Parody
Parody . . . URGENT AP BULLETIN . . . Canada Declares War On "Axis of Evil" The government of Canada declared war on Russia, Poland, China, Ukraine, and France this evening. "C'est la guerre!...
...We declare war on those countries too...
...The Canadian armed forces are girding for war, with Special Forces units planning to sneak into Russia and hold candlelight vigils until units from the Red Army begin to feel so guilty that they surrender...
...The Evil Ones seek to take away our gold medals, but the Evil Ones will not triumph...
...If I met the Russian judge at a party, I would say hello, but it would be a frosty hello, I can assure you...
...President Bush announced, widening what his advisers call Stage III in the war on terrorism to include ice skating judges, dog show administrators, surly convenience store clerks, and anybody else who might someday hurt somebody's feelings...
...The Canadian psyche has been transformed by the events of 2/12...
...the prime minister continued...
...The editors of The Weekly Standard magazine, delighted finally to find a nation willing to declare war on China, have relocated to Vancouver...
...The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has rallied national opinion: "As Gunnar Myrdal observed, if justice is denied to bouncy, small women and men of dubious heterosexuality in tight-fitting pants, then justice is in peril for the whole world...
...declared Canadian premier Jean/John Chrétien, naming the host countries of the judges who denied Canadian skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier a gold medal in the Olympic figure skating pairs competition...
...In the United States, though, the Bush administration was quick to support its northern neighbor...
...And anybody else you care to name...
...In the 5.8 score that the Ukrainian judge gave to our skaters for what was clearly a 5.9-worthy double-axel-triple-kowtow combination, we have found our mission and our moment...
...vowed a longtime Ottawan...
...It's war...
...A peaceful, contented country has become a vigilant, vengeful one...
...Other Canadians have been whipped into a frenzy of blood lust...
...In a stirring display of Canadian solidarity, the citizens of Quebec vowed to place a 15-day moratorium on their efforts to secede...
...European nations, meanwhile, have been alarmed by the simplistic Canadian reaction...
...Perhaps the Canadian score could be adjusted to a 5.85, and some sort of gold and silver alloy metal could be created," a German diplomat suggested...
...I plan on writing a really stern letter to the editor of the Globe and Mail," one outraged Toronto resident declared...
...The country has been united by the trauma as never before, with many Canadians putting Unité/Unity bumper stickers on the backs of their cars...
Vol. 7 • February 2002 • No. 23
