I apologize
O'ROURKE, P.J.
I Apologize by P.J. O'Rourke I'd just like to apologize to everybody for everything. There, I feel better already. I never realized how fabulous apologies were until I saw David Brock atone on...
...And, while the men who actually sold slaves and killed Indians burn in hell, I can enjoy jazz and soul food and buy a summer place on the vineyard without being attacked by Narragansetts...
...Who wants an apology from someone like that...
...Those must have really hurt, because I'm a truth-telling sort of fellow...
...Finking on the president's sex life...
...I never realized how fabulous apologies were until I saw David Brock atone on every Tv talk show, watched President Clinton mea culpa his way around Africa, read Newt Gingrich's new humble pie of a book, and listened to the pope say "oops" about the Holocaust...
...As if...
...I can also apologize for general things that cannot be blamed on a specific individual—such as me—but that a specific individual—such as me—can get credit April 20, 1998 The Weekly Standard / for regretting...
...I apologize for certain harsher aspects of Hammurabi's Code and El Nino...
...I'm very excited about becoming a better person...
...The fact that I'm apologizing proves it...
...Nobody would read St...
...But what I didn't know about apologies is how the public hungers for them, how they bring joy into the lives of others...
...Now I just say I wish I hadn't done those things, and a delighted public hangs on my every word...
...Augustine's Confessions if the saint had spent his youth attending meetings of the Carthage High School Good Government Club...
...I apologize for poverty, crime, social injustice, damage to the Amazon rainforest, and inhumane treatment of farm animals...
...But that's bragging...
...I have something to apologize for—not like that Bill Clinton in Africa repenting slavery...
...Note how everything David Brock has to say is now believable...
...When Bill wants to make amends he should say he's sorry for 300 years of chicken thieving, blind-eye moonshine, and cars up on blocks in the front yards...
...I'll do the apologizing around here...
...He's a lame duck, he's married to Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, and the only friend he's got left is David Brock...
...O'Rourke is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard...
...Going off your diet won't work...
...Yes, sin—glamorous, macho sin—I've decided that's the secret of the perfect apology and becoming a better person...
...But a good apology needs a personal touch...
...Not for nothing does the common wisdom hold that "It takes a big man to apologize...
...I aim the rifle of Philippic, load with bullets of calumny, and pull a trigger of pure bile...
...Although I don't know where David Brock comes off thinking he's so vicious and hurtful...
...I can't believe how self-centered I was...
...My family had property...
...I am bloodied to the eyes with the gore of partisan journalism...
...And I'm not rubbing it in...
...I was being silly...
...There are all sorts of terrible deeds that were done ages ago to people who've been dead for years...
...Excuse me...
...My fault if I ever doubted the wisdom or intelligence of any of you guys...
...I'm going to buy the world some earrings...
...Then Brock cuddles up to Hillary like she's Piglet in Winnie the Pooh...
...Talk to the pope—sin's the ticket...
...I can tell everyone...
...And let me take this opportunity to apologize to Native Americans, again, for stealing their land...
...And if I don't I'll be really ashamed of myself...
...Move the fielders inside the baselines...
...And, in the future, if I hurt others' feelings or warm up the globe some more, I don't even have to keep quiet about it...
...Reputations lie slaughtered all around me...
...I'm becoming a better person, like David, Bill, Newt, and John Paul II...
...And forget it, Newt...
...Which reminds me, I apologize for assault weapons...
...The great apologist has to have lived large and wild...
...Teasing Anita Hill...
...The Clintons couldn't afford shoes...
...When I get game in my sights, it's pork chops, it's bacon, it's scrapple...
...There's nobody around to tell me to stuff it...
...I used to do any evil thing I wanted, and I didn't care if it caused hurt feelings or global warming, as long as I got attention...
...Easy out...
...A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway...
...I'm so glad I discovered apologies...
...But who cares...
...At first, I was worried that becoming a better person through apologizing would mean inventing new evil things to do and my wife wouldn't let me...
...Don't go getting above yourself, Bill...
...Bill Clinton does have one thing going for him, and saying "pardon me for the way it's behaving" should keep him busy for the rest of his life...
...We didn't happen to own slaves because we were in Illinois, but that was an oversight...
...I can apologize for those...
...I apologize for racism, sexism, and religious bigotry plus discrimination based on age, physical ability, and whether you're wearing little, lacy items under your three-piece suit...
...We were people of substance in the antebellum days...
...some people claim apologies are empty...
...So I apologize for being a right-wing journalist...
...I apologize...
...I promise to lose at blackjack in one of your new casinos...
...I mean, I knew they worked around the house—when accompanied by gifts of jewelry...
...I apologize for the vicious, hurtful things I've written, especially the true things...
...Not only do I get a lot of attention, but it's cheaper than paying damages or replacing the earth's oxygen supply...
...And I make some pretty damn excellent apologies myself...
...There's a slow-moving target for a mudball...
...Sorry...
...If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first...
Vol. 3 • April 1998 • No. 31
