PARODY
NATIONAL AFFAIRS Multiple GoreGasms This was the Big One: Vice President Al Gore entered the White House East Room and nodded to the scores of journalists writing profiles of him. The world...
...By Howard Fineman entered through one door, the award-winning cow entered through another, and in a carefully choreographed maneuver that betrayed meticulous staffwork, they approached each other with the awesome dignity that pervaded the room at the Council of Vienna when Metter-nich first met Castlereagh...
...Live free...
...Tall, stately, regal, here stood an awesome figure, at ease with being a heartbeat away from leadership of the free world, a man who could justify the sort of portentous prose White House correspondents perfected during the Cold War, when the White House truly mattered...
...A flicker of recognition swept across the cow's bovine features, as it recognized the author of Earth in the Balance...
...Gore had come to the East Room to perform one of those duties he has mastered with such grace: a photo op with the winner of the 4-H Club of Eastern Kentucky Heifer of the Year Award...
...Here is a man, the cow seemed to be thinking, who has achieved awesome influence across the entire administration, who has planted his people in key posts, and yet who still remains a friend to animals and ferns...
...He spoke of the awful frustration that cows must feel in captivity...
...The vice president opened his address to the cow and the small group of 4-H members by reminiscing about his days in the 4-H Club (Ritz-Carlton Hotel branch, near Dupont Circle), the wonders of nature, and the importance of establishing a bovine presence on the information superhighway...
...But then, about 45 minutes into his remarks, the vice president made one of those daring proposals that are the hallmark of his career...
...After several passionate minutes, the vice president finally flung open the main doors of the room and exulted, "Go free, cow...
...As the vice president Can reporters find the words to express the depth of their admiration for the Veep...
...The world would soon find out whether it was possible for even one national reporter to write a piece on the vice president without showing the afterglow of multiple Goregasms...
...Awash in tears, the press corps was already preparing the puff pieces that would so dominate the media in the ensuing weeks...
...He suggested that the Department of Agriculture initiate a program to return cows to the wild...
...In the glory of nature as God intended...
Vol. 2 • December 1996 • No. 16
