PARODY
Boston Globe columnist Mike Barnicle is suspended for two months for plagiarism and misleading his editors. —News item MIKE BARNICLE Brain Droppings OCTOBER 9, 1998—Over the many years he was...
...With the record I've established, I could always quit this job and be president of the United States...
...But, hey, not too much...
...Tommy," I replied, "let me give you a little bit of advice I used to give John F Kennedy when he would call during the depths of the Mayaguez crisis: Neither a borrower nor a lender be...
...And Buddy looked up at me admiringly and said, "I know you would never prevaricate with us, Mike...
...Get thee to a nunnery...
...I'm reminded of the time I was walking down the street when a little boy named Jimmy came up to me and said, "I have been addicted to crack since I was 8, but reading your columns has enabled me to come clean...
...When she gets there she knows if the stores are all closed, with a word she can get what she came for...
...And it's that saying of mine that comes back to me today, as I return to my column after a two-month hiatus...
...I held up a restraining hand, for we shouldn't be too hard on poor Patricia Smith, simply because she wasn't willing to mau-mau as shamelessly as I did...
...We shall sell no wine before its time...
...I have had to confront the fact that some people for some reason think I am intellectually sloppy, and the editors of the Globe have had time to reflect upon the fact that they are gutless wimps unwilling to stand by their decisions...
...News item MIKE BARNICLE Brain Droppings OCTOBER 9, 1998—Over the many years he was Speaker of the House, Tip O'Neill used to call me frequently to ask for advice...
...Not like that poet broad you used to work with...
...Sometimes I'd have to repeat to him Barnicle's Third Law: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade...
...To thine own self be true...
...Patricia always reminded me of a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold and she's buying a stairway to heaven...
...For the Boston Globe and myself, these have been the times that try men's souls, the best of times and the worst of times, a time to reap and a time to sow, for to everything there is a season...
...For, when you think about it, how can a newspaper be great, if it is not also good...
...Oh, and it makes me wonder...
...All happy newspapers, you see, are alike, but each unhappy newspaper is unhappy in its own way...
Vol. 3 • August 1998 • No. 47
