Parody
PANEL TO SEEK TESTIMONY FROM GAUTAMA BUDDHA SUBPOENA ISSUED TO DIVINITY "Enlightened One" Gave Thousands to Democratic National Committee, Senate Probers Say By STEPHEN LABATON WASHINGTON Feb....
...We have new evidence that The Biiddha was a pretty heavy giver, and we're not talking about his weight problem," said Senator Fred D. Thompson (R-Tenn...
...While acknowledging that his staff had been warned about the fund-raising event, Vice President Gore strongly denied knowing that Mr...
...The DNC has since returned the funds and has conceded that an error was made...
...Under U.S...
...17 — Senate investigators today announced plans to question Gautama Buddha, the 6th century, B.C., spiritual teacher and Divine Being, about large contributions made to the Democratic National Committee...
...Attorneys for the Democratic National Committee denied any intentional wrongdoing, even as newly disclosed documents and e-mail messages reveal that at a single fundraiser in April 1996 one "Sidney Arthur Buddha" gave $140,000 to the Democratic Party...
...If not that, then the adhesive name tag he was wearing, which said 'Hello, my name is . . . The Lord Buddha.'" Democratic party workers will now be issued small statues in the Buddha's likeness to help identify him at future gatherings...
...law, tax-exempt religious groups are not permitted to make political donations...
...In retrospect, we should have noticed that the contribution came from an individual bearing the miraculous 32 marks °f the Enlightened One," the aide continued...
...This document, which may explain how campaign contributions from foreign countries were funneled to the Democratic Party, is also alleged to include some useful feng shut tips and several good tofu recipes...
...In addition, as a non-citizen, the Indian-born prophet could not legally donate money to any American political party...
...We just did not realize the scope of the problem," said an aide to the Vice President...
...Eyewitnesses to the payment describe experiencing "a kind of spiritual awakening" as the check was handed over, though they also describe "a kind of spiritual dozing off" when Vice President Al Gore subsequently delivered a speech...
...Furthermore, as a Supreme Being residing beyond the karmic wheel of birth, suffering, and death, the Buddha may have been present in the United States illegally...
...After all, chanting and incense burning are not uncommon at our events...
...chairman of the Senate Governmental Affairs Committee, which has issued a subpoena for the portly prophet, known to some as "Siddhartha...
...The actor Richard Gere also denied...
...Other Eastern religious organizations, including Taoists for Clinton-Gore and Mn-PAC, a Jainist group, have denied any involvement in the widening scandal...
...In addition to trying to determine the source and purpose of the Buddha's donations, Senator Thompson is expected to inquire into an internal DNC memorandum entitled, "The Sutra of the Perfect Gem of the Pure Lotus of the One True Dharma of Campaign Financing...
...Buddha was The Buddha when he shook hands with him...
Vol. 2 • March 1997 • No. 24
