Parody
Parody New York Times columnist Anthony Lewis has retired. After 50 years in journalism, he says he has learned that sometimes "human beings don't get along," which is "very disappointing." Lewis...
...John Stufflebeem reported that the planes had met minimal resistance and had struck all their intended targets...
...In public, most of the ka» tance and had struck all their mtended COin^ ail ing warlOTds in this "Northwest targets...
...After hesitating for Rumsfeld calls the destruction of China’s embassy an “unfortunate error...
...Does your president understand this...
...St ooffNiaVly ' called "thw Jurfice Dr«^ soioss for dUeThe certainty movement's insis-Department's spiritual capital," a two- December 2001...
...Aiter hesitating t°r ^ °n the importance of fixed princi-block complex of bmldings al°ng - ple continUes to be regarded as blasPennsylvania Avenue, this city's ma]°r f 11 +Ue phemy by certain native tribes—the thoroughfare...
...In public, most of the leading warlords in this “Northwest Alliance” say they continue to support the Bush administration’s efforts to expel John Ashcroft and his ilk from their homeland...
...ground troops...
...Ashcroft Remains Defiant By ERIC SCHMITT WASHINGTON, Dec...
...Stufflebeem said a preliminary assessment indicated that this latest raid had “seriously degraded the Justice Department’s ability to make up its mind about stuff...
...Complicating administration efforts to paint the air campaign as a success, however, was fresh evidence that Attorney General John Ashcroft, the Pentagon’s ultimate target, remains very much alive—and firmly committed to the importance of firm commitments...
...I am sure that I am right about this,” the grainy, amateurish videotape shows Ashcroft telling an admiring, red-vested visitor, identified only as a much-feared Washington mullah who fashions himself the “Prince of Darkness...
...John Ashcroft’s role as a ringleader in the certainty movement was first reported by former New York Times columnist Anthony Lewis in December 2001...
...But at least a few tribal chieftains are beginning to grumble that the Pentagon has little to show for its efforts to date...
...Administration's efforts to raid had "seriously degraded the Justice expel John Ashcroft and his ilk from Some American analysts, especially on the political right, already call the air war a “failure,” and say it is past time for the Pentagon to send in U.S...
...News item THE NEW YORK TIMES NATIONAL TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2002 A19 U.S...
...Warplanes Hammer Downtown Washington...
...It is not clear what the Pentagon will do if snow arrives before Ashcroft’s Justice Department loyalists are subdued...
...Weather forecasters say the Washington area will soon see its first light snowfall, a signal for one of the most sacred local rituals, in which tradition-minded men and women slow their automobiles to a crawl and gesticulate wildly from their driver’s seats...
...Sensitive to allegations that they are making war not just against the Ashcroft Justice Department but against Washingtonians generally, Pentagon planners had hoped to have their air campaign wrapped up early, before the region’s mid-winter religious observances got underway...
...With all these bombs going off, it’s almost impossible to catch a cab to the Palm,” complained Jack Quinn, who, like many Washingtonians, goes by both a first and last name...
...Certainty” is the English language word for a militant doctrine glorifying the application of logic or other forms of intelligence to the solution of worldly problems...
...The certainty movement’s insistence on the importance of fixed principle continues to be regarded as blasphemy by certain native tribes—the criminal defense attorneys and corporate lobbyists who centuries ago conquered Washington’s K Street corridor, for example...
...Speaking off the record, White House aides admit that the longer Ashcroft remains at large, the more politically difficult their current strategy becomes...
...Rumsield calls the criminal defense attorneys and corpo-At a subsequent Pentagon tatag f rate lobbyists who centuries ago conRear Adm...
...several months, President Bush later acknowledged that certainty is “the enemy of decency and humanity,” and expressed regret that he had failed to consider this fact when deciding whom to appoint to his cabinet...
...That now seems unlikely...
...John Stufflebeem reported destruction °I quered Washington's K Street corridor, that the planes had mri m™^ rUina's an for example...
...Face it,” urges William Kris...
...Lewis attributes the persistence of such conflict to "certainty," which is "the enemy of decency and humanity in people who are sure they are right, like Osama bin Laden and John Ashcroft...
...9 — The war against certainty President George W. Bush vowed to wage three weeks ago reached a new level of intensity today as American aircraft carriers anchored in the Chesapeake Bay sent waves of Navy jets to bomb what military officials called “the Justice Department’s spiritual capital,” a twoblock complex of buildings along Pennsylvania Avenue, this city’s major thoroughfare...
...CNN, a low-budget cable television network favored by enemies of the United States, broadcast a new interview with Ashcroft late this evening...
...In it, he proclaims that “man’s capacity to achieve certainty through reason and moral reflection is a gift of God...
...Collateral damage from errant ordnance is especially worrisome, one well-known warlord said today...
...At a subsequent Pentagon briefing, Rear Adm...
...Stufflebeem said a ^drnmary <c error " Alliance" say they continue to support assessment indicated that S°is latest um°riuildlC Cliui...
Vol. 7 • December 2001 • No. 16
