Parody
Parody September 11, 2000 Memo TO: W From: Karl Subject: Raising Our Negatives The problem. We made a bad mistake waiting so long to rebut news reports that you are charming, moderate, and...
...We have airea^ taken valuable preliminary steps in this direction...
...Stay on message...
...Similarly, Marvin Olasky has a draft op-ed he says will prove that yourslur against Clymer is consistent with the Christian God's demand for truth-telling...
...The other stuff, needless to say, is old hat...
...We ll kill that, too...
...Unfortunately, it seems there's a great deal of social science evidence that Clymer really is a major-league asshole...
...WE NEED TO GET THE DUMB VOTERS BACK...
...If we screw up each one, we just might win...
...We have Jack Kemp coming in to help prep you...
...But as Dick Cheney points out, now we need to push ahead "big time...
...Yes, a couple of our smarter reporters have asked whether we didn't stage the whole thing on purpose...
...Simply put: You didn't lookdrunk enough We've scheduled another shoot for Saturday, this one depicting you absolutely wasted—at 10 am in the governor's mansion!—during a conversation about nuclear weapons with Gen...
...We couldn't have bought such criticism...
...But Ari s brilliant "gaffe denial—"Bush isn't that stupid"—has suckered them off the scent...
...Your old man knows a special trick for making yourse]f throw up on cue...
...Sixty days left...
...Theme Three: You are Abusive and Vulgar...
...Remember: We want to look bad...
...We left Gore free to position hlmself as the clueless robot in the race Sure enough, Steeper's open-endeds show big chunks of our top-priority demographic-dumb people—suddenly deserting us in favor of "the other guy . . . the conceited one who kissed his wife...
...We had hoped it would look like a Hail Mary play, of course but for some reason everyone has interpreted your debate proposal—Tim Russert instead of some airhead "town hall" facilitator—as a sign that you are afraid of your opponent...
...Theme One: You are Personally Unstable and a Hypocrite...
...It's clear we were too subtle with the bogus "wedding video" we arranged for Drudge to get...
...Theme Two: You are an Empty Suit...
...Which means, when it finally does come time to debate Gore, you're still going to have to take a serious dive...
...1 know this willbe unnatural, but I also know you can do it...
...Our only worry now is that ssome well-meaning innocent will actually try to defend your remark...
...No question: Allbaugh's Adam C]ymer idea worked like gangbusters...
...R^w-ell Just to be on the safe side and really put it over, we've scripted a close where you brand Powell with a red-hot wire hanger, vomit uncontrollably, and then pass out—all on camera and, as Dick recommends, fully miked...
...1 caution you: This is only a minor side benefit...
...The Solution...
...Being thought a coward is fine, but our real goal remains making people think that, like them, you're a dope...
...We made a bad mistake waiting so long to rebut news reports that you are charming, moderate, and passably competent...
...EDr instance: This morning Mike Gerson talked to a woman who wants to write a long article for the Atlantic about how George W. Bush Was Right...
...At our senior staff toga party September 3, I described and you approved a three-part strategy to instantly gener-ate—and sustain—some of the worst press coverage in the hlstory of American politics...
...And we have a plan...
...Likely placement for this clip: by mail to Salon magazine(from "a concerned citizen...
...He s the expert.Please listen to him...
Vol. 6 • September 2000 • No. 1
