Palm Beach Bingo

...Generally, they don't seem to know the answer to anything...

...They push on valiantly (on both sides of the street ) until Jackson shows up to consolidate them in the northbound lane...

...Labarga has been on the case only two days, but already he wonders aloud if "there's anybody in Florida who has not sued in this case" and he seems at wit's end...

...On to the amphitheater...

...This kind of talk makes them stand out in the crowd...

...12:35 p.m...

...Tuesday, 11:33 a.m...

...As we crowd around a TV set, heavily rouged newsbunnies take all the choice seats and someone draws shut the accordion room dividers...

...By this time, he's fairly jaded...

...Standing next to us on the curb is a perky Bush supporter, holding a sign that says "Pray for our nation...

...Margot obliges, but she does so with trepidation...

...Some read the paper...

...Throughout the week, there is a nagging sense that you are missing something important...

...Outside the compound, I wait for a cab with Marco Bardazzi, a correspondent for ANSA Italian news...

...She's the only hot one, I'd like to switch to her party affiliation," one camera operator says of a Democratic counter...

...We're at the fork in the road," he tells the crowd...

...It's enough to give sunshine a bad name...

...As my cabbie wheels me into the operations center, which he says is used for "disasters like hurricanes—and our elections," Jesse Jackson is already working the parking lot full of reporters...

...At the Lake Ida strip mall in Delray Beach there is a similar affidavit factory, catering to elderly Jewish voters...

...The crowd is armed with identical Gore/Lieber-man propaganda, bearing the brands of everyone from the NAACP to Planned Parenthood...

...After a Democratic county commissioner stokes the Matt Labash is a staff writer at THE WEEKLY STANDARD...

...Working the parking lot is Bush flack Tucker Eskew (second cousin of Gore strategist Carter Eskew—"we don't keep up," he says) and Republican congressman Mark Foley...

...One of them complains that his 12-year-old son who accompanied him steered his stylus to Pat Buchanan's punch hole...

...So it is this balmy evening in the palm-laden Meyer Amphitheater, which abuts West Palm Beach's Inter-coastal Waterway...

...It's understandable that they're intoxicated with their new power...

...His stage directions are equally unclear...

...Wednesday, 9 a.m...

...He asks her if she asked for assistance...

...In the media room, he has plenty of company...

...Eeet's very deeefeecult to explain to reader what chad is," he says in a Roberto Benigni accent...

...If you close your eyes and forget all the upscale boutiques and martini-bars, it could be Selma circa 1965...

...If there is little action at the operations center, there is nothing but action at the Palm Beach County circuit court...

...In Volusia County, for instance, an elderly poll worker showed up during a recount with a bag of ballots he'd forgotten in his car...

...She is embarrassed over making the goof...

...we are America's news followers...

...b) You will pay taxes, then die, then pay a death tax...

...The lawyer tells her to write down in her complaint (over 10,000 of which have been drafted) that she had "no confidence in the process...

...When I ask Windham if I can collect some of the stories, she tells me to be on my way—but not before insisting I talk to the head of the Florida AFL-CIO, Marilyn Lenard, on her cell phone...

...All across the city, Democratic types have started up affidavit sweatshops, where "disenfranchised" voters, convinced they were rooked in the election, can swear out complaints...

...Journalists are shunted to an overflow room in the courthouse cafeteria...

...It's helpin' time...

...I point out to him that this would be a pretty elaborate ruse, as Jackson would have to convince 2,000 people to participate in a head-fake...

...Back in the operations center parking lot, another one of the sunshine press conferences commences...

...In life, there are but three certainties: (a) If you envy your friends, they will succeed...

...Some swivel in their chairs...

...Wade is accompanied by a roughneck band of black Republicans from North Miami who call themselves Freedom Fighters International...

...She isn't...

...Jackson calls for a three-block protest march to the supervisor of elections' office, where the blinds are drawn and nobody's home thanks to all the unwanted attention...

