Parody
Parody TO: Henry Hyde, Chairman, GOP Platform Committee FROM: The Dole Campaign RE: Draft Platform Language SUGGESTED TITLE Tolerance Is Our Middle Name: A Republican Vision for the 21st...
...Let us go forward under the sage and terse guidance of Bob Dole...
...As he has said: "Whatever...
...But we're not totally hung up about it...
...Parody TO: Henry Hyde, Chairman, GOP Platform Committee FROM: The Dole Campaign RE: Draft Platform Language SUGGESTED TITLE Tolerance Is Our Middle Name: A Republican Vision for the 21st Century SUGGESTED T EXT We are convinced that the Republican Party offers the right choice for America as it enters the 21st century...
...And while we Republicans oppose the diethylstilbestrol cattlefeed ban imposed by the EPA, we understand that passions run high on this issue, too, and we in the Republican Party feel that there is room for both pro-diethylstilbestrol and anti-diethylstilbestrol forces...
...Really...
...And we'd just like to stress that we're not going to freak out or anything if you disagree...
...Republicans stand for the freedom of the individual and for the idea that the government that governs least governs best, but of course there are some people, who are really nice and decent-lovely people-who believe that the government that governs best governs kind of a lot...
...Let us come together under a big tent with a banner across it that reads: "No Hard Feelings...
...There are some others-on whom we don't mean to cast aspersion or disrespect in any manner-who think that whoever governs for personal gain governs pretty well too...
...It's not like our position on this issue is written in stone or anything...
...What do we know...
...This platform is an equal-opportunity document...
...Such debates are really moral questions, and who are we to say whether or not cattle should have a choice as to their own cattlefeed...
...So in the document that follows we take positions for and/or against most of the major issues of the day...
...We happen to think that cattle should have the right to control their own two stomachs, but we totally respect those who think otherwise...
...If your conscience requires that you vote for some other party, we are tolerant of that...
...Feel free to add your own planks and delete ones not to your liking...
...Or madam...
...Whatever works for you...
...After all, extremism in pursuit of moderation is no vice, although moderation in the pursuit of extremism is not nearly as good, and, come to think of it, one man's-or woman's, or person's-extremism is another fellow's-or chick's- moderation...
...For example, we appreciate that emotions run high about the microwave spectrum subgrafs in the latest telecom reform subclauses, and we'd just like to say while we support the subclauses in question, we totally respect those who disagree with our position...
...Like, you're probably right...
...No gender gap here, no sir...
Vol. 1 • July 1996 • No. 41
