Parody
Parody ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT OF THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION, AS ELIZABETH DOLE WAS DELIVERING HER SPEECH, A CALL WAS PLACED FROM THE OFFICE OF THE FIRST LADY TO THE HOME OF SUSAN THOMASES IN NEW YORK ....
...He’s writing my speech...
...GANDHI: Tell her about the dress...
...And goodbye podium...
...It’ll be awesome...
...I just can’t...
...This is the nineties...
...It says: Virtue...
...HILLARY: Trust me...
...I’m conferencing them all in now...
...THOMASES: I’m afraid I don’t have that information...
...Anyway, Susan, I want you to call Ira Magaziner...
...He thought it best to hide . . . HILLARY: Shut up, Eleanor...
...GANDHI: Thanks, Hill...
...And then they get up and walk...
...HILLARY: Well, we’re going to leak it that I’ve strained my ankle ligaments...
...The other thing we’ve got to get is some cripples...
...Do you have Ira’s number...
...The Republicans got their hands on thousands...
...HILLARY: Well, we’re going to counter, let me tell you...
...That bolognese sauce looks most delicious...
...THOMASES: I’m trying to remember...
...ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: That’s actually not the way Franklin handled the wheelchair issue at the 1936 convention...
...It’ll be great...
...He makes Dick Morris look like a piker...
...This is brilliant...
...Will that drive them bananas or what...
...Mahatma here lends me one of his white robes and so I go out and give my speech in this simple white shift and a big walking stick...
...And that’s not all...
...THOMASES: I know I had it somewhere, but at this point in time I just can’t recall...
...It turns out Mahatma is great at this image-crafting stuff...
...It speaks to all America...
...I’m going to be out there at our convention, I don’t care what Dick Morris says...
...By the way, are you going to finish your fettucini...
...Liddy Dole is more robotic than I am...
...HILLARY: Anyway, the message is this: The Republicans show you cripples, Hillary heals them...
...GANDHI: And it hides your legs if we cut it long enough...
...Pike with a half twist...
...HILLARY: Right...
...I walk out into the crowd and lay my hands on them...
...I mean, have you ever seen anything like this...
...THOMASES: Sorry, I have no specific recollection of that...
...Wake up and smell the decaf latte...
...HILLARY: Sure, you can have it...
...Can you get some cripples...
...Not too crippled...
...They don’t have to walk far...
...Parody ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT OF THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION, AS ELIZABETH DOLE WAS DELIVERING HER SPEECH, A CALL WAS PLACED FROM THE OFFICE OF THE FIRST LADY TO THE HOME OF SUSAN THOMASES IN NEW YORK . . . HILLARY CLINTON: Can you believe this...
...He’s working really hard and he’s already cut it back down to 47,000 pages...
...We’re sitting around here bouncing around ideas—me, Ickes, Maggie Williams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Mahatma Gandhi...
...I mean, have you ever in your life seen so many cripples on one stage without Jerry Lewis...
...What I need is the flowchart in case I want to reorganize mid-delivery...
...THOMASES: No, I can’t remember anything like this...
...Remember the Olympics...
...That helmet-headed prom queen won’t know what hit her...
...HILLARY: Oh yeah...
...Then I’m going to do a vault onto the podium—Kerri Strug-style...
Vol. 1 • August 1996 • No. 48
