Lobbyists for McCain

...In the frescoed, chandeliered ballroom of the Willard, they seem so intent on ingratiating themselves to McCain, they don't even care he's not here in person...

...or horns," says another crew member...

...They wear "McCain Voted Against My Bill...

...One can see such jockeying taking place even among McCain's closest supporters...

...Young love is easy," says a wistful Castellanos, "marriage is hard...

...In fact, because of McCain's simultaneous campaign-finance jihad and coziness with lobbyists, he's drawn knocks from across the spectrum— from the Wall Street Journal to the Center for Public Integrity to, no surprise, George W. Bush...

...One wants to ask Joe if he's ever heard of the Keating Five, but as with his brother, it seems inappropriate to disrupt the momentum...

...They exchange chummy ribaldries, but Smith quiets down soon, after putting former POW/Hanoi Hilton denizen Everett Alvarez in a headlock...

...And yet, somehow, they're subhuman...

...It worked for Clinton, it's working for McCain: 'Stop me before I fly in the corporate jet again.'" The Bush team can perhaps be forgiven a little self-pity, as it was only in June of last year that Bush rode triumphant into the Washington Hilton, plying a roomful of lobbyists with hot dogs and popcorn, and collecting $2 million as the heir apparent...

...You are a worthless scum-sucking pig," Smith bellows...

...As no one is shouting out their names (quick!— there's Tom Korologos...

...But what would one expect from lobbyists, right...

...He's been tortured and beaten by the best...

...If he can withstand that, is he gonna be tempted by some guy in a blue suit with a fat wallet...

...badges...

...Joe continues...

...I follow up...

...Only 9 percent of New Hampshire voters said campaign finance reform mattered to them...

...This man had a chance to get out of POW camp seven times...

...With a warlike cackle, he kicks Joe hard in the foot...

...Joe looks at him dismissive-ly, saying to me, "He is the Iron Triangle...

...The same Iron Triangle now devouring the bountiful cheese island in the middle of the ballroom floor, now sloshing it down with serial cocktails from one of McCain's four open bars, as emcee senator Chuck Hagel joshes, "Don't pick up any of the crystal...

...A lady in a fur," he says, though he is clueless as to her identity...

...I ask the slightly peeved cameraman how he can tell who they are...

...Who are you trying to shoot...

...One of McCain's national campaign co-chairs, two of his National Campaign Steering Committee co-chairs, and 11 of his 46 Victory Committee sponsors have also given money to other Republican contenders—primarily to Bush...

...Who've you shot...

...But while many question McCain's independence, it isn't clear who else, under such scrutiny, could pack a ballroom full of influence-peddlers, belittle them, then expect them to leave their money in the collection plate before returning to their snakepits...

...As for McCain's tendency to use his own lapses to illustrate the need for reform ("It renews my vigor for campaign finance reform," he recently said after deflecting criticism for writing a letter to the FCC on behalf of a supporter), Castel-lanos sees red: "That's like the criminal getting caught and saying we need tougher laws...

...Alex Castellanos, who supervises ad buys for the Bush team, says, in what's meant as an insult, that McCain's recent surge has nothing to do with campaign finance reform, "it's about his character...

...Smith remembers those worlds colliding, when he once lobbied his old military pal on a shipping matter...

...Such is the problem with lobbyists...

...They look human...

...Since Joe thinks, as many in the media do, Much as prostitutes call themselves "sex workers," lobbyists identify themselves as "consultants" who "do government relations work...

...When John McCain derides the "Iron Triangle" of "lobbyists, big money, and legislation," he makes it sound like a pedophile's convention in Waco in July: an uncomfortable place with nasty people where you wouldn't want to go...

...I'm tired of watching you limp...

...The Vietnamese tried to break him with clubs, iron bars, torture, beating, isolation...

...They sound human...

...A gaggle of camera crews awaited curbside, as if expecting starlets to emerge from their oscar-night limos...

