Parody
Parody Office of the Majority Nurturer Tom DeLay George W. Bush The White House Washington, D.C. Dear Mr. President, My heart is just so full as I write to you. It’s two in the morning, on the...
...You’ve really touched me, Mr...
...I just watched Terms of Endearment again, and I’m opening myself up to the feelings of the past few days...
...When America wants a beginning, it doesn’t want an old beginning...
...Would you mind if I proposed a $700 million Federal Niceness Fund, to encourage acts of niceness...
...It doesn’t even want a middle-aged beginning...
...Congress...
...Not a measly $500 million compassion fund...
...I’m with you, Mr...
...Wonderful...
...You are my moonbeam...
...I felt tingly when I saw the cover of your budget document, promising a “New Beginning...
...But a big, beautiful federal one...
...It’s late now, and I should go to bed...
...It’s two in the morning, on the night after you submitted your budget to the U.S...
...This new title reflects the soft, feminine side that I’ve always treasured and offered to my conference...
...Your speech was just magical...
...If it’s going to be a beginning, it should be a new one...
...Let us dream of more New Beginnings...
...But why stop there...
...When, I have been asking my colleagues, are we going to have a president with a good enough heart to raise the budget for the Department of Education by a record 11 percent...
...My heart is full with your inspiration...
...I’ve been saying the same thing for years...
...Exactly...
...I turned straight to the section on the $700 million Federal Compassion Capital Fund, which you mentioned in your speech...
...Love and kisses, Tom DeLay...
...President, as I think you’ve touched the hearts of the whole nation...
...You are everything groovy...
...As you’ll see from my letterhead, I’ve even changed the name of my office from Majority Whip to Majority Nurturer...
...You are my sunshine...
...I joined the Republican party because I believed ours was the party that could offer the nation a $700 million federal compassion fund...
...I’m sitting alone in my sewing room, sipping a little herbal tea, comfy in my fuzzy slippers...
...I already have my staff working on a Courage Fund and a Tax Credit for Extreme Politeness...
...When you criticized those Republicans who’ve been for cutting government regardless of need, my soul just leapt...
...Then came you...
...And not a hodgepodge of state compassion funds...
...I’ve always tried to be a caregiver to my flock, a Kleenex for those in turmoil, a cuddly Beanie Baby in the hard cold Halls of Power...
...I am just so thankful for you...
Vol. 6 • March 2001 • No. 25