...Plus, she was "dead tired" and in a "hurried state" and at a "real low at 4:30 p.m...

...The document is notarized...

...As a Miami Herald reporter and I conclude lunch at a nearby sub shop, my colleague is alerted on his cell phone by an editor that mass civil disobedience is breaking out...

...Nowhere, however, are things more confusing than at Palm Beach County's Emergency Operations Center, where ballot recounts are constantly on-again or off-again, depending on the whims of various judges and canvassing board commissioners: Theresa LePore (who okayed the butterfly ballot), Judge Charles Burton, and Gore-partisan Carol Roberts (whom Republicans have accused of the highest crime imaginable: fondling chads during last Saturday's recount...

...crowd with the confidence-inspiring "message to America" that "we are not sunstroked," Jesse takes the stage in his walking shoes and Idi-Amin-style safari suit...

...Most discouraging, especially to Palm Beach residents who've been whining that theirs was a confusing ballot, is this underreported tidbit from the Palm Beach Post: 15 Florida counties had worse ballot-error rates than Palm Beach's 6.39 percent, giving new life to widespread suspicions about sunstroke...

...Or perhaps they just didn't want the headache of deciding when dimpled chads become hanging chads (until last week, Judge Labarga says, he thought a chad was a "country in Africa...

...Before I can enter the building, however, I'm intercepted by spokeswoman Lane Windham, just in from D.C...

...This march, it's clear, is about something a lot bigger than Al Gore and Joe Lieberman...

...Rounding the turn onto North Olive in front of the elections office, Jackson is greeted by a steely band of Republican protesters, who have staked out prime heckling territory so they can scream "Go home, Jesse...

...Then there's Palm Beach's newest state representative Irv Slosberg, who campaigned by handing out corned beef sandwiches to voters, and who might face charges after getting caught with a Votamatic machine (used to punch holes in ballots) in his car...

...it's holy time," he says...

...He is wearing yesterday's clothes, which seems appropriate, as he is fighting yesterday's battles...

...Not only was the ballot confusing, but she wears bifocals...

...They haven't seen this much excitement since the early '80s Pulitzer divorce case, when Roxanne shocked some of the world's most decadent citizens after it was alleged she had congress with a trumpet...

...As in the sunshine state itself, it is brother against brother, copy slinger against newsbunny...

...Thursday...

...As I enter the parking lot of a dilapidated building shared with a bail bondsman, there is enough union-worker traffic in the parking lot to make one think it is a shopping mall...

...Kicking off week two of the post-presidential election fiasco, Jackson is back for yet another rally...

...Wade ponders this for a moment, then raises a fist...

...it's healin' time...

...5 p.m...

...It seems the electrical workers aren't the only ones telling stories...

...The rest look like government employees...

...Young protesters holding a Gore/Lieberman sign jump offsides and get ahead of Jackson, who fiercely waves them back...

...I'm very happy I'm leaving," says Bardazzi, as he steps into his cab...

...Inside the video room, passed out cameramen saw logs on the floor, while their alert colleagues eye the counters as if they were apes at a zoo exhibit...

...But tonight the verdant venue is full of "the disenfranchised," as they now call themselves—victims of the butterfly ballot who regurgitate all manner of baseless conspiracies that they think entitle them to a revote...

...At an outdoor folding table, I meet Margot from Boca, a Gore supporter who thinks she confused the punch holes and inadvertently voted for Pat Buchanan...

...In the media overflow room, where we watch catatonic bipartisan counters stare at little holes (newsroom wags now call them "f—ing chads"), fierce journalistic debate breaks out...

...Headed by a club singer named Michael Maurice Symonette, the FFI is alerting anyone who will listen that it was Democrats who lynched their ancestors, that the Gore family held slaves, and that Jackson is a "house Negro...

...Back at the amphitheater, Gore loyalists collapse around them, swear at them, and joust at their anti-Jackson signs with signs of their own...

