Parody
Parody Undercover Austin cops discovered the president's daughter drinking a beer last I month at a bar in Austin's popular SixthStreet nightclub district. Police said Bush did not appear drunk...
...3. LAPD volunteers to assist local police in beating up minority bystanders and stealing proceeds of any related drug seizures...
...Simpson announces he will not rest until he tracks down “the real robber...
...Documents sent to all FBI offices and promptly lost in filing cabinets, along with documents per taining to whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa, several generations of ham sandwiches, and 4 million missing socks...
...9. Suspect hires Johnnie Cochran as defense attorney...
...Trial lasts 47 months...
...6. FBI finds gun which may have been used in the crime...
...New York Post, May 17, 2001 How the American Justice system works A Guide for Emerging Democracies The American criminal justice system is a carefully calibrated set of procedures designed to protect the rights of citizens while swiftly apprehending criminals...
...Alan Dershowitz has himself surgically joined to Geraldo Rivera’s hip while Rivera is sleeping...
...At conclusion, judge throws out case, ruling it’s just not that exciting to sentence people to life without parole if they have already passed puberty...
...Let us describe a hypothetical crime to demonstrate how this system, the flower of our fully mature democracy, works in practice...
...After seven-week investigation, Boulder team is unsuccessful in effor ts to locate either its ass or its elbow...
...Give me a 12-yearold any day,” judge observes...
...Attorney General orders agents to find an obscure religious cult and incinerate it...
...Police said Bush did not appear drunk when she was picked up, and that the two Secret Service agents standing outside the bar had no idea Bush was inside drinking...
...Decides the case is too obvious to air...
...1. A member of the first family robs a bank in Denver, Colorado...
...Jeffrey Toobin completes book on case...
...4. Federal authorities notified...
...5. Justice Depar tment gets involved in case...
...Secret Service agents, who were standing outside the bank, supposedly guarding suspect, announce they “had no idea a robbery was going on...
...Insists he will search every fairway until culprit is caught...
...mature democracy, works in prnrtiw...
...Technicians repor t that according to their tests the gun is pregnant...
...Sends to FBI lab...
...8. “America’s Most Wanted” producer tracks down perpetrator in 37 minutes...
...2. Seeking assistance, local police call in an elite squad of detectives from Boulder, Colorado, police force...
...Sadly, FBI moles ship per tinent documents to Moscow...
...7. FBI manages to crack case...
...Agents were busy tr ying to figure out which was the top side of a piece of dental floss when suspect sprinted from bank carrying bags of cash while firing gun...
Vol. 6 • May 2001 • No. 35