...But when asked if he's concerned about pulling for a candidate who espouses marginalizing his vocation, Hirn shakes his head, unconcerned, over a half-empty bourbon, saying, "Politicians have to talk to somebody down there, or it's going to get pretty lonely...

...I ask one mustachioed cameraman...

...They don't poison former senator Warren Rudman's vegetable puff when he loudly suggests that McCain may "put them out of business...

...that brother John is "one of the coolest guys in the world," he is particularly sensitive that anyone would charge his brother with hypocrisy for hosting such an event...

...They deny their own identities...

...Or so we're told with increasing frequency these days, as lobbyists, more even than the Religious Right or Reform party presidential candidates, have become the most ridiculed demographic in the 2000 campaign...

...Such contradictions are enough to set Bush supporters' teeth on edge...

...Look carefully through the list of hosts of the Straight Talk reception and you will uncover the forked-tongued fickleness of election-year politics...

...Instead, the candidate has beamed in with spotty audio from Charleston, South Carolina, and promises his paying customers in Washington that he will break the Iron Triangle...

...Hey Ev," Smith taunts, "Get a chiropractor for crying out loud...

...Since then, two things have become clear: (1) McCain has a better caterer, serving sesame chicken, pasta primavera, and Gulf shrimp the size of a small child's head, and (2) Republican moneymen are now engaged in the time-honored practice horseplayers call "dutching": Pick more than one winner, get a smaller return, but make sure you finish in the money...

...they tried to break down his character, his integrity...

...And no one kicks their shins more often than McCain, which lends the proceedings at the Willard the sort of over-obvious irony political reporters deeply appreciate...

...But it sure didn't feel that way at last Thursday night's Straight Talk reception—a $500-to-$1,000-a-head fund-raiser for the McCain campaign held at Washington's stately Willard Hotel...

...Like many here, he professes to be for campaign finance reform, albeit his own version of it: "We would love to not have to pay to get access...

...Much as prostitutes call themselves "sex workers" and Mafiosi are "plumbing contractors," almost all the lobbyists I talk to, in a roomful of a couple hundred, decline to outright identify themselves as such...

...Instead, the room is crawling with "consultants" who "do some government-relations work...

...He's pulling the campaign finance reform wagon," explains Castellanos, "but if any other Republican tries to hook up to it, and they weren't in the Hanoi Hilton for six years, they'll find that wagon gets awfully heavy...

...Suddenly, his cocksure smile is replaced with a puzzled grimace: "He handed me my ass...

...What—some guy's gonna hit him over the head with a salad bowl in a fancy restaurant...

...He pauses, furrowing his brow as a few potential super-lobbyists slide by unphoto-graphed: "They'll probably be wearing ties," he offers...

...Say this for the lobbyists, they're good sports...

...Big-time lobbyists," he says intently...

...They tell dim-bulb George W. jokes...

...As the New York Times reported last week, 33 of the 46 members of McCain's "Victory Committee," who were sponsoring this $250,000 fund-raiser, are lobbyists...

...Smith seems the ideal interview subject, bridging McCain's two worlds: the one in which his relationships were forged by duty, hardship, and service, and the one in which they are forged by open bars and $1,000 contributions...

...Joe finishes shoveling it thick when Carl Smith, a lobbyist with Higgins, McGovern & Smith who has known McCain since they flew together in the same fighter squadron, sidles up in full Straight Talk mode...

...As the event winds down, John McCain's younger brother Joe, a silver-haired Scotch-Irish gale of bluster and tears, is entertaining onlookers, alternately crying when relating his brother's Vietnam captivity and cursing his brother's copper POW bracelet, which is "turning my damn arm green when I Brasso it...

...One of the few brave souls who will use the L word is Richard Hirn, a Democrat and self-identified "lobbyist" for the National Weather Service Employees Organization...

...he stayed for five and a half years because it was his duty...