Parody
Parody Taliban abandons plans to surrender Kandahar after Mullah Omar has "prophetic dream" telling him to retain control of the city. —News item, Nov. 20,2001 Sigmund Ahmed Mohamedstein, M.D....
...October 26: Patient admits he banned music across country after failing to get Macarena song out of his head...
...October 23: First session...
...We’re all in pajamas...
...Strange neighborhood activity continues...
...Says “Whole world is out to get me...
...Patient confesses he has receding chinline, and beard is attempt to compensate...
...Strange coincidence: Few minutes after he leaves, garage across the street blows up...
...October 25: Patient dreams of train about to enter tunnel, but as train is about to go in, dream changes to repeated visions of smokestacks collapsing...
...After departure, gas station down the street explodes...
...Rushes out...
...I ask patient to keep a dream diary...
...Patient expresses frustration that infidels occupy holy ground and sap Muslim manhood...
...Speaks of CIA conspiracy to track him down, satellites watching him...
...Breaks down...
...She was always veiled with me,” he confesses...
...Asks to borrow my Architectural Digest, as he is thinking of redecorating his cave...
...Deeply disturbed...
...Confesses he is in love with Streisand and that whole anti-Semitism act is his way of playing hard to get...
...Pashtun Center for Conflict Resolution Kandahar, Afghanistan File Number: 3334 Patient: Mullah Omar October 22:Patient rushed into my office, near hysterical fit...
...Dreams that Barbra Streisand is living in his linen closet while wearing a rabbit suit...
...October 27: Dramatic session...
...Weeps while recalling how babysitter once burned his favorite kite, “Rosebud...
...Says he would be cured if I was “half the intellectual Susan Sontag is...
...Two hours after departure, B-52 reduces clinic to rubble...
...I prescribe 35-year course of Freudian analysis with no letup for Ramadan...
...White men wearing “Don’t worry, we’re not Special Forces” name tags kidnap Omar’s driver and bodyguard...
...Insists he doesn’t shower because he believes in aromatherapy and he’s “self-medicating...
...Told me he dreamed of being in public wearing his pajamas...
...Shortly thereafter, local Starbucks incinerated...
...Confess to patient I am unable to interpret these images...
...Strange planes pass overhead, but no explosions...
...Obvious paranoid tendencies...
...Claims his father too was distant: “He loved my 57 other brothers and sisters more...
...October 24: Nearly a breakthrough...
...Then realized: “Hey, we’re in Afghanistan...
...Says that the worst part about being an Islamic extremist is that he requires a bright wardrobe palate to bring out his eyes...
...Patient admits he never got to know his mother...
Vol. 7 • December 2001 • No. 12
