ELIZABETH DOLE'S SUCCESS RAP

...Francis, a grown man in a Daffy Duck tie, won by doing a jig best described as the Epileptic...

...He shared his “Five Levels of Success,” then showed video of himself bungee jumping, which was important in helping him move “out of my comfort zone...

...In the concourse, Zig Ziglar, the dean of motivational speakers, was signing autographs for fans...

...When she turns serious, things actually get more amusing...

...After commanding us to “cut loose,” “dust off your rude things,” and get the “pent-up party” out of our systems, she conducted an arena-wide dance contest where portly middle managers engaged in the Monkey, the Twist, and the Swim in hopes of winning a Disney World vacation...

...Luckily for her, the question was rhetorical...

...She is a woman of conviction, invoking the courage of the Founding Fathers, who were willing to endure poverty and even death for their principles...

...At a campaign stop in Arizona, her aides bullied and body-blocked reporters to keep them from creating an embarrassing situation—like asking the candidate what she thinks...

...At last week’s Lowe seminar in Washington, D.C.’s MCI Center, she was joined by the usual cavalcade of pep-talkers...

...Help the kids, stop the drugs, all the bulls...

...Orangehaired and goggle-eyed, Lowe has suspect taste in suits, a bottomless quiver of clich?s, and a willowy voice spiked with bionic peppiness that makes him sound like Doug Henning on a St...

...At a success seminar, attendees “itemize goals,” “implement new strategies,” and pay small fortunes for easy-to-use formulas that will help them lose weight, attain financial security, and make hungry love to their dimpled wives...

...She is against—and she hasn’t even poll-tested this one—illiteracy...

...Beyond that, Elizabeth Dole—“E.D...

...Her mission: to warm us up for Dole...

...She is troubled that not enough good people are entering government service...

...She is woman (“Woman of the Year,” said Glamour...

...She is against “molesters, stalkers, and abusers...

...And Dole can recite every plaudit she’s ever earned, from her third-grade Bird Club presidency to the silver loving cup she won in a fire-prevention essay contest...

...On the other hand, Dole prefers “consensus over confrontation...

...which came out sounding as if she’d just spilled her tea at a Daughters of the Confederacy reception...

...She is for “parents, principals, and pastors...

...She is for teaching children math...

...Still, change is gonna come, because, and here’s a novel idea, “in today’s fast-paced world, the only constant is change...

...During her Red Cross resignation announcement, a piece of tape on the floor marked where Dole would stand to take a “spontaneous” question before her exit...

...You want to get around other people who are happy and positive and optimistic...

...She is fascinating (one of the “10 Most Fascinating” according to Barbara Walters...

...When Wolf Blitzer asked where she stood on abortion, an issue she’s “wrestled” with for two decades, Dole said, “At this point, I really don’t want to get into political issues...

...She emerged to the theme from Star Wars, while two stage-side cannons belched red, white, and blue ticker tape explosions, making us wonder if we hadn’t tripped into a Paul Revere and the Raiders reunion concert...

...She had no discernible punchline, other than her own delighted “Oh my...

...She is inspiring (the “Most Inspiring Political Figure of 1996” according to MSNBC...

...The middle-income masses, on leave from their dreary cubicles, pack arenas to hear the imparted wisdom of Lowe’s celebrity lineup...

...When Dole finished to an obligatory standing ovation, one expected to find enthusiasts galore in the concourse...

...Elizabeth Dole is not a Pollyanna, though...

...Apparently, she is a woman (she spends two pages of a seven page speech on womanhood), who is enthused about how far women have come (they can now get into the Metropolitan Club), though they have not come far enough...

...This was, after all, a Peter Lowe’s Success seminar, a place where skepticism is usually suspended (consider what attendees spend buying products from a guy named “Zig...

...Since she resigned as Red Cross director in January to run for president, Dole has gone on a national evasion tour...

...John Walsh, host of America’s Most Wanted, explained his path to success (his son was murdered, he got a television show...

...We were all moved out of our comfort zones as Peter’s wife, Tamara, took the stage in her snug pantsuit and headset microphone...

...That’s what winners do, they know how to take a risk,” he said...

