Parody
Robert D. Novak Dole’s Martian Chronicle SAN DIEGO—Republicans are holding their breath, wondering what Bob Dole will say in his acceptance speech Thursday night about the subject that is...
...Mars seems lifeless,” Kemp told us, “but that can only be because a capital-gains rate has really choked off the entrepreneurial spirit there...
...What will Dole do...
...It’s anybody’s guess, but Dole has very little room to misstep, especially since Bill Clinton has already paid a presidential visit to the Martian microbes and said he found them almost as attractive as the Incan mummy he wanted to date...
...In a supersecret meeting with Dole campaign janitor Ernesto Rijos, supply-side guru Jude Wanniski warned, “This could really give Perot his issue for 1996...
...Jack Kemp is proposing a 15 percent flat tax for Mars...
...Elton Gallegly has already introduced legislation to deny Martians welfare or education benefits...
...Members of the “reach-out” camp are proposing that the platform be amended to feature language “tolerating a diversity of views and life forms within the Republican party...
...We need to reach out to Martians,” said one aide close to Dole...
...But if all this happens, large segments of the party are vowing to walk...
...He’s getting conflicting advice about how to handle the ticklish issue from his advisers, friends, and former colleagues in the Senate...
...Pro-immigration forces and free traders agree...
...What is that supposed to mean...
...The Wall Street Journal’s influential editorial page this week endorsed expanding the North American Free Trade Agreement to the planet...
...It’s about some guy in Brazil who hates coffee,” one reporter groused...
...The notoriously hard-to-read presumptive nominee is still working on his speech with novelist Mark Helprin, and political writers are furiously combing the pages of Helprin’s novels to glean clues to the speechwriter’s mind...
...Pat Buchanan is gaining increasing support among delegates for his proposal to build a 93million-mile-high wall to keep Martians out of the upper atmosphere...
...Robert D. Novak Dole’s Martian Chronicle SAN DIEGO—Republicans are holding their breath, wondering what Bob Dole will say in his acceptance speech Thursday night about the subject that is slicing the party in two: life on Mars...
...And there’s one man who is really keeping a close eye on things: H. Ross Perot...
...We believe Mars might be a crucial swing planet...
...Once again, the communicator in the White House has a step up on the taciturn septuagenarian from Kansas...
...One of them was trying to plow through Helprin’s most recent book, “Memoir from Antproof Case...
Vol. 1 • August 1996 • No. 47
