Parody
Parody Bill Clinton to regulate tobacco as a drug. —News Item Protect & Serve Washington, DC METROPOLITAN POLICE DEPARTMENT PATROL DIVISION: INCIDENT REPORT #34332 Subject’s Name: John...
...Subject admitted information to be correct and was informed that he was liable to 5 years in prison under “Three Puffs and You’re Extinguished” law...
...Tobacco Magistrate...
...Nicotine breathalyzer confirmed...
...Subject quickly overtaken, panting heavily...
...News Item Protect & Serve Washington, DC METROPOLITAN POLICE DEPARTMENT PATROL DIVISION: INCIDENT REPORT #34332 Subject’s Name: John Brough Date:4/5/2002 Time:1857 Charges: illegal possession and ingestion of tobacco-based nicotine product Location:400 block 3rd Street SE Sex/Race/DOB: M 1 28 61 Contraband Recovered: one (1) pack Marrboro, matches, mints Description: While on patrol, Officer L.L...
...Marrboro” pack placed in evidence room, along with two paper packages of matches, six left in one and the other apparently unused, plus roll of...
...attorney for follow-up...
...But then, in mood swing of the type described in operation manual, said he would cooperate and provide names of other cigarette smokers on Capitol Hill and at least one high White House staff member (copy of this report forwarded to Nic-Narc unit and U.S...
...However, contents tested positive for tobacco with field-test kit...
...As undersigned officer pulled to curb, WM subject began to run south on 3rd Street...
...Also observed white cylindrical object in or about subject’s mouth with what appeared to be smoke issuing therefrom...
...However, reporting officer recovered discarded object -- red-and-white box marked “Marrboro...
...Begged to be let off with stipulation that he enroll immediately in therapy and community service...
...WM identified himself as John Brough, staff member of Senate Agriculture Committee, and produced ID...
...Cuffed and placed in patrol car, subject cursed officer as “fascist swine...
...Zbeyxcyski ordered suspect taken before U.S...
...Officer visually identified this as a cigarette pack of type being smuggled in from China and for which lookout has been issued at roll calls...
...Suspect denied he had been smoking cigarette...
...Believing reasonable cause to suspect WM of cigarette smoking, officer left car in pursuit on foot...
...Informed he was being placed under arrest, Brough then claimed items in the “Marrboro” box were not tobacco but marijuana...
...Subject began to cry, saying wife and two children in Bethesda would be disgraced and he would be ruined...
...Beann observed White Male in late 40s, stout build, wearing suit and tie, walking toward D Street SE...
...As officer approached WM was observed to throw object behind nearby hedge...
...Informed this was up to magistrate, subject became unruly and tried to butt undersigned officer...
Vol. 1 • September 1996 • No. 49
