a U.S...
...It is intended to warn us of possible incoming Scuds from Iraq...
...I play along, adopting a Crawford, Texas, accent and asking him if he is part of the coalition of the willing...
...We both scramble to find our gas masks and chem suits...
...When I ask him if there's any bathtub gin operation, as has been rumored, he says, "Ask the Brits, they always seem to know about these things...
...There is as much anger as there is fright in the halls of the Hilton Resorts, but fright wins the day when another alarm sounds, and all of us make for a sweltering basement shelter...
...That was five days ago, so this is no laughing matter in British newsgathering circles...
...I love the smell of bacon in the morning...
...But to make it a true Saigon-worthy war correspondent's hangout, it is lacking one vital element: booze...
...Kuwait is a dry country, and consequently, many suggest that after we liberate Iraq, instead of marching on to Iran or North Korea, we might want to turn our attention back to Kuwait...
...We have red-light flashlights, glow sticks, and headlamps...
...You are a slave to the disposition of the troops you are stuck with, or as the troops would likely put it, who are stuck with you...
...But the press office has suspended this practice, in anticipation of troop movement and war...
...Nothing," he says, helpfully...
...Taking my place in one of the white plastic lawn chairs that have been set out for such occasions, I fall into conversation with a Kuwaiti International Media press official, Sarah Al-Deyyain, for whom this is old home week...
...No, the reason I am happy to be headed for a country that the State Department has advised the rest of the world to steer clear of is that I have soaked the company for so much gear that I want to be long gone when my expense reports are filed...
...Such is your lot, I tell them, when you have a really bad case of gingivitis...
...Another good friend of hers had a relative who was snatched by Saddam's forces...
...We have helmets with desert camo covers that make us look like Middle Eastern versions of Michael Dukakis...
...Mask in 3:09 was closer to the truth, as we bump around like silent movie comedians, trying to shake off our dead sleeps while remembering how to properly suit up...
...No worries, however...
...It's a fair point—he's not wearing cargo shorts and dark socks, as is local media custom...
...Even our British Airways crew is intent on making scarce...
...Suffice it to say, the cleaning ladies look askance when I finish the day with a nice tall glass of Listerine Antiseptic...
...Do I look like a journalist...
...If she goes to Japan, I'm sure I can beat her out, but in an away game like this...
...He has been in Kuwait for a week, and I ask him what is the most interesting thing that has happened thus far...
...Their son was in Iraqi custody," she says, "then his family got a call that he was being released...
...We bought chem suits and back-up chem suits—^JSList military-style, Tyvek (which resembles a lawn tarp)—and see-through plastic suits, which make you look as if you've been stuffed into a giant Matt Labash a senior writer at The Weekly Standard...
...I have so many bags, I need a coolie just to help me get off the Heathrow shuttle...
...Like Chris-tiane Amanpour...
...At its various high-end retail emporiums, you can buy boutique items like gourmet kitchen knives, tweezers with an attached magnifying glass, and honeysuckle foaming bath gel with myrrh extract—a necessity for any war...
...He doesn't seem to get it...
...To be honest, it all might be a bit excessive, considering our base of operations is going to be a Hilton Resort on the Persian Gulf...
...presidents...
...Not because I have signed on for what could be a memorable adventure...
...We bought Leatherman multi-tools (in case we need to open a bottle of wine or cut the tags off our new clothes...
...I am told I must find a local place that takes passport photos...
...As I write this, I am wearing enough pockets to hold the entire 3rd Infantry Division's gum and car keys for the war's duration...
...Until then, Scotch, he says, was going for about 150 bucks a bottle...
...Later, in the business center, which boasts high-speed DSL connections even though you are only able to place international calls on every fifth attempt, I do just that...
...He looks hurt...
...I finally find a photo booth at "Sketch Express," where a trio of giggly Kuwaiti girls take my picture, frowning when I offer dollars in place of Kuwaiti dinars, and then refusing payment...
Vol. 8 • March 2003 • No. 28
