Casual
Caldwell, Christopher
Casual CLAMMED UP The first word anyone ever spoke to me in London was blimey. Age 18, I came out of the Earl's Court tube station from Heathrow and asked a woman where the youth hostel was....
...I went to high school with the owner of the actual place and don't want to turn this into anything personal...
...The argument I had with Ms...
...They sure take their chowder seriously around here...
...I told her Staley's serves the kind of chowder you get in smalltown Midwestern airports when all the flights have left and the only place serving food is the bar...
...Really, the proper comparison here is not to other chowders but to, say, the Matterhorn, Sophia Loren, and the Divine Comedy...
...This is an example of why it's generally imbecilic to moan about someone or something's being "stifled by the forces of tradition...
...So let's just say that anyone who remembers papier-mache from junior high school will have an idea of Staley's chowder: pulpy, clamless, insipid...
...In a word: Blimey...
...This is a battle that the Staleys of the world, by definition, always win...
...Inebriating odors of brine billow nose-wards...
...To say chowder is good because it's thick is like saying a woman is beautiful because she wears baggy clothes...
...They can't stifle a yawn...
...That's why I've never told this story to any of my English friends...
...Maddie's makes a piping-hot, brothy concoction, salted by the sea, with a great pile of meaty clams and cubed potatoes rearing up over the buttery striations on the surface...
...The argument occurred in a used-book store...
...Blimey...
...The forces of tradition can't stifle anything...
...But, of course, we don't, and there was nothing quaint about it...
...Thick chowder follows the Iron Law of Restaurant Food, which states that, over time, every entree converges with pure ketchup...
...I would later spend a couple of years living in London, but have never, ever (outside of Mast^^piece Theatre) heard the word again...
...I'm sure of that—it's a lot like my grandmother's...
...Staley's, by contrast . . . I should note here that Staley's, as some readers may have guessed, is a made-up name...
...It's been dead for decades...
...There's no question that I was the traditionalist and she the progressive...
...she replied, unironically...
...And that, I fear, is the whole point of it...
...So when the nice old lady standing in front of the Barbara Pym novels said she thought Staley's was better because it was "unbelievably thick," I nearly wrestled her to the ground...
...Maddie's makes its excellent chowder the way it's always been made in New England...
...Thickness in chowder is obtained by adding flour, which obstructs the clam flavor...
...They wouldn't believe me, any more than I'd believe them if they claimed an American had greeted them with "Howdy, pardner...
...A ridiculous question, along the lines of "Who has a better fastball—Pedro Martinez or Elton John...
...So I glared at Ms...
...Maddie's chowder may be authentic, but Staley's, it pains me to say, is typical...
...Then you, like me, will be baffled by the continuing popularity of Staley's chowder in certain circles...
...It's not just the best chowder in town, it's the best chowder in the world...
...And Staley's most likely copied its recipe for "Traditional New Englande Clamme Chowder" from some crappy national chain ("Obsessions: A Place For Seafood" or "Scandals: A Fish Joint"), whose recipe was in turn prompted by a focus group of tasters hired in Albuquerque...
...Pym would only be possible at a time when no one gives a fig what his chowder tastes like...
...I went home to Massachusetts last week, and was thrown into the New England equivalent of this too-stereotypical-to-be-credible situation...
...I believe I mentioned that chowder is a soup, not a condiment...
...Briefly, I wound up in an argument over . . clam chowder...
...The owner was discussing restaurants with one of her customers, and they got on to whether Maddie's or Staley's had the best chowder in town...
...Of course not...
...CHRISTOPHER CAALDWELL...
...If there were a product called Clam Paste, which looked and tasted like Miracle Whip with a bit of belly-button lint stirred in, would you eat it at just above room temperature...
...Aw daon't knaow...
...My attachment to Maddie's is as strong as it is precisely because real chowder is now so hard to find...
...Thick chowder is for people who don't like chowder but, for some reason, want to say they do...
...Pym and told her as much...
...Anyone who overheard this exchange would have said, How quaint...
Vol. 6 • June 2001 • No. 39
