Parody
Parody Olympic Committee to Revolutionize Games "Distractions" to be Cleared Away SALT LAKE CITY — Re- g sponding to criticism that the tn Olympic movement has l°st its " way, the International...
...Following the ritual walkout - by the Russian team, Barbara e Walters will emerge to present an Please see COVER STORY...
...There's n he even an event in Sullen Wit drawal...
...We dream of a games in which every single competitor is a brain tumor survivor, or cancer at the very least," said one IOC official...
...New events will include "Most Inspiring Tale Following the Death of a Close Relative," "Most Alluring Display of Innocent Enthusiasm Suitable for Marketing Tie-In Campaigns," "Brushes with Amputation," "Downhill Weeping," "Most Bogus Job at Home Depot" and "Ability to Tear Up On Camera L (short program and freestyle...
...This will be followed by the quadrennial "Wheeling Jim McKay Out of Obscurity" ceremony to the accompaniment of overarticulate . commentary from Bob Costas...
...The Oprahlympics still will have some events, on the grounds that without competitions there'd be no resulte left to rig...
...Parody Olympic Committee to Revolutionize Games "Distractions" to be Cleared Away SALT LAKE CITY — Re- g sponding to criticism that the tn Olympic movement has l°st its " way, the International Olympic " Committee announce today tj that future games will be pared down to their essentiak "This is c a back to basics movement," said J outgoing IOC president Jean- Marie Samaranch Habermas Olathabal...
...From now on, almost J all athletic competitions will be eliminated so that the television networks can devote their full attention to compelling human interest stories...
...Efforts by Norway to challeng Lg the changes are expected to fai to "It's not our fault we don't hav es emotions," said Dirg Aaaard in varsvolenimun, reflecting on th Norwegian team's dim chanc ill in this new format...
...Incoming IOC chairman Tina Brown said she does want to preserve some of the old events n "But only the ones that are no s really sports, like the skateboard r thing on snow in the tunnel, an C sledding in tight costumes...
...Then, after a concert from a recovering heroin addict and the Visa Card Moment of Silence for the Victims of Low Self-Esteem, the Oprahlympic torch will be brought in by a Formerly Famous Person Who is Now Extremely Sick...
...By doing away with events such as skiing, skating and luging, we no longer have to hold the pageants at cold places full of Mormons, which is an added bonus...
...The new opening ceremonies will begin with the Parade of the Chemo Patients, with thousands of sick people from around the world rolled into a massive stadium on the roofs of Chevy Suburbans, thus demonstrating their quiet ride and surprisingly good gas mileage...
Vol. 7 • March 2002 • No. 24