...As he gave explicit descriptions of how an opponent once crunched his metacarpal bone, we choked down turkey cold cuts...

...Which is not to say that reporters cannot safely infer what she’s about...

...And it works...

...John’s wort bender...

...Elizabeth Dole has been a staple at these events for years (though she won’t disclose her fee, it has been reported at $20,000 per speech...

...But still, there are some things worth fighting for...

...Satisfied that we had “rocked the house,” Tamara introduced Elizabeth Dole...

...And those really thirsting for insight paid an extra $100 or so to have lunch with retired quarterback Joe Montana...

...You think Elizabeth Dole has had to step up out of her comfort zone and take a risk...

...Justin, a computer sales rep, falls into flat-out mockery: “I’m for education and feeding our kids and making our streets safe,” he mimics in Dole’s Piedmont drawl...

...Dole might want to take a cue from her friend Peter Lowe...

...In an Iowa speech two weeks ago, she established that her “passion doesn’t come from polling,” although the passion doesn’t show, and nothing she says is controversial enough to warrant polling...

...Based in Tampa, Peter Lowe is one of the nation’s foremost motivational speakers...

...No, I’m against that...

...She is for courage and discipline...

...Though reporters continuously moon over Dole’s ability to leave the rostrum and walk into the crowd without notes (here, she tried to move around, but diving off the five-foot stage would’ve been hell on her pumps), she has a well-earned reputation for being over-rehearsed...

...She is against illegitimacy and incivility...

...She led with a “joke,” a blow-by-blow account of a three-year-old Tonight Show segment in which she appeared on a motorcycle with Jay Leno...

...She has always been something of an achievement fetishist...

...As one woman enthused about his book Steps to the Top, he told her, “The most important advice I’ll give you today” is to pick up his new title Over the Top, a theme aptly illustrated by his cufflinks: two diamond-caked, northward-pointing arrows...

...This may explain why Dole left her husband at home...

...Instead, Dave, a home improvement salesman says “I’m kind of disappointed...

...Even her fans seem dispassionate, like Ken Wagner, who says, “I thought she was doing very well, until unconsciousness overtook me...

...Dole went on record that she is for responsibility and altruism...

...She is against violence and drugs...

...Lowe himself gave us the soft sell, saying that buying his tapes was like “eating food...

...But there’s one issue Dole is willing to talk about: her success...

...Dole’s campaign aides, well aware that she needs to overcome her Stepford- wife image if she’s to overtake Bush, call her opening vignette “impromptu campaign humor” (never mind that she’s been telling the same story for years...

...Until a paragraph or so later, when she is troubled that the government is “too big, too bloated, too complex...

...As a 22-year-old calculator salesman in 1981, Lowe decided instead to sell positive thinking and the prosperity gospel pioneered by Norman Vincent Peale and Napoleon Hill...

...When Katie Couric solicited her opinion on impeachment, Dole demurred until “an appropriate time...

...to her husband— is mystery wrapped in enigma...

...Indeed, since she announced the formation of her exploratory committee two weeks ago, Dole has talked about little else, making appearances at three Peter Lowe’s Success seminars...

...For an arena full of pie-eyed self-helpsters, it sure was a tough crowd...

...But what Lowe lacks in palatability, he compensates for with healthy five-figure checks dispensed to an impressive roster of speakers—the likes of Colin Powell, Bill Cosby, and Muhammad Ali...

...Matt Labash is a staff writer at THEWEEKLY STANDARD...

...Suited up in her customary rig (red dress, understated pearls, windup key in her back), Dole earned praise from the Mary Kay consultant sitting next to me: “She’s kind of an autumn,” said Rina, “so red’s a good power color...

...Crystal Cathedral minister Robert Schuller shared his “Ten Commandments for Successful Living,” while motivational speaker Brian Tracy explained that to be successful, “you can’t be with people who talk failure...

...Her campaign Web site, which does poll visitors, asks them to rank in order of importance such hot-poker issues as “stopping drug abuse” and “promoting integrity in government...

...And even in front of a crowd that could be characterized as glee club in golf knits, Dole proved once again that she is about as natural as her hair color...

...It’s generic...

...Her Who’s Who listing is twice as long as her husband’s...