Parody
Parody The President's Address to Congress, September 20, 2001 (as amended to take into account policy changes following Secretary Powell's trip to the Middle East). Revised Text Tonight we are a...
...Freedom and fear are at war—and we must therefore ask the terrorists to renounce terror...
...We will pursue nations that provide aid or safe haven to terrorism, except for Palestine, Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and any member of the Arab League...
...If the United States does launch a campaign against the infrastructure of terror, we shall pull out after four days, or sooner if the government of France asks us to...
...Revised Text Tonight we are a country awakened to danger and called to defend freedom...
...I declare to you, and to the world, and to Osama bin Laden, America shall not contribute further to a cycle of violence...
...The answer is that to go in and try to seek out the terror organizations would be Not Helpful...
...If they do not do so, we must insist that they renounce terror...
...We shall be careful not to destroy the roads, buildings, or police stations of Afghanistan, for this might upset the Belgians...
...Great harm has been done to us...
...Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists...
...If you are with us, we ask that you impose trade sanctions on us if you think we are too aggressive in combating terror...
...Americans are asking: How will we fight and win this war against terrorism...
...Every nation, in every region, now has a decision to make...
...One turned to the rest and declared, ""If we can only get from Zinni to Tenet, that may lead to Mitchell and back to Oslo...
...And if we bombed the Taliban, and destroyed their infrastructure, how would they have the resources to crack down on the terrorists...
...God bless you and God bless America...
...If you are with the terrorists, we will dispatch the vice president and the secretary of state and they will ask you to meet with them...
...We have suffered great loss...
...And if they do not do so after that, we must compromise with them and give them what they want...
...I think we can all be guided by the heroic words of the passengers of Flight 93 before they rushed their murderers...
...Americans should not expect to see a lengthy campaign...
...After all, to attack al Qaeda directly would be merely to anger them, and provoke further terrorist attacks...
...Our grief has turned to anger, and anger to resolution, and resolution to a firmer commitment to a set of prolonged negotiations and codicils, which will put us on the glide path to a resumption of the negotiating process...
...And in our grief and anger we have found our mission and our moment...
...And if they still do not do so, we must speak to them in a really grave voice...
...Let's Roll...
Vol. 7 • April 2002 • No. 31
