Parody
Parody The Washington Post Friday, August 16, 1996 A23 'My Fellow Republicans, As-Salaam-Alaikum' Yesterday, August 15, 1996, Lamar Alexander accepted the Republican nomination for president. His...
...Let us probe this mystery...
...When you have an 8, you have two pregnant Koala bears stacked on top of one another...
...His five-hour acceptance speech was heavily influenced by Louis Farrakhan, whose address to last year's Million Man March has changed American political rhetoric forever...
...Constitution that explicitly reserves power to the states and not to the federal government...
...The Number 18' Thousands of you joined me on my march from Nashville, where most of my campaign donors live, to the convention center here in San Diego...
...I am so grateful to Allah for giving me the chance to serve as your nominee for the presidency of the United States, and for helping me to break from the pack on Super Tuesday...
...Now I have pledged to spend my presidency walking to global trade negotiations, and talking to normal folks along the way, while turning the White House into a Motel 6. 'Verily, Come On Along' And this voyage will be no less magnificent than the walk Moses took in the Sinai when he sayeth to the Israelites, Come On Along...
...And when you have a 1 standing next to the 8, it means it is going to be an especially cold winter...
...And little by little it came to pass...
...What is so secret about the number 18...
...And I know you won't mind listening to me for another four hours...
...And I say unto my critics, if I am so bland, why is my message so exhilarating...
...But I would like to address all Americans tonight...
...And so as I look out over this sea of mostly white faces, I say to you, bless you, you beautiful Republicans...
...And was it not Jesus who said to his disciples, "Verily, Come On Along...
...Here are excerpts from Alexander, Hour One: My fellow Republicans, as-salaam-alaikum...
...Whether you like it or not, God brought His message of devolving telecom reform to the states through me...
...And so let me begin the bulk of my remarks by comparing welfare reform to the notes on a piano...
...And we will embrace the governors-in Albany, in Sacramento, in Harris-burg-and we will instruct them about the 8 steps of Federalism, and especially step 5, which involves remitting a percentage of each block grant to the Empowerment Hair Care Company, owned by members of my campaign staff...
...I stand before you in my black and red flannel bow tie, not as a normal politician, beholden to the ways of Washington, but as a messenger from God...
...And many asked, "Why are they called '18 wheelers...
...Petruvius "Willie" Lynch' I am speaking to you tonight from a rostrum, which is a structure derived from ancient Rome-and as you know, the Roman Empire was not ruled from Washington but from Rome, which is just the kind of local control we need now...
...But in 212, a Roman slaveholder named Petruvius "Willie" Lynch, who once blocked hats at his local Masonic Lodge, wrote a pamphlet entitled the "Protocols of the Elders of K Street," in which he plotted to take power from virile, manly Romans and to amass it at the law firm of Patton, Boggs and Blow and among other bloodsuckers inside the Washington Beltway...
...and Lo, they cameth on along...
...And by this route, we will take power away from those in Washington and we will have a day of atonement, though we will make sure they, and not we, do most of the atoning...
...If I am so dull, how is this platform so bright, the response so magnificent...
...And many of you noticed the tractor trailers that would pass us on the highway...
...Cold water freezes at 32 degrees, and if you add 3 and 2 to 18 you get 23 and if you subtract 13 to get rid of bad luck, you get 10, and what is 10 but the number of the amendment to the U.S...
Vol. 1 • October 1995 • No. 7
