Parody
Parody Authorities find a letter written by Osama bin Laden last December. —News Item December 2001 Dear Friends, Family, and Colleagues, Wow! It’s that time of year again. It seems like just a...
...As Allah says, time sure does fly...
...Not so much time traveling and organizing massacres of members of the Indian parliament, more time spent with the wives and kids...
...As for Musa, she announced she wanted to transfer to Smith College, so we stoned her to death...
...She made the neighborhood Tap and Spirit Dance Squad—the Radio City Iraqettes—but we had to pull her out of school after we caught her learning to read...
...One of the things I’m really going to try to do next year is downscale my life...
...And his science project, “Our Friend, Anthrax,” won third place in the school Discovery Fair...
...He was named to the Kandahar All-Clan Lacrosse Team, which won regionals after the rival team was killed in factional fighting the week before the championship game...
...She didn’t kill any Jews, but we were proud anyway...
...With him it’s always nag, nag, nag...
...What a long strange trip it’s been...
...We’ve had some downer moments this year...
...I’ve got great plans to upgrade our computer network...
...Meanwhile, darling Yastifa proved to be the raucous little fireball we always knew she was...
...The whole experience reminds me how important it is to radiate positive energy...
...Aside from getting into Stanford, Abdul graduated with honors from The Little Red Madrassa, which is a progressive Muslim school in which students are taught to make bombs that destroy people and shopping centers but not trees...
...Work continues to provide challenges...
...Around September, I became the most reviled mass murderer on the face of the earth...
...As you may know, almost all of my colleagues have been killed by laser-guided munitions and I’m forced to hide in a cave with an imbecilic one-eyed mullah with body odor...
...Then in August she blew herself up while trying to sneak into Israel from Lebanon...
...Regrets, regrets, regrets: “I used to run this country,” he says, “Now I’m eating camel fur soup in a wet rock pit with bats...
...We are pumped...
...After all, nobody went to their grave saying, “I wish I’d spent more time blowing up Zionist entities...
...On the other hand, in May we learned that Abdul was accepted into Stanford...
...Go Spartans...
...Well, actually they do say that, but never mind The kids are just great...
...It seems like just a few months ago I was writing my last annual Holiday Season letter...
Vol. 7 • July 2002 • No. 42
