Parody
Parody Weather Today: Rain early, some sun later,High 50 Low32. Saturday Partty sunny. High 46. Low 34. Delate, Page B10 The Wa Apocalypse for Republicans! Enron Scandal Spells Doom BY...
...In the Senate, Tom Daschle announced the creation of 437 committees that will investigate the Enron situation...
...This is bigger than Whitewater...
...David Boies and Robert Bennett were called into action...
...Since everyone knows that Republicans are scumbags, any evidence to the contrary is subterfuge...
...Waxman added...
...another declared...
...They wouldn’t look this innocent unless they were really guilty,” Bob Herbert devastatingly noted...
...Bigger than Watergate . . . the French Revolution . . . Noah’s flood...
...Attack...
...We will not be going off on a witch hunt,” Daschle calmly assured reporters, “We will be going off on a super-de-dooper-megamondo witch roast extraordinaire...
...Enron Scandal Spells Doom BY MIKE ALLEN Wasbmston Post Staff Writer California congressman Henry Waxman announced today that he has decided not to let the absence of any Bush administration wrongdoing stop him from going into a foaming at the mouth rage over the Enron scandal...
...What did he know and when did he know it...
...Attack...
...one asked...
...Attack...
...This fueled media suspicions and led key congressional Democrats to call for a special counsel...
...New York Times reporter Jeff Gerth was unleashed...
...President Bush was unavailable for comment...
...Political reporters, cast into the shadows by the war, were put in a state of full arousal—exuding enough musk-odored body fumes to kill germs within a 25-mile radius...
...At Waxman’s signal the entire Washington scandal network, which lies dormant while waiting for such moments, was placed on full Defcon 5 status...
...Congressional investigations were announced...
...Talk show hosts Greta, Chris, Wolf and The Factor were ordered to double their caffeine intake...
...The scandal centers around a series of phone calls that Enron CEO Ken Lay placed to cabinet secretaries Paul O’Neill and Don Evans, during which he may have implied that he could use a little help in forestalling bankruptcy...
...O’Neill and Evans, astonishingly, refused to give special treatment to a donor...
...This scandal is too important and too much fun to call off simply because the Bush administration behaved correctly,” he added...
...I am outraged that Republicans exist...
Vol. 7 • January 2002 • No. 18
