Parody
A Day in the Life of John F. Kennedy, as revealed in... ...The Dark Side of Camelot, by Seymour Hersh ...The Suck-up Side of Camelot, by Arthur Schlesinger Jr. 8:00 a.m. ...It can now be...
...to describe his "cycles of history" theory...
...The President's thoughts were never far from the suffering of those in the developing world...
...3:00 ...Kennedy, in a murderous mood, sketched out assassination plans for Diem and his brother...
...10:00 ...After they were finished, Kennedy rose from bed and asked Marilyn how much it would cost in money or barbiturates to buy her silence about their affair...
...1:00 ...Kennedy's thoughts were never far from Cuba...
...Little-noticed documents reveal that he spent an hour thinking up ways to assassinate Cuban dictator Fidel Castro...
...There was nothing the President enjoyed more than carefully crafting the phrases he would use in his speeches...
...The President sensed that here was a young fellow who could carry on where he would leave off...
...Khrushchev's call couldn't have come at a worse time...
...Kennedy headed for the pool with two physical therapists helping him recover from wounds heroically suffered while defending freedom in World War II...
...He knew he had to terrorize Palm Beach socialite Durie Malcolm to prevent her from revealing their secret marriage decades before...
...12:00 pm...
...The President sensed that here was a young fellow who could carry on where he would leave off...
...After they were finished with their exegesis of the plays of Sheridan, the President asked Arthur Miller how much it would take in money or barbiturates to keep that wonderful poet Robert Frost alive...
...He was keen to solicit their views on Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire...
...In the course of the ceremony, Kennedy was introduced to a young man named Bill Clinton...
...9:00 ...Kennedy was screaming into the phone, sources now reveal...
...These were fleeting episodes for Kennedy, but they made a lasting impression on the women involved...
...2:00 ...He made a quick detour to have sex with the First Lady's press secretary...
...A quick lecture for Kennedy, this made a lasting impression on Pierre...
...5:00 ...In the course of the ceremony, Kennedy was introduced to a young man named Bill Clinton...
...The President tarried a moment with press secretary Pierre Salinger to analyze the danger surface-to-air missile technology poses to civilian airliners...
...The President took it upon himself to speak forcefully with prominent Southerners, hoping to undo decades of bigotry and prejudice that had plagued the region...
...On this particular morning, the First Lady's footsteps could be heard...
...I would never dream of using a ghost," he mused...
...4:00 ...The phone call from Khrushchev couldn't have come at a worse time...
...He had just managed to squeeze the Andover field hockey team into a single king-sized bed...
...The President lunched with leaders from the Italian-American community...
...His morning exercise regimen was arduous...
...Kennedy thanked him for stealing the 1960 election...
...At last he had persuaded celebrated intellectual Arthur Schlesinger Jr...
...It can now be revealed that Kennedy spent each morning skinny-dipping in the White House pool, as two young aides, Fiddle and Faddle, frolicked naked around him...
...Kennedy's lunch with Mob boss Sam Giancana was a lusty, raucous affair...
...For an hour, he pondered ways to improve the curveball of Cuban pitcher Luis Tiant...
Vol. 3 • November 1997 • No. 11
