PARODY
PARODY The Department of Energy Where Energy is Our Middle Name! To: All D.O.E. EMPLOYED FROM: JOHN "DOOBIE" HOLMER, Chief of Security Re: Spy stuff Hey Folks! As you probably have heard, we...
...Intelligence agents from hostile nations will be issued lapel stickers with extra-sticky glue...
...As you probably have heard, we had a little security screwup over the past decade or so...
...2. It will no longer be permissible to download the results of nuclear tests for use in your home Nintendo games...
...The code is 1,2,3,4...
...the front doors will be locked...
...2. After all employees have left our buildings (that is, at roughly 3:30 p.m...
...But we have instituted some new security measures to ensure that not much Top Secret stuff leaks out of our facilities in the future...
...Please peruse...
...3. The free trip to Beijing as part of Plutonium Appreciation Week has been canceled...
...Please do not share this information with members of the People’s Liberation Army...
...To gain access, in case you want to take your hard drive home for repairs, you will need to know the entry code for the new security boxes...
...Information Contaol 1. Details of recent improvements to the nuclear legacy codes will no longer be distributed with the weekly cafeteria lunch menus...
...Facility Access 1. From now on all foreign agents will have to sign in at the front desk before entering classified Dept...
...It’s really no biggie (you know how those FBI guys take this stuff way too seriously...
...3. From now on, all Top Secret documents will be stamped “Not Top Secret” to throw off foreign agents...
...Counter-Intelligence 1. Employees caught divulging confidential information to a hostile foreign government will incur severe penalties, up to and in some cases including loss of Top Secret security clearance...
...2. Please report it if any of your colleagues displays any of the following early warning signs of espionage activity: (a) sets up a table in front of your building and is selling classified documents to passing motorists, (b) uses his shoe as a telephone, or (c) stands up on his desk mid-afternoon waving a little red book in the air while shouting “Death to Capitalist Pigs” in a frenzied manner...
...of Energy facilities, and they will have to wear “Visitor” lapel stickers AT ALL TIMES...
Vol. 4 • May 1999 • No. 33
