EVERYONE'S A WINNER
O'ROURKE, P. J.
EVERYONE'S A WINNER by P.J. O'Rourke ON JANUARY 8, 1999, the United States Senate, in all its dignity, solemnly swore ... And talk about great TV! Especially when Trent Lott got tongue-bungled and...
...But when has the federal government spent millions in such an entertaining fashion...
...The dirty, selfish pest will be removed from office...
...Newt Gingrich gets to spend more time with his family...
...They are good-government types, unwilling to receive the smallest perquisite at public expense...
...What if he isn't even censured but, at the end of the Senate trial, is declared innocent by acclamation, receives standing ovations in both houses of Congress, is awarded a Freedom Medal, serves out his term with 100 percent job approval, and then goes on to a position of even greater prestige and power such as guest-hosting Larry King Live...
...Adidas stripes on the sleeves, big old zipper down the front—it looks like a novelty beach wrap for vacationing gospel choirs...
...As Christopher Marlowe's Dr...
...Paula Jones got a nose job...
...O'Rourke is a contributing editor to THE WEEKLY STANDARD...
...Watched prime time TV...
...WATCHED PRIMETIME TV...
...Listened to popular music...
...high school students trapped in the dreary confines of American history class...
...Ken Starr's lecture fees have soared on the skinny sideburn and big belt buckle gun nut and conspiracy buff circuit...
...Sharon Stone, are you now, or have you ever been, showing your boobs for purposes without redeeming social importance...
...Some critics of impeachment claim that the office of president will be diminished to a mere custodial role...
...If the president is only censured, we are spared a busy, silly lickspittle puffed with all the bad ideas available at Harvard...
...Practically everyone involved in the impeachment has come up a winner...
...But please don't stop the fun...
...Either that or they can spell...
...Anyway, the United States Senate, in all its dignity...
...Feminism has been revitalized as Mack Daddy Clinton forced the tired jades of Ms...
...Nevertheless, on January 8, the United States Senate...
...But then NASA decided to bring him back...
...Furthermore, think of the blessing to millions of future U.S...
...True, there was the shuttle launch when NASA shot an aging politician into space...
...Recent poll numbers indicate that the public has no such knowledge...
...And what's with Rehnquist's robe...
...Plus there are the other benefits we've derived from this imbroglio...
...Thurmond's Viagra...
...tions...
...Call witnesses, call an endless list of witnesses...
...Let's have another year of great expectations...
...Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden received the air strikes from infidels that they needed to make their own pollsters happy...
...Call me...
...Call Dr...
...Or, to put it in terms that a man from Hope will understand: No matter what, Bill, your girlfriend's ugly, your wife hates you, and your dog can't hunt...
...Kennedy to skip lunch...
...Lucianne Goldberg obtained copious PR, and her skills as a literary agent have already attracted many important authors who saw Vince Foster beamed up by a UFO...
...Why should we rush to discover what the conclusion of impeachment will be when every possible outcome is so grand...
...Observed the masses waddling into airports, business offices, and churches dressed in drooping sweats or fuchsia warm-up suits or mainsail-sized Bermuda shorts, each with a mobile phone in one ear and a Walkman in the other and sucking Diet Pepsi through a straw...
...If the Democrats are scorned for pitiful cynicism in rallying to a man who treats their principles of liberalism like he treats his bonds of matrimony, even better...
...The New Democrats have discovered their core constituency: Larry Flynt...
...A. Bank casual khakis...
...Byrd's history of the Senate to Michiko Kakutani for a snide review in the New York Times...
...Monica Lewinsky got a Vanity Fair makeover...
...LISTENED TO POPULAR MUSIC...
...They could use a time-out...
...It's said that the impeachment is spreading hypocrisy through the nation...
...Senators, don't...
...Faustus lamented: Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed In one self place...
...got free souvenir "Oath Book" ball-point pens with "United States" misprinted as "Untied States...
...Mmmmm...
...In 1992, in Little Rock, Arkansas, I saw Gov...
...And a number of sycophants and dupes on the White House staff won a chance to prove their fealty with legal bills at least that large...
...Force Sen...
...Vernon Jordan also secured free advertising, and everything that slithers on its belly in Washington is on the way to his law office...
...Give Sen...
...Wild GOP sex lives have been revealed...
...The Clinton impeachment is a thing of manifold splendor, and what's most bright and shining is that it has no downside...
...Senators Bunning and Mikulski tried to return theirs...
