Parody

Not a Parody The following is an e-mail circulating in the military community: French Military History in a Nutshell GaLLic Wars - Lost. In a war whose outcome foreshadows the next 2,000 years...

...War in Indochina - Lost...
...Italian Wars - Lost...
...In a war whose outcome foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, Fi conquered by, of all things, an Italian...
...War of the Spanish Succession - Lost...
...Francophiles the world over label the period the height of French military power...
...Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her...
...France is saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently gi to the First Rule of French Warfare: France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman...
...Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they fi'nish learning the Horst Wessel Song...
...This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos...
...World War II - Lost...
...Franco-Prussian War - Lost...
...who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer...
...Post script: Did you hear they canceled the fireworks at Euro-Disney...
...Hundred Years War - Mostly lost...
...The French kept surrendering...
...Temporary v'ctories due to leadership of a Corsican (remember the First Rule...
...The War also gave the French their fi'rst taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since...
...Napoleonic Wars - Lost...
...War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie...
...This marks the first defeat of a Western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: We can always beat the French...
...War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe...
...Algerian Rebellion - Lost...
...This is later known as the "de Gaulle syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: France wins only when America does most of the fi'ghting...
...World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States...
...French Revolution - Won, primarily because the opponent was also French...
...France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians Wars of Religion - France goes 1-5-4 against the Huguenots...
...American Revolution - France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action...
...Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway...

Vol. 8 • February 2003 • No. 23


 
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