PARODY
Parody Presidential Timber January 17TH, 1744 Q: Who cut down the cherry tree? George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. To the best of my recollection—I Want to be as accurate as I can here—my...
...While my answers were botanically accurate, I did not volunteer information...
...That is false...
...Indeed, I was party to an association with this organism that was not conducive to growth...
...GW: I am not a tree-feller...
...That statement is not accurate...
...The cherry tree in question...
...But I am not a tree-feller...
...If you look closely and not listen to rumors peddled by the Tory broadsheets, you will see, I believe you will see that the tree is still standing...
...I want to know what they want to know from me...
...JANUARY 20TH, 1744 Q: Is it true, as has been reported, that you performed what may be called a “hatchet job” on the cherry tree...
...GW: I’m going to do my best to cooperate with the investigation...
...GW: It is not...
...I did not initiate destructive behavior with that vegetable, not a single time—never...
...Thank you, and may almighty God—the God of your choice—bless you all...
...It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and manual control, as my grip on the handle must have slipped on the occasion—a failure (I cannot cannot cannot tell a lie) that I regret deeply...
...AUGUST 17TH, 1744 GW: As you know, in an interrogation in January, I was asked questions about my connection to a particular fruit-bearing organism...
...I think it’s more important for me to tell the people of Virginia that there weren’t improper actions, and I think that’s all I should say right now, so I can get back to the work of the colony...
...GW: Let me say, first of all, I want to reiterate what I said yesterday...
...We are working very hard to comply and get all the requests for information up here, and we will give you as many answers as we can, as soon as we can, at the appropriate time, consistent with our obligation to also cooperate with the investigations...
...It’s nobody’s business but ours...
...Did you have any kind of relationship to the tree that could have been misconstrued...
...I want you to listen to me...
...Now, this matter is a private matter between me, my hatchet, and the greater Virginia Sawyers’ Guild...
...Q: Just to be perfectly clear, you did not cut down the tree...
...I’m going to say this again...
...Let’s get to the big issues, about the nature of the arboricision and whether I suggested anybody not tell the truth...
...JANUARY 26TH, 1744 GW: I want to say one thing to the Virginian people...
...I may have, I may have from time to time picked cherries off the tree and maybe rolled them around in my mouth...
...To the best of my recollection—I Want to be as accurate as I can here—my memory is that as far as i know i Was neber in the same field as the cherry tree...
...The allegations are false and I would never ask myself to do anything other than tell the truth...
...These allegations are false...
...JANUARY 22ND, 1744 Q: Forgive us for raising this while you’re dealing with important issues of puberty, but could you clarify for us, lad, exactly what your connection is with the felled cherry tree, including any chips or kindling you may have left...
...JANUARY 21ST, 1744 Q: Many Virginians have become aware that you are under investigation for the allegation that you cut down the cherry tree...
Vol. 3 • September 1998 • No. 49
