Casual
LABASH, MATT
Casual GROUPIE THINK For all the luxuries journalists enjoy—the generous medical and dental, the regular bathroom breaks, the gratis ice water—there is one perk that's noticeably absent: groupies....
...Perhaps that's why she writes in the margins, on the backside, even on the envelope—in multi-colored magic marker...
...On second thought, who needs corporeal groupies...
...but also gives aspiring groupies a pragmatic idea of what it's like to hit the road in the service of their country, or at least their country's rock stars...
...Sure, you'll see the occasional fan slip by this magazine's lax security, donning his best starched Dockers, staring his Mark David Chapman stare, sweating through problem skin as he prays that Fred Barnes can break from news-gathering to sign his laminated CPAC program...
...The site not only dispenses invaluable news tidbits with teasers like "More of Madonna's sex secrets revealed" (who knew she still had any...
...Now, I can wonder a little less— thanks to GroupieCentral.com, billed as "the first website dedicated to groupies...
...This is ungenerously defined as a communication from anyone who (a) disagrees with your stories, (b) in any way disparages your stories, or (c) praises your stories but does so in such bizarre fashion that you really wish he hadn't...
...Now she is afraid for her life and can't sleep without medication...
...For instance, if a fan finds herself coupled with Marilyn Manson, she might want to don protective eye-wear, as he is allegedly fond of slapping groupies with raw meat...
...But there aren't nearly as many crush-nursing female fans stalking the lobby as one might expect at a premier journal of conservative political thought...
...Not only does she keep her distance, but she has excellent penmanship...
...While I generally hold that the Internet is good for little besides helping eccentrics find each other so they can celebrate their irregularities, GroupieCentral.com is an important cultural artifact for anyone who has ever wondered what it would be like to import rock-star spoils into one's own dreary corner of the world...
...MATT LABASH...
...the website makes clear that the life of a rock star isn't all underwear barbecues and cold-cut smackdowns...
...But besides all the message boards, the groupie classifieds (a band named "The Cake Shop That Sold Shoes" is asking ladies to ready their resumes), and the advice column stewed in existential angst ("Is This Boy Band Member Interested In Me...
...The site's news section tells the harrowing tale of Agnetha Faltskog, of Swedish supergroup Abba...
...Joan has a lot to say, but seems to have trouble saying it within the confines of letter-size stationery...
...She is being stalked by a 300-lb forklift operator named Gert van der Graf...
...Take my colleague, for instance...
...Mostly, admirers lavish their attentions upon us writers through "nut mail...
...As a child, he fell in love with her when she sang "Waterloo," wallpapered his home with pictures of her, sent her menacing letters, and even moved into a cabin a short jaunt from her home...
...The lead singer for Type O Negative is said to suffer from a pyro-mania fetish, which has him burning underwear and small animals, lending dangerous new dimensions to the term "hot-sheets motel...
...whenever the spirit moves...
...Agnetha can have her Gert...
...While it's an honor to serve as Joan's sounding board on the Apocalypse and the New Jerusalem, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have more conventional groupies: the kind who squeal and ululate, who cause marital discord, the wanton strumpets who insist on rending your garments after you've executed a well-turned phrase or constructed a tightly reasoned argument...
...Power Seekers" and "Satan Begone...
...Then there's my own best gal, Joan...
...Besides, when the Apocalypse is imminent, I'll be the first to know...
...The site contains encyclopedic supergroupie bios on everyone from Cynthia "Plaster Caster" Albritton to Sweet Connie Hamzy, who has bedded rock gods from Jimmy Page to Richard "Close to You" Carpenter, but who claims her most celebrated quarry was Bill Clinton, the one who got away (not because of his well-known aversion to slutty overtures, but because the two couldn't find a room to consummate their attraction after frisking each other by a Little Rock hotel pool...
...Though Joan seems kindly disposed toward my pieces on the rare occasions she alludes to something I've actually written, she is not shy about leveling stern admonitions such as "Watch Out...
...Nine Inch Nails' Trent Reznor has "mommy issues," while WASP frontman Blackie Lawless is allegedly a "psycho" with a "greasy, nasty hair weave...
...I'm sticking with Joan...
...Whenever he makes a particularly rousing C-SPAN appearance, he is courted by an ardent fan who showers him with poster tubes containing the Declaration of Independence, along with the fan's equally important personal pronouncements, all laid out on parchment in painstaking calligraphy...
Vol. 6 • September 2000 • No. 2