...Linda Tripp got a reason to stick to that diet...
...If the Republicans are spanked in the voting booth for prosecuting Bill, they'll be getting the hairbrush for the wrong offense...
...Seen the hoi-polloi super-sizing it at drive-thru windows in their carport-safari SUVs...
...What if this sleaze Houdini once again manages to fall into excrement and come up smelling like . . . smelling like the Rose Law Firm, probably . . . but unscathed and reckless as ever...
...And the Washington press corps has been given a permanent form of amusement called torturing Sidney Blumenthal...
...What a feckless, timid, time-serving revolution that was in 1994, as if the sans-culottes had stormed the Bastille just to get themselves jobs as prison guards...
...And some earnest souls have gone so far as to aver that impeachment has distracted President Clinton from . . . from raising taxes, destroying health care, appointing 1960s bakeheads to high political office, soliciting felonious campaign contributions, hanging friends out to dry for Arkansas real estate frauds, giving missile secrets to the Chinese, taking credit for the benefits of a free market about which he knows little and cares less, using U.S...
...However, as I was saying, on January 8, the United States Senate solemnly swore to render an impartial verdict in the impeachment trial of President Clinton, and now I fear they actually might do it...
...They decry the expense of the special prosecutor's investigaHAVE YOU CHECKED THE AMERICAN PEOPLE LATELY...
...If we don't count Sen...
...Mix drain cleaner into the coatroom jar of toupee glue if that's what it takes to bring tempers to a boil...
...This is a blind item planted by Jerry Springer because Ted Koppel has been swiping the more depraved guests...
...Especially when Trent Lott got tongue-bungled and said that the chief justice "will now administer the oaf...
...It's said that the press has been discredited...
...I can hardly wait for the congressional hearings...
...Other naysayers argue that America's most talented politicians will be scared away from careers in public service...
...Call Mick Jagger, he's slept with everybody...
...Would this were so...
...Barbara Boxer who was wearing a brown pants suit perfect for Breakfast Bingo at Wal-Mart...
...What if he skates...
...military forces as fig leaves for domestic scandals and au pairs for the U.N., leading foreign policy back into the flea circus of Jimmy Carterism, having phone sex, groping patronage seekers, and snapping the elastic on the underpants of psychologically disturbed school-age White House interns entrusted with the task of delivering high-level government pizza...
...Maybe two...
...Those who go toad-eating at the table of Gallup deserve heartburn...
...And if it's the American people who are ultimately punished—well, have you checked the American people lately...
...Sid will be returning to the journalism camp soon, and doubtless he'll get lots of laughs from the hot-foots, short-sheets, frogs in the oatmeal, and "kick me" signs pinned to the seat of his Jos...
...The true agenda of the Movement Left has been revealed, albeit thirty years late: They want to get entree to the nation's highest political office—and play with themselves in it...
...Alas, there are those who think differently...
...BEEN TO THE MALL...
...Been to the mall...
...Laura Schlessinger...
...Hypocrisy depends upon a clear-cut knowledge of the distinction between right and wrong...
...Who cares...
...for where we are is hell, And where hell is there we must ever be...
...But the private sector will no doubt be able to put America's most talented politicians to use— making unsolicited dinnertime telemarketing calls...
...Make the bar at the Palm restaurant a state and elect James Carville to your chamber...
...That self-serious poop Al Gore will not be chief executive...
...Clinton consume a jumbo order of fries in less than a minute, and I will testify under oath to his voracious appetites...
...Please fall into vicious partisan bickering instead...
...Susan McDougal had her jailhouse lipstick privileges restored...
...Gen-nifer Flowers got an I-told-you-so big enough to fill the Mall...
...But what if Bill Clinton is a winner, too...
...magazine to get back out on the media street corner in fishnet stockings and tube tops...
...Finally, a chapter that boogies...
...Hide Sen...
...Certainly not by funding PBS...
...It's said that we're entering an era of sexual McCarthyism...
...The very thought of naked Republicans should go a long way to curing America's obsession with the lewd...
...But they deserve a wallop on general principles—or, rather, lack thereof...
...If 67 senators say so, we are rid of a half-cracked slab of sophomoricism, a moral midden heap, ethical slop jar and backed-up policy toilet, a blabby, overreaching nooky-mooch and masher...
...She knows Bill's type...
...George W. Bush report to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and sign for your mop and broom...
Vol. 4 • February 1999 • No. 19
