The President is Calling
BOOT, MAX
The President Is Calling by Max Boot It was 2 a.m., and the phone call woke me up. It was a female voice: "Please hold for the president of the United States." Then a deep male rumble. "Max, Max,...
...Don't know why I picked him...
...His job might make a nice consolation prize for Hillary, don't you think...
...Well, you know I've admitted to making mistakes over taxes and medical reform, but you know those weren't the first mistakes I've made...
...Dick Morris says the numbers on that are sky high...
...I just had a little free time after . . . well, I can't tell you that...
...Yeah, the Haitian invasion...
...I'm actually a boxer man...
...That's nothing compared to what I told Harry Thomason about the White House travel office before . . . ." The line went dead...
...Such as...
...Hmmm...
...Know what else the Republicans were right about...
...that's quite an admission, Mr...
...Absolutely not, Max...
...Americorps...
...Wow...
...Marrying Hillary...
...Yes, Mr...
...I didn't realize the risks I was running...
...What...
...I'm just sharing a few thoughts with a good friend of mine...
...Anything else you regret...
...I wanted to get a few things off my chest...
...I know it's my only domestic initiative that's been implemented, but why did I bother...
...Pretending I actually like him-man...
...But that was your only foreign policy success, Mr...
...That's what I keep asking myself every time I have to visit a camp of these spoiled kids tooling around doing ridiculous non-work...
...Wow...
...He's a real dweeb, isn't he...
...That was a huge mistake...
...Wish we'd never gone in there...
...Here's another thought: Al Gore...
...He's going, too, soon as I win a second term...
...The public hates her...
...Can I print that, Mr...
...I hate having to pal around with him and that fat wife of his...
...Yeah, but it could have gone wrong, and then where would I be...
...That's horrible...
...Big, big mistake...
...Max, Max, are ya awake...
...Ben did too, Mr...
...Well, remember when I was on that MTV program and told the kids I wore briefs, not boxers...
...The Republicans were right-too much danger, not enough American interest there...
...I lied...
...All those kids will be on the unemployment line on January 21, 1997, if not sooner...
...Boy, have I lived to regret that...
...But rest assured, if I get reelected, the first day of my second term I'll dump Hillary and marry Colin Powell...
...Far from it...
...Max Boot is an assistant features editor on the Wall Street Journal's op-ed page...
...Yeah, but it gets worse...
...I really enjoyed that conversation I had with Ben Wattenberg...
...Oh yeah...
...I wish I'd leveled with the American public...
...There were plenty of other doozies...
...The first mistake I made...
...But let's just say Hillary doesn't know where I am...
Vol. 1 • November 1995 • No. 9