...Perhaps they had genuine conflicts of interest...

...We thought we had the worst election system in the world...

...Courthouse workers apparently don't wish to look at journalists—at least not while they're eating...

...This is a long day at the operations center, as we endure all manner of protest and press conference...

...For those of us who've endured three of his rallies in less than a week, it's Miller time...

...That is why, back at the operations center, most reporters stay glued to CNN...

...I Inside, the counters have finally been < given the go-ahead to resume their recounting, though it's not clear if their recounting will count...

...But it wasn't her fault, she says...

...Wade, Michael, and Co...

...The trade unionists say they are not planning to file suit, they're just "collecting stories...

...It's about Jesse Jackson...

...The amphitheater is the kind of place where you normally find frozen-mocha-sipping yuppies taking in a smooth-jazz concert...

...Courtroom 4-D currently belongs to Judge Jorge Labarga, who had the election cases dumped on him upon returning from lunch, after five other judges had recused themselves—three of them in one day...

...12:50 p.m...

...And they are a brotherhood too—what the mafia used to call a "brotherhood of silence...

...he cries...

...We must not choose the fork...

...But if there's anything this post-election morass has taught devolutionists, it's that while the theory of state government is a fine thing, the reality is a circus like the one in Florida...

...Here at the Palm Beach Democratic party headquarters, the volunteer hacks and lawyers are a lot more open to letting me collect stories about their collecting stories...

...There is evidence Jackson's lost a step, as an aide runs ahead to caution the police-driven pace car that the Reverend is suffocating on its fumes...

...Inside the building, potbellied cameramen in a plexiglassed room of video monitors keep one eye on The Price is Right and the other on the empty chamber, a NASA-style control room where the bipartisan ballot-counters will reside...

...I'm a reading teacher," she confides...

...A who-should-go-home argument ensues for several minutes, the back-and-forth becoming so rancorous that Jackson, fearful of violence, commands the crowd to reconvene back at the amphitheater...

...The Republicans' de facto leader, a Las Vegas roofer named Wade Whitaker, thinks it's all a trick to force Republicans to relinquish their turf...

...Historically, Republicans have grown agitated at the idea of a state's decisions being countermanded by overfed, underworked Washington bureaucrats...

...A lawyer asks her if she's sure...

...But all of them are subjected to a particularly cruel form of torture—eight straight hours of MSNBC on a wall-length television screen with no remote control...

...Instead of recusing himself like all the other judges, however, he mocks and cajoles the phalanx of barristers before him...

...They repeatedly announce that they are waiting for a state supreme court ruling or a circuit court ruling or whatever else they need to continue or discontinue their ballot recounts...

...When I become president," he promises, "that's the first thing I'll change...

...Watching lawyers get ridiculed—there are worse ways to pass a day...

...For now, only one thing is certain: Composing history's first draft isn't pretty...

...decide to take an early leave after seeing one of their members thumped on the head, having their signs dismantled, and getting repeatedly threatened...

...There's pink-haired "Medical Marijuana Barbie," striving to legitimize pot-use in a "positive, non-threatening way...

...Cher has just canceled her appearance, but there's still an undeniable star presence...

...They are America's news leaders...

...He is uncertain of names and claims and what the exact motion is before him, which may not be his fault...

...In the courthouse cafeteria/media room, it's all chad talk, all the time...

...Whether it be hanging, pregnant, or dimpled chads, we take childlike glee in our new vocabulary, awed that the election hangs on little paper punchouts that sound like the name of some failed garage band (please welcome, the Hanging Chads...

...he asks incredulously, before calling a recess so one can be hired...

...Blood is nearly spilled as two reporters quibble over whether Theresa LePore welcomed the recounters back with an "okay" or a "good evening" before saying, "here we go again...

...Half the room thinks the first ballot was touched at 7:14 p.m., while the other half thinks it was 7:15 p.m...

