Casual

...That way, the lady who helps clean said house won't have to work there without an unemployment safety net—because there won't be a "there" for her to work in the first place...

...Boy, were you guys nice about this...

...State law requires that a persuasive rationale for this program be kept permanently on file in your office, where . . . well, we've been over that already, haven't we...

...Informal research I've conducted in the neighborhood confirms this hunch...

...First you let months and months go by, totally ignoring the matter...

...Top of the world, Ma...

...Occasionally—such is the mind of the habitual law-abider—I've even waited until after the due date, just to get you thinking it was finally time to seize and sell my house, only to dash your hopes by sending in the full $3.50, plus a $35.00 penalty, plus interest...

...Once upon a time I would have thought it relevant to mention that the check I sent you for that quarter actually cleared my bank some time ago...

...Shouldn't you come seize and sell my house immediately, while you're still confident of its location...

...That seems a reasonable plan to me, though I must say I wonder about the January 25 deadline, which is almost a week away...

...Sincerely, DAVID TELL...

...Where, entre nous, nobody can ever find anything...

...Says here in your Notification that I am delinquent with my unemployment-fund contribution for the third quarter of last year...

...You'd best send the sheriff, pronto...

...Clearly I am a danger to the community...

...Better yet, you need to keep this tax a secret, even as I'm begging you to tell me about it, thereby guaranteeing that I will fail to pay, thereby giving the sheriff cause to seize and sell my house...

...Also, I've noticed that whenever I bring up the Maryland Unemployment Insurance Fund, people invariably get all nervous and change the subject, as if I'd exposed myself or something...

...Hundreds of families around here have cleaning ladies like ours...

...Several years back, I conducted a major phone and letter campaign to alert the State of Maryland that there was this nice lady who'd begun helping us clean the house, and here was her name and Social Security number, and this was how much money we were giving her, and would you please tell me what taxes I'm supposed to pay, and so on...

...Best of all, because I won't have "fired" her, your office won't have to pay her a dime, am I right...

...So let's talk turkey, shall we...

...Fact is, you probably should have contacted him a long time ago...

...But nobody else pays even a fraction what we do...

...Then, after this grace period had ended, you were kind enough to send me a personalized form letter explaining that, because months and months had gone by during which I'd never once made a contribution to the "Maryland Unemployment Insurance Fund," the sheriff would soon be coming to seize and sell my house...

...And speaking of the piano, would now be a good time to ask you about unemployment insurance for the music teacher who comes over on Saturdays...

...Incidentally, will he be seizing the house and its contents, or just the house...

...As I say, this seems a reasonable plan to me...

...I've completed the two hours of paperwork necessary to pay every last one of those $3.50 quarterly tax bills...

...I mean, by January 25 a man could easily box up a house like mine, truck it to Baltimore, and reassemble it right in your office...

...At least, that always used to be my attitude...

...You should have carried through on it when you first had a chance...

...And we both know I've been taking shameless advantage of you ever since...

...I'd really like to keep the piano, for example...

...Instead, you let me slide...

...But such are the petty concerns of yesterday, and for now I am concentrating on the deeper truth suggested by your otherwise laughable complaint...

...And since, as the document you've sent me points out, I'm currently paying this woman an annual salary of $133,333.20 for six hours of work each week, the stakes are obviously very high: You need all the $3.50 contributions you can get...

...So I can only guess, but I figure it this way: If I pay approximately $3.50 to the unemployment insurance fund four times a year, your office, should I ever fire the cleaning lady, will step in and replace the wages she's lost...

...To wit: Any man, like me, who pays his Sunday-afternoon housekeeper $133,333.20 a year belongs in a lunatic asylum, not left free to roam the streets of Bethesda...

...My advice: Contact the sheriff today...

...Casual AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MARYLAND OFFICE OF UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE Dear Sirs: Thank you for your recent "Notification of Assessment and Pending Civil Action" wherein I am informed that unless I make good a $3.53 tax debt by January 25, the State of Maryland will send "the sheriff" to seize my house and sell it "at [my] expense...

...Or would you prefer to wait until we find a new place to live...

...But lately—I don't know, maybe I'm getting old—the thrill is gone...

...Please advise...