Casual
LABASH, MATT
Casual OSAMA'S UNDERPANTS American journalists typically regard their British counterparts with a mixture of pity and disdain. Fleet Streeters, so the stereotype goes, tend to be thieving,...
...I hate to admit it, but he was right...
...We expected it to be behind police tape, but there was the Piper Archer Atta had rented, front and center for everyone's perusal...
...The best story, however, belongs to the Independent's Richard Lloyd Parry...
...I asked...
...How he knew these belonged to bin Laden was beside the point (remember, Parry is British...
...While I panicked, Ron slept serenely, face-down in a puddle of drool...
...What did she think I was— British or something...
...Then I'd look over at Ron...
...As our teacher would prattle on about bisectors and vertices (maybe it was geometry, I wasn't really listening), my senses would shut down and my throat would close up...
...You don't even work here," I replied...
...He went straight to the bathroom of Osama bin Laden's abandoned compound, where bin Laden's underpants ("striped gray and black cotton boxers, with a label reading Angelo Petrico, size XXL") were hanging on a rack...
...She assented, and as Rob rang up my purchase, I couldn't help but feel scummy...
...But sitting there, I had an irrepressible urge to take something...
...This always made me feel better...
...He was failing worse than I was, but he didn't let that get in the way of a good siesta...
...Not tonight," Rob said, "it's already too dark...
...Last month, while on assignment in Florida, I happened by the Palm Beach Flight Training center at the County Park Airport in Lantana...
...I had never understood the murderabil-ia market until that moment— why would anyone want the clown paintings of John Wayne Gacy or the nail clippings of serial killer Roy Norris...
...Scummier still when I asked for a certificate of authenticity should I decide to flip the checklist on eBay...
...He had no choice but to nick them as "a souvenir from a place full of more sinister and deadly objects...
...Not Parry...
...Look at that," said Paco, as if announcing a new theme park attraction, "the Terrorist Plane...
...Can we go for a ride...
...Absolutely not, I said, leaving in a huff...
...After the Taliban evacuated Jalalabad, journalists swept in, looking for all manner of munitions and weapons manuals...
...Consequently, the most readable Afghanistan coverage by far belongs to the Brits...
...I climbed through the hatch and slid into the cockpit...
...So I did: the laminated flight-safety checklist...
...But I actually think this is unfair...
...No," Rob replied, "She wants to know if you'd like to buy Atta's rental agreement for 500 bucks...
...After reading this story, I realized why I have a soft spot for my British colleagues...
...On occasion, these details even happen to be true...
...Where else would we have learned that Mullah Omar likes to make engine noises while turning the wheel of his parked car, or that Omar and Osama bin Laden used to go fishing together—with grenades...
...Put your hands on the controls, bro," said Paco, "it's such a rush...
...Pleeease, it would be so special," the giggly interviewer asked Rob, as if she'd been trying to hop into his Mustang for a jaunt up to Inspiration Point...
...But, chastened, I told Rob that I'd buy the souvenir for 100 bucks...
...They provide what I call the Ron Effect...
...Did she change her mind...
...There's no one from whom I'd rather steal than a British hack...
...On the tarmac right off the runway, a Japanese television crew was interviewing Rob Wilson, a 20-year-old attendant at the center, and Paco Simpson, an AT&T marketing employee and airfield regular...
...Remembering that this was where terrorist Mohamed Atta rented planes to practice up for his flight into the World Trade Center, I stopped in to have a look...
...As I was about to go, the owner called back...
...No matter how lost I was, I'd never be as lost as Ron...
...As a rule, they have an inborn knack for extracting a story's most interesting details...
...Fleet Streeters, so the stereotype goes, tend to be thieving, dipsomaniac fabulists: quick to sensationalize, slow to fact-check, more likely to hoist a pint than a phone...
...MATT LABASH...
...Whoa, bro," said Paco, "you can't have that, the FAA will come down on us...
...Instead, Rob let us sit in the plane...
...After all, he wrote, "how many can claim to own the underwear of the world's most dangerous man...
...Likewise, Parry's adventure made me feel better about one of my own...
...Rob said he'd have to ask the center's owner, so he phoned her...
...Ron was a high school pal of mine, with whom I nearly failed trigonometry...
Vol. 7 • December 2001 • No. 13