...As one Republican does so with a megaphone, Jackson partisans wittily reply, "You go home, asshole...

...The sausage has been made...

...Last week's street demonstrations seemed like the result of genuine voter outrage, but now the pros have taken over...

...A beat-up El Camino drives by with the window rolled down...

...The fear is gone...

...A few miles away on Belvedere Road, I visit the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers...

...along with scores of out-of-town AFL-CIO volunteers and lawyers...

...Jackson's words sound inspiring, if slightly confused...

...More likely still is that they didn't want to deal with what is known around the courthouse as the "gangbang," a legal term of art describing the 10 or so lawsuits filed by angry, confused, uncoordinated Gore voters...

...The edifice itself is all light-tile and aquamarine trim, making it look like the inside of Gloria Estefan's bathroom...

...Go home, asshole," the driver yells, picking up on the theme of the Jackson rally debate...

...From a distance, it looks like a drunk puppet show...

...and (c) Wherever three or more cameras are gathered, Jesse Jackson will be in their midst...

...From a difficulty standpoint, making it into the courtroom is on a par with crashing Studio 54 during Bianca Jagger's birthday party...

...With multiple cases filed everywhere from circuit court to the supreme court, from Tallahassee to Atlanta, new legal developments change the story nearly every hour...

...And there's lip-ringed Carl, who insists he, like Gore, was robbed of votes in his write-in campaign for president, though upon further interrogation, he admits he's 18 years old and too young to serve...

...Rallies are so last week," he says...

...The crowd is commanded to fill nearby Flagler Drive, but as the street runs two lanes in opposite directions, nobody knows which side of the median strip they are working...

...Guarding the velvet rope are surly bailiffs with Village People mustaches who enjoy separating lawyers from their clients and reporters from their photographers, and who generally deny admittance to all who would enter...

...Now we are happy because someone has worst than ours...

...Somehow, she has summoned the courage to fight...

...Lenard tells me that the AFL-CIO is not working in cahoots with the Democrats...

...We've got 50 lawyers here and nobody hired a court reporter...

...1:45 p.m...

...As Judge Labarga mounts the bench, he seems overwhelmed...

...We commiserate about the difficulty of covering the multifaceted story...

...The authorities are nearly called when a chad debate spins out of control: Is the plural "chads," or is chad its own plural, like "sheep...

...Today's business involves the Florida Democratic party's lawsuit to force the counting of dimpled chads (indented, but not perforated, punch cards...

...Back at the compound, straw-hatted Republicans brave pro-pot activists and karate-pose-striking Gore supporters while taking to the streets to defend | secretary of state Katherine Harris, on | track to become the next Linda Tripp...

...Jesse, meantime, is bringing home the message that in an election, no voice should be stilled...

...Republican and Democratic plants are thick on the ground, and when they cheer and jeer during the canvassing board's meeting (they are still trying to decide what to do about recounting ballots), the board's Judge Burton threatens to clear this outdoor courtroom...

...But when I pop my head into a lunch room, out of Windham's vigilant gaze, I see a big phone number magic-markered on the wall—the number for the Florida Democratic party...

...I have degrees up the rear end...

...In the conference room at the operations center, listless counters pass the time, waiting for someone to give them the green light...

...In front of the building among the satellite trucks and makeshift media cabanas is an elevated platform with a table and microphones, where the canvassing board ("Larry, Moe, and Curly" to some reporters) conduct their frequent meetings in accordance with Florida's sunshine laws...

...Last week, Democrats had suggested he leave, but after observing the Sabbath—perhaps as a sop to Palm Beach's populous Jewish electorate—Jackson is back...

...Foley has been spinning so long under the hot sun that by midday he has a George Hamil-tan...

...3:45 p.m...

...She didn't, she says, because the poll worker misplaced her driver's license as she signed in, so "how in the hell was he going to assist me...