Parody
The First Totally Honest Stock Market Story FRIDAY'S MARKETS By Vinnie Foster Wynans III Staff Reporter of The Wall Street J°urnal The market rallied early this morning for reasons nobody...
...use when we don't know what we are talking about...
...Tlip Ksrnian...
...All in all, it was a normal day on Wall Street...
...For the bulk of this story, as in most financial services stories, I will quote from a series of famous blowhards, all of whom predicted that this bull market would top out at 7500...
...Now that PE ratios are 67 times higher, my argument is more intellectually coherent than ever...
...In fact if you have read this far into the story, you are nuts too...
...To fill out the rest of my space so 1 can go home I will now throw in a few company results, which you could read on the most active table if you were really interested...
...Motorola was down 2. Hi Moitl Exxon was up 3 1/8...
...We journalists put these quotations into our stories to prove we are savvy old heads (even if we are 25-year-olds fresh from a wire service), but if you listen to any of the advice from these old goats you are crazy...
...Late news flash: the Clinton administration has signed a new incentives package with the American people that allows the president to sexually assault a stewardess every time the Dow crosses another 1000 barrier...
...Elaine Garzarelli has to be mentioned in every market story so this is the paragraph in which I am doing that...
...Dell was down 1/8...
...Professional traders will know all about yesterday's markets from their computer terminals, and they shouldn't need a $37,000 a year journalist to spin it oirt for them...
...Past performance is no guarantee of future results," said Ms...
...Garzarelli sagely...
...The Dow turned down in late morning due to profit-taking—wlndi is a meaningless phrase we financial journalists...
...I thought the market was overvalued at 8000," says Chris Clough of Travelers-Citicorp-Disney-American-Express-Baskin-Robbins-Lynch & Jenrette...
...CNBC analysts confidently asserted it had something to do with the Senegalese money supply, but others pointed to revised monthly figiires showing a poor tuna haul off the PermdEin coast...
...They've been misted by the experience of the past 17 years...
...This wave of selling was miraculously met by a wave of buying since in each transaction there is one buyer and one seller...
...Some of the young bucks think that markets only go up, and not down, opines Seymour Kaufman of Dean-Wrtter--Marcus-Garvey...
...before a late wave of selling sent stocks lower...
...The First Totally Honest Stock Market Story FRIDAY'S MARKETS By Vinnie Foster Wynans III Staff Reporter of The Wall Street J°urnal The market rallied early this morning for reasons nobody understands and nobody predicted...
...Germany is invading Belgium...
...Normal investors shouldn't read day-to-day market reports because it will only cause them to churn their accounts...
...I see Engku^ I see France, I see someone's underpants...
...Bloomberg was off by 2 1/2...
...If anybody would like a slightly used Exercycle, please call (212) 555-2000...
...Advances led declines by 4 to 1, the bond market was incomprehensibly boring, the Mets beat the Phillies 6 to 2. and Kate Winslet's measurements remained 35-29-38...
...Microsoft was up 1/4...
...Sure I've missed the last 6,000 points of the rally," says Sherman McCoy of First Swiss-Credit Boston, who shifted his assets into gold last spring, "but when the correction comes, my position is going to be looking pretty good...
...Around noontime, the tech stocks rallied (perhaps a result of profit:-giving...
...Ford was up 1/2...
Vol. 3 • April 1998 • No. 31
