The Upside of the Down Market
O'ROURKE, P. J.
The Upside of the Down Market Corporate corruption has its advantages. BY P.J. O'ROURKE CORPORATE CORRUPTION endangers everything in which we have, over the past many years, invested our time,...
...Now accountants are considered cute—by their fellow prison inmates...
...potentially, our own sex lives also are improved...
...Numerous senior executives' trophy wives will soon be running around unattached...
...plus, corporate corruption is no necessary impediment to making money...
...Democrats are an important part of the Washington ecosystem...
...it's helping to preserve that species known as Democrats— thought to be endangered as recently as the year 2000...
...Thanks to the peculations of the past few months, i've realized that, in the capitalist market system, i can add value, too...
...in this period of gloom— with liberals seeking to make hay from capitalist foibles and our own capitalist foibles reduced in value to bales of ditto—it behooves us to look for a moment at the bright side of corporate corruption...
...if we'll screw our own grandmothers in the stock market, God knows what we'll do to them...
...O'Rourke is author, most recently, of The CEO of the Sofa...
...Corporate corruption is saving us money...
...Corporate corruption has ecological merits...
...And our 401(k) plans aren't doing so well either...
...Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, and so forth allow us Republicans to say to America's young people, "We be thugs...
...However much we've lost on the NYSE and NASDAQ, we'll more than make it up in lower entertainment and redecorating costs when Martha Stewart goes to jail...
...Bean counters were previously thought to be drab and unattractive creatures...
...The GOP may capture the youth vote at last...
...If you can get your wife's cousin to short your stock the moment you're served with a subpoena...
...One last cheering thought: Corporate corruption gives al Qaeda, Hezbollah, and other Muslim radicals second thoughts about messing with the united States...
...This is my one objection to capitalism...
...Finally, corporate corruption has brought me hope about my own professional career...
...And there's more...
...The subculture of felons is in great vogue among adolescents...
...We wouldn't have stood a chance with these Contributing editor P.J...
...When pharmaceutical company CEOs get together on the golf course to fix prices on prescription drugs, they're indicted...
...Auditing scandals will no doubt improve the sex lives of accountants...
...i am a capitalist...
...But i don't have any value to add...
...That is, assuming there's any corruption...
...women before the legal bills arrived and the skinny blondes got poor...
...Gangsta Rap" is very popular with today's teens, as is dressing in prison garb and acting and speaking as if one belonged to the Crips, the Bloods, or some other criminal organization...
...However, besides being a capitalist, i'm a journalist, so i do know how to lie...
...We of the bloodthirsty right-wing press would be forced to rely for our prey solely on John McCain...
...it may be semantics...
...However, if corporate corruption does exist, it has benefits as well as liabilities...
...Suddenly our kids think we're hip...
...Capitalism is all about adding value...
...When senators and representatives get together in Congress to fix prices on prescription drugs, they're national heroes...
...Extinction of Democrats would lead to serious disruption in the food chain...
...O'ROURKE CORPORATE CORRUPTION endangers everything in which we have, over the past many years, invested our time, effort, and money—particularly Republican control of the House of Representatives...
Vol. 7 • August 2002 • No. 45
