Parody
President Apologizes to Africans for Sins of the Past —News item COVER STORY Clinton Apologizes Again By Susan Page USA TODAY NAIROBI — Bill Clinton stunned his African hosts today when he...
...May I now remove my paw from your genitals...
...And this jaw fragment right here is mighty attractive...
...I humbly apologize to you on behalf of all the American people...
...It was a long hug...
...The lion gazed up at him as if to say, “Thank you for the apology, Mr...
...A very long hug...
...presidents, especially Theodore Roosevelt...
...The president was distracted before he could finish his thought...
...Mr...
...The drama of the scene left many of Mr...
...Tragically, many hominids were persecuted simply on the grounds that their brow didn’t protrude far enough,” the president declared...
...Clinton’s admirers swooning...
...The event easily eclipsed what had been to that point the most exciting event of the day, Mr...
...I happen to know of many early humans and hominids who were real lookers and had nothing to be ashamed of in either the big brow or the big hair department...
...There was that mummy they dug up in the Andes—fantastic-looking woman...
...President Apologizes to Africans for Sins of the Past —News item COVER STORY Clinton Apologizes Again By Susan Page USA TODAY NAIROBI — Bill Clinton stunned his African hosts today when he descended from his Range Rover while touring a Kenyan game reserve and apologized to a pride of lions for what he called the anti-lion behavior of previous U.S...
...Those of us who are lucky enough to call ourselves Homo-Sapiens-Americans are descended from the Australopithecines, and we have a duty to apologize for their sins, so long as our apology will go over well with the Democratic base...
...Clinton then hugged the lion...
...It was like David in the lion’s den,” added one veteran network correspondent...
...The president walked slowly and calmly up to a large male lion and addressed him in a measured voice: “King Mufasa, we Americans have not always respected the circle of life...
...Press spokesman Mike McCurry was on the verge of making a witticism, but White House aides grabbed his mouth and wrestled it to the ground...
...Caught up in the Cold War between man and beast, we took your ancestors and turned them into throw rugs...
...Clinton’s apology to the skull fragment of an early Homo Habilis for the atrocities that had been committed by gangs of marauding Australopithecines...
...A team of reporters from Time Magazine, who have come to Africa to dig up dirt on Kathleen Willey’s prehistoric ancestors, were especially gushing in their admiration...
Vol. 3 • April 1998 • No. 29
