Parody
Parody NEWS ADVISORY FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE MAY 17, 1996 CONTACT: WARFIELD NELSON 202/141-0805 DOLE DOG "LEADER" RESIGNS FROM NAME. WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS "PRESUMPTIVE NOMINEE." The Bob Dole for...
...I've been proud to be the one who's there for Sheila when she needs something to kick...
...It's been a duty to remain loyal but firm, to serve as a model for other dogs, to fulfill the obligations of high office...
...For this summer I will be walked across America, from the squirrel-dotted forests of Maine, through the hydrant-studded pavements of Chicago, and I will sniff out the wise counsel of the people in our fair land...
...I will then stand before you without authority, a Kansan, an American, just a canine...
...For me, that name is more than a label...
...Kitty litter in the Lincoln Bedroom...
...I've come up the hard way...
...The pundits don't like us Republican dogs...
...And together we can end this four-year national nightmare...
...in fact it's been a dog's life...
...But I will be the same dog I was yesterday, and the day before, and even the first day I began housetraining, straddling that long ago column by Frank Rich...
...Whatever...
...It's been a mission...
...Anyway, today I announce that, as of June 6, 1996, I will forgo the privileges that come from the name Leader...
...Sure they went gaga over Fala, but they didn't like Checkers, and Liberty never got the credit he deserved...
...Yuck...
...I trust in the hard way...
...And I will seek to be your First Dog with nothing to fall back on but your good judgment and nowhere to go but the White House . . . or the dog house...
...If you want a friend in this town, get a rubber bone...
...But I do not find that discouraging...
...The Bob Dole for President Campaign released the following statement on behalf of the Dole family dog, Leader: My friends, it's been 12 years since Senator Dole and his wife brought me home from the kennel and named me Leader...
...I will draw strength from their touch, especially if they rub my belly...
...It hasn't been an easy life...
Vol. 1 • May 1996 • No. 36
