Casual
LABASH, MATT
Casual JESUS CHRIST, SOCCER STAR The first time I recall seeing Jesus, I was in Mrs. Schlaeger's K-4 class at Mt. Olive Lutheran School. My family wasn't Lutheran, but they decided I could pass....
...With velcro stuck to his back, Jesus would meet up with Zacchaeus, Mary Magdalene, all the regulars...
...As if Catholics don't have enough PR problems these days, someone has elected to sell inspirational Jesus Sport Statues...
...I refuse to snicker when people stamp his likeness on hot-air balloons, poker chips, or as one Venezuelan artist did, on 70 slices of Texas toast...
...The statues are not...
...Several years later, my parents left the Catholic and Russian Orthodox churches of their upbringing in order to enlist as low-church Protestants...
...But I still have confidence that the real Jesus will escape with his reputation intact...
...At first, I thought it was Brett Favre," said my Milwaukee-bred colleague, mimicking the woman in a honking 'Sconi accent...
...There's Jesus officiating at a karate match...
...That applies whether Jesus is multiplying loaves and fishes, or blasting the second baseman into center field, breaking up the double play...
...Inside, however, I was a frightened child...
...Will the next Basketball Jesus throw metal folding chairs across the court...
...Instead, he looks about a half-second away from drawing the sack, but he still has the presence of mind to dump the ball off to his fullback (the benefits of omniscience...
...Will Boxing Jesus munch off a hunk of his opponent's ear, then restore it, as Jesus restored a cut-off ear at Gethsemane...
...In every setting, Jesus wears his standard rig (white robe, Nazarene flip-flops), except when playing hockey...
...The Man of Sorrows is featured in hand-painted resin, running track, skiing, even biking and rollerblading, in order to show that he is a "friend in everyday activities...
...There's Jesus modestly dribbling a soccer ball, doubtless holding back on his deadly bicycle kick...
...It brought me great solace...
...Even underneath all that facial hair, he didn't look like a swarthy Mediterranean, but rather patrician, WASPy—as if he'd prepped at Groton, taken a wrong turn, then joined up with the Pagans motorcycle gang...
...And Baseball Jesus has his arms instructively wrapped around a batter who has an incorrect stance, but who will likely have little trouble laying heavy lumber with the carpenter's carpenter at his back...
...Here, they weren't too big on Jesus icons, except in junior church, where my teacher would illustrate Bible stories on flannel-graph...
...I made miracles out of Tinkertoys, and cut a dashing figure in Captain Kirk shirts and dingo boots...
...Basketball Jesus appears to be a terror on the boards...
...Jesus is stuck with a rope belt—but one suspects he could still wipe the floor with them...
...He had none of Caravag-gio's gloominess, and none of Picasso's absurdity (Pablo made him a bullfighter...
...All of them feature Jesus playing sports with tow-headed youngsters...
...Up with potluck...
...Even in a white frock, blue sash, and open-toed shoes, this Jesus looked hale and hearty, like Dan Haggerty as Grizzly Adams—minus 50 pounds and the friendly bear...
...One might expect Football Jesus to be reenacting the Immaculate Reception or, as the song says, drop-kicking someone through the goalposts of life...
...Jesus was staring into the distance, as if he'd just spotted tranquility over the horizon...
...This was probably my favorite depiction of him...
...Down with smells 'n' bells...
...Neither do I mock those who claim to spot Jesus' face unexpectedly, on a halibut egg, on a charred tortilla, or as one Wisconsin woman recently reported, in the trunk of her backyard tree...
...When the teacher assigned impossible tasks such as spelling our first names, I panicked, wishing myself back home on the couch, watching Mike Douglas with my mom...
...The point is well taken...
...The obvious problem with over-familiarizing the divine is, where does it all end...
...As the Book of Hebrews says, it's one of his better qualities that regardless of passing fashions, he remains the same "yesterday, today, and forever...
...But every man has his limit, and mine was crossed when someone sent me a link to catholicshopper.com...
...It was then that I first noticed him, framed in some sort of gauzy glamour shot, hanging alongside the American flag...
...The portrait was a knockoff of Warner Sall-man's "Head of Christ...
...On the ice, even he might go down like a sack of wet cement if he wasn't fitted with rocker blades...
...One can easily visualize Sports Jesuses becoming the next must-have ironic tchotchkes, like snowglobes or Chairman Mao refrigerator magnets...
...As a preschooler, I did my best impression of being a cool customer...
...MATT LABASH...
...The kids have pink belts and blue belts...
...All this is to say that I have a pretty high tolerance for Jesus iconography...
Vol. 7 • April 2002 • No. 31
