Parody
David A. Kessler, who extended the regulatory authority of the Food and Drug Administration over products from orange juice to tobacco, will resign early next year. —Washington Post Food and Drug...
...The president was glum -- just another appointment cieremony...
...He emerged...
...These are our most vulnerable citizens, and they^re sleepy...
...But KESSLER is unconventional (see Washpost 8-19-91, et seq...
...In addition, KESSLER wm arrest a warehouse full of Killer Metamucil, begin the federal licensing of Tupperware, and, in response to your Confidential Presidential Directive #45_16, take emergency steps to end the heartbreak of mid-coital prophylactic slippage...
...Washington Post Food and Drug Administration Office of the Emperor Dr...
...Their little tongues are turning orange_ This will end_ By year^s end KESSLER will outfit aspirin bottles and °ther analgesics with a high-tension metallic alloy and combination locks...
...Yes, KESSLER will soon be gone_ beam of light that first shone six years ago in the Rose Garden will light your bridge to the 21st century...
...principled (NYTimes, 8-21-91, et seq...
...To this day witnesses swear a beam of sunlight broke through, slanting into the Garden_ Where once there was darkness, now there was light...
...i* The ease with which the caps to patent medicines may be removed in this country is a disgrace...
...KESSLER has outlined a National Bedtime Strategy to be fully implemented by Jan...
...Maybe so...
...An unconventional to begin a resignation letter...
...President: The year: 1990...
...Then KESSLER was introduced...
...And frankly, not a bad-looking guy...
...At all...
...Always ready to kick some Big Business ass (Rolling Stone, 3-14-92...
...KESSLER knows there is much left undone...
...He wishes to spend more time with family...
...Fearless (see "Sixty Minutes," 912 94...
...Some highlights: * Night after night, from a negligence bordering on the criminal, children as young as five are staying up vren past 7 p_m...
...Combinations will be readily available to those in need by dialing 1-800-KESSLER...
...David A. Kessler, MD, JD, Ph.D, MS, BA, BS My dear Mr...
...With humility, David KESSLER...
...The sky: gun-metal gray...
...With this letter, KESSLER informs of his intention to resign...
...The nation remains in crisis_ Attached please find a 620-page memo itemizing KESSLER's pre-resignation agenda the next eight weeks...
...Tte place: the Rose Garden...
...Children eat baby aspirin by the handful...
...In this "civilized" country, that nightmare must end...
Vol. 2 • December 1996 • No. 13
