Hillary, You Can Run, But Please Don't Hide
O'ROURKE, P.J.
Hillary, You Can Run, But Please Don't Hide Ah, so many reasons it would be good to have her in the Senate. BY EJ. O'ROURKE I want Hillary Clinton to get that New York senatorship—the one Pat...
...Make that $10, because she got gouged on the $1.7 million house in Chappaqua...
...Bill, probably...
...Rudy's what New Yorkers have deserved for years...
...ouch...
...And what's that she's trying to get off her hands...
...Ah, the Nose Ring Leash Law of 2003...
...O'ROURKE I want Hillary Clinton to get that New York senatorship—the one Pat Moynihan had for years until he misplaced it after a long lunch...
...We're rich...
...I also want Hillary elected because this would be a fit punishment for a person who has made a fatuous claim to be a mover and shaker, who believes she is a political colossus and who thinks the earth trembles from her great progressive strides...
...Rest assured no mulligatawny of social legislation will be served up in the Senate without Hillary's thumb in the soup bowl...
...Senate seat is open...
...Consider what this means to Republican fund-raising efforts...
...Here is a woman who can give $30 million to fight the good fight without—literally—lifting a finger...
...Speaking of bad actors, we've lacked a villain...
...Never watch a Linda Bloodworth-Thoma-son video on an empty cerebral cortex...
...And then—oh, man, it's triple cherries on the $10 slots!—trea-sure just comes tumbling into the laps of the prudent and the wise...
...Her lips form a simper of sanctity...
...And we're smart...
...That little smirk of hers, that faint suggestion of a self-cherishing pout, is worth $30 million a year to the GOP, easy...
...Actually, we can answer this question if we study her television interviews, listen to her speeches, and read her dreadful book and appalling newspaper columns...
...She has ideas about everything— school vouchers, minimum wage, earned income tax credits, college tuition, Social Security, Medicare, the national debt, and making "a mean tossed salad," to mention just a few of the subjects touched upon during her February 6 campaign kick-off event...
...A small change in the shape of her pie hole and we're rich...
...He should stay mayor forever, if not of New York then of some other horrible city...
...Hillary's role is to remind us of the scheme: Liberals plan to take everything and give it to bad actors as a reward for talking crap...
...And every time Hillary gets one of these ideas she starts exercising the smugness muscles with which the liberal face is so richly endowed...
...Suddenly we're thinking critically again...
...Those hands of Hillary's will be busy in any case...
...America's economic advantage over Western Europe and Japan...
...Her mouth compresses in a suck-purse grimace...
...Pickled, lardy Ted won't do...
...But saving the economy, bugging SoHo twits, and bringing snot-bobbers to heel are mere fringe benefits to a Hillary victory in November...
...Our 401(k)s will be invested in Arkansas pea patches...
...Seattle leaps to mind...
...Ideas are to Hillary what sex is to her husband—something to be had indiscriminately and often and the results of which—thank goodness—go right down the drain...
...what's she know...
...Fortunately a U.S...
...At any given moment a full five score of America's largest corporations are being spared Paul Wellstone as CEO...
...Into the tar pit of the Senate with you, you soon-to-be-extinct mastodon of PoliSci, you fossil in a pants suit...
...Lady-Macbeth-in-a-headband, however, will more than suffice...
...Chap-paqua...
...Let's watch you squeal and bellow as you sink helplessly to the very bottom of the seniority system ooze...
...From whitewater to Castle Grande to Palestinian statehood, Hillary has always been dumb about real estate—and a lot of other things, and why not...
...The real prize is a guaranteed six years of Hillary in high profile public exposure...
...I'm sending $5 to Hillary's campaign fund...
...This could be the entire secret of P.J.O'Rourke is a contributing editor to THE WEEKLY STANDARD...
...Rudy is a cold, angry, vengeful martinet of a man—exactly the person that we 263 million Americans who don't live in New York City want that town to have as its mayor...
...Brain cramps...
...The Founding Fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take 100 of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm...
...Let Hillary loose in the free enterprise system and the New York Stock Exchange winds up like Madison Guaranty Savings and Loan...
...The theatrical craft, the special effects, the stage business of the New Democrats made us almost forget that liberalism has a plot...
...if you think about it, she's just another Suzy Loser with endless man troubles living in public housing at the taxpayer's expense...
...Furthermore, putting Hillary in the Senate keeps Rudolph Giuliani out...
...Jeering Ted Kennedy is like making fun of Falstaff at the end of Henry IV: Part II...
...Hillary has ideas the way Arkansas has cars on blocks...
Vol. 5 • February 2000 • No. 22
