Life Among the Carlsons
Life Among the Carlsons The first law of journalism is that the reporter is the one who gets to ask the questions. It may not be a fair arrangement (though I like it), but it is customary. So it...
...No problem, I said, and began dictating: "Tucker Carlson, a staff writer at The Weekly Standard, has been awarded the Victoria Cross for gallantry...
...There was no avoiding it now...
...then abruptly stopped...
...You know, your father, the governor of Minnesota...
...He is...
...Embarrassing, definitely...
...he yelled at me, as I remember...
...She got to the end of the sentence, paused ("Two 'l's in 'gallantry...
...I explained this all to the man on the phone...
...I really admire the work your father is doing," she said...
...He did a great segment on school choice...
...So it was a little disconcerting when I got a phone call the other day from the subject of an unflattering article I was writing...
...I need something else to say...
...Carlson's cosmetic surgery, her Prozac regimen, and her ex-husband's performance in bed...
...Before I could ask, another woman approached to explain the night's speaking format...
...Did you ever marry Emery...
...Several years ago, People reported, "Barbara had her station's call letters tattooed across her buttocks...
...Being the son of Arne Carlson would, among other things, make me the son of the governor's former wife, Barbara Carlson, a radio personality and sometime mayoral candidate in Minneapolis...
...Yep, said the man...
...The other woman just looked panicked...
...Plus, I said, I'm a writer in Washington...
...Tucker Carlson...
...She looked crestfallen...
...she asked...
...Suddenly she looked very irritated...
...Your father is Arne Carlson, governor of Minnesota...
...A blank expression must have come over my face, because she then tried to jog my memory...
...Thank you, I said, wondering how my grandmother, who lived in Hawaii for most of her life, had found time to strike up friendships with New York Republicans...
...She was a lovely person...
...All of this, too, is on Nexis, though I was blissfully unaware of it when I arrived in New York last month to give a speech to an organization of Republican women...
...I laughed...
...As I explained my lack of connection to Arne Carlson, the woman who had said she knew my grandmother glared at me, as if I'd somehow lied about my heritage...
...It was becoming clear there had been some terrible misunderstanding, but I decided to ignore it...
...Carlson hosts a call-in show so lowbrow People magazine described it as "brassy"—in other words, horrifying...
...Other topics have included Mrs...
...Well, that was so romantic," she said, "how you dedicated all of that to her...
...If I say it enough, it will probably end up in Nexis...
...We just had your dad on the show the other day," she said...
...I was almost at the dais when the woman threw out one last compliment...
...No, I didn't, I said, totally confused, but trying to be polite...
...How did you get to be so right wing...
...I was interested to note that your father is quite progressive on social issues...
...I knew your grandmother," she said...
...Tucker Carlson was born into politics," it began...
...In fact, I've never even met Arne Carlson (though I did interview him by phone once...
...I just wanted to know how it turned out...
...I smiled, unsure of what to say...
...The group's president met me at the door...
...The woman scribbled furiously...
...Under the circumstances maybe it wasn't funny, but I'm going use that line again...
...As far as I know, Arne Carlson's son is a theater producer in Minnesota...
...She tried to comfort me...
...I'd first learned of the other Tucker Carlson's existence a few years ago when a television producer I had never met introduced herself to me with the enthusiasm of an old friend...
...Give me a couple of sentences, and I'll write them down verbatim...
...We've decided to turn the tables and do a little research on you," the man said...
...My protests were ignored...
...But I've written a long introduction for you," she said, waving a sheet of paper in my face...
...I love oral sex," the 59-year-old grandmother once announced on the air...
...I said...
...Extraordinary, maybe...
...With all your experience as a disc jockey, I know you'll do great tonight...
...And he's pretty liberal...
...It was obvious what had happened...
...It is extraordinary," he wrote, "that the only Tucker Carlsons of note are the same age and attended school in Rhode Island at the same time...
...The next day, the man sent me a handdelivered letter scoffing at my unlikely story...
...Carlson's oldest son, whose nickname is Tucker...
...I had forgotten to fax her a bio, but she seemed to know a lot about me...
...The man had punched my name into Lexis-Nex-is, the electronic database of news stories, and come up with articles about Gov...
Vol. 3 • November 1997 • No. 11
